Rant #29 - August 31, 2014
This week I wanna bitch about summer eating habits. Events, events and events. Constant events.
Concerts, beaches, bar specials. Don’t get me wrong, this is the typical first world problem. Poor me and all my fun activities. I sound like a little bitch. But this week I didn’t have much more on my mind besides the ole lady. We had a nice little honeymoon-esque few days, so in between resume duties, screenwriting and auditions, I was necking like a 16 year old after a Barenaked Ladies concert. God I hate Barenaked Ladies now. What was I thinking?!
Anyways, it’s nice to know fall’s coming. My favorite season. Less heat, less activity. Time to relax, watch football on Sundays, work all week, and enjoy Halloween shit at night. I don’t have to be anywhere. Isn’t it nice to just not have to be anywhere? Not have to go out and do shit? Not have to spend money? Not have to fuck up Weight Watchers when it’s only day 3 of 7?
It’ll be nice to be able to actually go back to losing weight and not just maintaining. To be able to go from your apartment to your car without sweating. Without panting like you smoke 2 packs a day when all you’re doing is running 30 minutes outside. Because when the heat’s up to 96, running is hard for even the Jim Fixx’s out there.
I can’t wait for fall. Pumpkins and haunted houses and Spookytown and Halloween-themed drinks and scary movies…I can’t wait to get the summer over with and traveling can finally stop. Again, I’m the first to say “shut your yapper, these are good problems!” I know, they are. I am blessed and I can’t thank the man above enough for how pleasant shit is right now. But I had to find something to bitch about. I’m still from Cleveland.
Go Browns! And if you fuck up my fall Sundays, go Lebron! We got them starting up Halloween weekend.
Logline of the Day:
Top mortician is so good that society bigwigs start scheduling their deaths so they fit into his busy calendar.
This week’s featured actor is the ahole who made this crappy movie. He double dutied as me, which he won’t pull off without a prayer to Dale, and some Old Man guy who talks gibberish. I can’t wait to bad mouth the sunnuvabitch.
Logline of the Day:
Self-hypnotist can black out on command to accomplish impossible endurance feats, like swimming across the Pacific.
List 5 Clashes of Context/Wildly Inappropriate Responses to 5 Scenes
1. A paramedic selling gas balloons at a concert out of his ambulance.
2. A veterinarian selling Asian dog treats out of a vendor buggy in NYC.
3. A drunken sea captain asking for directions after a violent storm throws off a cruise ship.
4. A dentist hands out free Skoal samples at the annual ADA meeting.
5. A phlebotomist runs a heroin business near a drug rehab facility.
Rant #28 - August 25, 2014
Fantasy football drafts are well underway as we approach the 4th and final NFL preseason games this week. Finally the real shit that counts starts happening in less than 2 weeks! Can you feel it? Shit yeah you can, if you’re an American in September, nothing else crosses your mind like the epidemic that is professional football.
In the above picture I posted shows my first draft results. I have one more draft on Wednesday to complete my season of fantasy football teams. I’m only doing 2 this year. Last year I had 4. The year before that, a whopping 6. That’s too much tuna!
There is no need to go above 2 fantasy football leagues.
The more leagues, the more confusion.
You don’t know who to start, shit you don’t know who the hell’s playing for your team anymore when you got too much tuna.
You hope one guy gets like 26 fukin .4 yards rushing with 1 TD but hopefully they throw him a couple balls too except that QB looks like shit this week.
Oh boy, I sure hope Tolbert didn’t eat too much last night, I need him to start—- my other jacknuts are out with in-growns.
I love the Browns but I’ll be sittin’ there, rootin’ Johnny YaYo doesn’t score any 6’s cause I’m playin’ against him. I hope the Browns win, but with just runs.
I feel like I’m in Cleveland in November yelling “Don’t win this fukin’ game, we need a better draft pick ya bums!”
And the ultimate butthurt is when you pick a Shitsburgh Squealer and you end up liking certain aspects about the player you chose, so you start defending them because it makes you feel better about startin’ heath miller over Ladarius Green that week.
(NOTE: I will never select fatass Ben Rothelialaliesisburger-face because frankly, he’s the devil reincarnated).
So when all 12 of your buddies ask you to be in all 12 of their leagues, just make sure you choose wisely. Don’t do what I did with 6 leagues. It gets outta hand. Even if a couple of them are $10, don’t do it. Stick to one or 2 and ENJOY the games again. That way, all you gotta do is monitor 2 QBs, 4 RBs, 4-5 WRs, and a TE. Much easier than monitoring 36 players plus 36 defenders. You’ll be so sideways by week 2, you’ll end up just checking the scores.
And let’s face it, the real winner here is the NFL anyways. Generating more revenue with fantasy football than small African countries. We’re the saps who put fantasy football’s footprint so widespread across America, chicks who got raped by Rapelisburger in 16-player leagues are forced to pick him up as their backup.
I’m so sick of fantasy football being “cool” nowadays. I liked it back when we used newspapers to hand record stats and no one knew who won until Tuesday morning. Those were the good ole days. The days before broads started playing fantasy.
Good luck this year. Oh yeah a fantastic site for rankings is: http://www.fantasypros.com/nfl/rankings/ppr-cheatsheets.php
Logline of the Day:
With cheap time travel, we stop overpopulation by distributing families that have children to various eras in the past.
Logline of the Day:
Robot gradually replaces girl’s husband as her real husband transfers his memories to it before his Alzheimer’s gets worse.
This week’s featured actress is Cassondra Cyronis. Cassondra plays the ultimate Aaron Richmond fan and travels everywhere he competes on his hit TV show “Man vs Meat.” Only problem is that she can’t afford a tattoo yet, so she sharpies herself each time. She’s waiting for some money at that dancing gig at the Silver Pony in Myrtle Beach to start coming in, but they can’t work around her rigorous schedule. Some day. Ya gotta dream, right?
Philosophy Research for Writing #11 - Socrates
Socrates was more concerned with how people should behave, and so was perhaps the first major philosopher of Ethics. He developed a system of critical reasoning in order to work out how to live properly and to tell the difference between right and wrong. His system, sometimes referred to as the Socratic Method, was to break problems down into a series of questions, the answers to which would gradually distill a solution.