This week’s featured actors are friends Brandon Luck and Matt McHugh. They play the super intelligent brother duo Buddy and Bubba. When they’re not infiltrating block Halloween parties, they’re infiltrating tuna. Always a good time when you’re muddin’ with these guys, wheelin’ on mescaline.
Rant #24 - July 20, 2014
I miss the douchebags (DBs) I grew up with. I want the ole douchebags back. The guys that wear the Miami Vice looking shit…the guys that wear white sports jackets over neon pink t-shirts with a pair of shiny aviator sunglasses.
Now DBs are disguised in beards and flannels and handlebar mustaches. Don’t be a poser. Don’t be fake. Don’t act cool because you’re a nerd. You’ll always be a dork. Don’t get a sweet tattoo sleeve and think now your shit don’t stink. Don’t out-intellectualize people about shit that doesn’t matter and think you’re going home with the hot chick in the corner. You’re a fucking dork, you’ll always be a dork. Fukin’ hipsters man. You gotta earn a right to have a handle bar mustache.
Today’s DBs are not as original as the DBs we grew up with. These ahole hipster nerds aren’t cool with their long beards…you’re not the guy from Anthrax.
The DBs from my brother’s generation acted the part and did it well. Bradley Cooper in Wedding Crashers, Biff Tanner, Billy Zane in Titanic, that Roy guy in Better Off Dead, Stan Gable in Nerds, anything with William Zabka. These men were titans amongst boys when it came to douchebagery. They weren’t disguising it by wearing tight jeans fit for a girl while walking their terrier to the farmer’s market where they only go to get seen walking their terrier.
I knew a guy who had a handlebar mustache and he wore it classy. You think he said the word classy like these ahole hipster DBs do? Hell no! He said words like “neat” and “pretty cool,” NOT amazeballs. Ugh, spare me.
I remember going to a thrift store to find old high school homecoming shirts and marathons around Lake Erie printed on em. And we did it to save money while having a nice conversation piece. Nowadays these punks think buying ironic shirts and vintage plaid is a way to be cool when they’re going to their Lumineers concert. “Hey, ho, hum, hey, hey, ho, hum. Belong to you sweetheart.”
That shit ain’t music, music sounds like this: “Ah, ah, We come from the land of the ice and snow, From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow.” My kids will know the Pink Floyd and Aerosmith music before they ever hear a Decemberists note.
And plaid is the cloth of a lumberjack. Something we like to wear in the winter instead of a hoodie depending on the event. The way you can tell though is how tight the plaid is. If it looks like they’re trying to match their jeans elasticity, than they’re probably a hipster.
The hipsters and their namedropping. Oh I know that burrito buggy guy, oh I know a guy who runs that coffee shop. Fuck off with your namedropping. No one cares. Just be original, be yourself. Then you might not be associated with Johnny from Karate Kid. Except nowadays, Johnny from the Karate Kid has a lot more swagger and authenticity than you, ya dink. And congrats for rising to the top of the DB list. You’ve officially passed Troy from the Goonies, and he’s pretty DB-ey.
Today’s featured actor is Zach Hanner who plays the News Guy. He’s an investigative journalist who will stop at nothing until he delivers the scoop, unless of course it’s his own scandal…then he’ll work tirelessly, forgoing any relevant news to cover that shit up.
A scientist with a time portal and a blue collar mechanic are being held hostage in the time of the Dinosaurs by a caveman.
Democritus thought that all of reality is actually composed of tiny, indivisible and indestructible building blocks known as atoms, which form different combinations and shapes within the surrounding void.
A hallucinating beach restaurant owner throws a party for all the town beach bum locals.
List 5 ways you knew, without being told directly, what the person was really feeling. Affectionate Wife:
1. Rubs your back.
2. Delivers a butterfly kiss.
3. Puts her feet onto your feet and wrestles around with them.
4. Puts on your favorite channel and brings over a beer/chicken wings.
5. Throws her head into your neck for comfort.
Logline of the Day:
Fanatical cheerleading instructors kidnap a dancing pig to be their secret weapon mascot at the national cheerleading championship.
Rant #23 - July 13, 2014
Manufacturing emotion pictures. That’s the game they play in Hollywood. And they’re damn good at it. Sure there’s shit piles being produced amongst the gems, but even the shit piles have hard working, knowledgable people pulling the strings. Us as an audience are quick to judge a shitty flick like we’re debating the athletes that get overpaid. But you gotta be so good to make a positive impact to people these days that talent alone ain’t enough. You need people with experience. People with guts. People with brains. People with luck.
If you were gonna make a film that’s successful, you need everyone involved on top of their game. People who have slaved for years to the system. People who played the game better than their peers to award a position in this highly coveted business. People who have a passion for it.
To get a spot on a project, it’s a blessing. You out-competed everyone around you for that spot. That’s why Hollywood pounds out hits…because they have people who have risen through the ranks to be there on that set, doing a job that they’re an all-star at.
When you have that kind of combined effort, it’s truly hard to fail. A good Director would visually tell a good story using his DP to help him accomplish those shots, who in turn tells his grips where to setup the shit to pull off the shots or his gaffer to check out lighting of those shots. A chain of command. A system in place that’s full-proof. Every one of the 200 crew members for ONE movie has a job, and 99% are damn good at it.
I commend anyone who even tries to make a movie. I did it and I saw how fucking hard it is. How far your mind with go to the depths of insanity to get it done. How much blood, sweat, tears, and beers you’ll need to get through it. And that’s just principal photography.
People on the outside looking in often say “How do you get onto that, or how did you start, or what do I have to do to do that? I’m funny, I can act, I write poems so that means I can write movies, right?” Jesus H Christ. Relax. It ain’t something you just fall into. It’s not something you just casually do from time to time and hope it pays off. It requires your attention round the clock. To be able to compete against the said all-stars, you need to be an all-star yourself. Only way to get there is soak up all the knowledge from the best and do it yourself. Then repeat. Then repeat again. Then repeat it again for 10 more years. It takes a life time to do what Hollywood does. And sometimes it hits pay dirt. And I don’t mean your bank account, I mean your career. And even then, if you fuck up, it might be your last time even getting a chance to bat in the big leagues, because once you’re in there, after all the hard work, blood, sweat, and tequila, you’re against people who want to take you out of there. People who themselves have given an above and beyond effort to try to sweep the leg from underneath you.
So you gotta keep fighting. Sacrifice. Keep improving. Keep practicing your craft in hopes that one day, you’ll be apart of a manufacturing motion picture we’ll call a gem. Something that will live on for generations. Something that will make you laugh, cry, yell, love. Emotions. We’re not in the motion pictures. We’re in the emotion pictures. Something that can touch the souls of the world through languages and countries you’ve never even heard of. Something so good, you want to tell your friends about it, and then you want to see it again. Something you quote on hole 12 when you’re waiting behind a 4-some of old broads. I will keep trying to crack that nut, because it’s my passion. What’s your passion? Whatever it is, know that to rise to the top of your particular industry, it’ll take a grind just like Hollywood’s business demands. It ain’t the bright lights you think movies are, it’s the ditches you’re in—crying and bleeding and sweating that make it special. It’s the reaility of hard work, dedication, and committment that make it the show business. There’s truly no business like show business. Now I gotta go work on my script.
In 1940s Italy, wrestlers plot to kidnap Hitler’s self-portrait artist for a ransom.
List out 5 character flaws and then extrapolate an appropriate comic character.
1. Slick Salesman = Gramma Jean
2. Nutrition Conscious = Fat Chick
3. Extrovert = Mathematician
4. Bitchy = Home Health Care Nurse