Literary Device #24: Aphorism
Rant #11 - April 13, 2014
Today I want to talk about the movie Draft Day. I chose not to go see this because it starred Kevin Costner. I chose not to go see this because it had my favorite standup comedian, Denis Leary, albeit I should probably try Rescue Me ‘cause I heard it’s awesome. I chose to go see this piece of shit movie solely because of the Browns. And why not fail? It’s a movie about a bunch of losers. The Cleveland Clowns, I mean Browns.
The team that has left such a massive pit of empty feelings that match that of a Christmas morning a child finds out there’s no Santa, not to mention the same massive hole in the wallets of a fan in the blue collar town. I know, I used to be one. Now, I’m just a satellite fan, who spends about $200 a year at home, plus a 12 pack of Busch light 16 times a year on top of that. No more spending on these bums. It’s just a reality. Thank God for that.
But the reality is in fact, this movie sucks.
Not because it stars a veteran player, rookie actor Arian Foster who’s recent bout with TRBI (Typical Running Back Injury) has left him sidelined with plenty of time for rehearsals. No, Arian did fine, for a rookie.
Check one complete.
Not because of Kevin Costner’s sometime Costering his way through scenes. This time Costner did the best he could with the crappy lines he was given that match that of a sub-par emotional conflict for the protagonist as well as a subplot that just sings with desperation come Act 3.
No, it wasn’t Costner. Check two.
Not because of Ivan Reitman’s shooting style including a weird ass way to do a split screen that looked about as cool as a 3D version of The English Patient. I love Reitman, so for the sake of argument, he ain’t the problem.
RIP Harold Ramis, shout out to Reitman’s Ghostbusters. Check three.
The problem is the script. Holes and more holes. Storylines that switch up and don’t make any sense. Scenes that involve Kevin Costner’s mom and how it relates to the story felt as forced as jen garner’s delivery. The script had dialogue in it that came so far out of left field with a boom, Stan Musial coulda made the throw to home plate from his knees.
At one point, we were in Jacksonville making deals with owners you never even seen until Act 3! I get it, the NFL moves quick, tons of decisions happen on the fly. But in a movie, we can’t just make it look like the NFL Draft day (which the entire movie revolves around it being a 24 countdown until the first pick was on the clock), we have to make it feel like the NFL Draft day. From the perspective of the characters. The players. The coaches. The GM. Whoever. But by the time the Browns traded up to #1 pick, nabbed up a LB from the Buckeyes 90 minutes down the road, we didn’t even care he got picked. We were like “oh that’s right, that’s the buckeyes guy…forgot bout him.”
It’s tiring to watch a crappy movie that features your favorite team so much that their shit was splattered all over the screen with so much brown and orange it looked like Halloween gave birth.
It sucks that they couldn’t quite capture the magic that Major League did with the Tribe back in the 80’s (which by the way is a 10/10 on my IMDB. This Draft Day barely claws it’s way to a 3. It only gets a 3 because: 1. Browns, 2. Denis Leary and 3. Browns).
In any case, we were spoiled to have a movie in Hollywood being made about an NFL Draft and moreover, the Cleveland Browns. I mean at one point they had Bernie Kosar shaking hands with the Cost, while Jim Brown reprimanded the Cost about not fucking up (I think he said that, but again, there was so much going on with this movie in my head between the shitty story and dialogue and the fact that they had Browns shit everywhere, I can’t even remember what the hell was going on. For all I know, Jim Brown coulda been talking to the Cost about the time he first got to Hollywood and had to do a B-movie with Roger Corman involving aliens having sex with NFL players and Brown was to star as the alien’s head coach during the final act showdown game versus the humans, only after an entire act 2 of Brown training the aliens on new shotgun plays and proper ways to throw screen passes).
But I digress. For what it’s worth Hollywood. Just remember. It’s easy to pick on us little guy mid-market teams like the Indians and the Browns. But that’s our right of passage. We’re allowed to have movies made about us little guys, because that’s what movies do. They have the little guy take on the big guy and win, while learning about it. Only trouble is in Draft Day, there was no big guy.
Oh and jennifer garner ALLLLLLWAYS blows too.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go check when it’s available for DVD, so I can mark my iCal with when to jump on Amazon for the pre-order. It might come with a brown and orange bandana that says Draft Day and a behind the scenes look at the producers standing at the corner of Carnegie and Ontario.
Official release of All You Can Eat. A spoof where I play the asshole host in vein of Guy Fieri from Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. Enjoy.
This week’s featured actress is a dear friend of the producer, Ms. Terrie Batson. Terrie plays the Hostess at the Olive Park and knows all the best lunch specials in a moment’s notice. She even can sometimes sneak an extra mint at the end of the meal, the minx.