Rant #31 - September 15, 2014
It’s reeling in C-town today baby! The Cleveland Browns hosted the New Orleans Saint and guess who won? We did! We tookover control of a team who was picked by many as a potential Super Bowl contender and made them hurt. Bad. We had them by the balls, squeezing so hard that even the head coach of the Saints (Payton) was chewing out his D coordinator (Ryan) on the sidelines on national TV. Ah, so glorious. Such a feeling.
As a Browns fan, we don’t get Ws like this. We always have a sad ending to even the closest of games (see Shitsburgh, week 1 FY14). We’re always the ones walking out of the stadium, sad, heads lowered, bitching to our friends with our slurry spite.
But not this time. No way. This time, we looked better. We played better. Shit we had 3 of our “star players” (2 of which are pro bowlers) not even on the O and we still put some points up. Man did it feel good to see a victory for the first time at a home opener in a decade!
While some fans are so used to winning they don’t even celebrate as much when they do, we don’t. We cherish each victory as if it were a playoff. As if it meant life or death. Football’s in our blood when you’re raised in Northeast Ohio. It’s what you do. You watch other sports like baseball and basketball to keep you occupied until football starts. Whether it’s D1 high school or the Buckeyes 2 hours away. There’s something special about football in Cleveland. And the Browns are all we got when it really counts.
Sure we love us some Urban Meyer and the thought of a World Series win is something special too. But if I were asked would I rather see the Indians win a World Series or see the Browns go to the Super Bowl? Best believe it’s the latter. I know, I know. But really, is there anything more electrifying, more blood pumping, more adrenaline inducing than seeing your NFL team win a game? No way. That’s why football is so sacred. That’s why we can’t get enough. You only got 16 chances to do something before you either pack up the lockers or start getting new post-season jerseys. And for every win out of those 16 games, it’s an unmatched enthusiastic, contagious, happy feeling you can’t get enough of.
So this week’s rant is dedicated to our team. The Browns. The continuously spoiled litter of the NFL. Except this time, we did the spoiling. Who Dat? Suck it Saints. We already told ya who we are. We’re the Cleveland fucking Browns. Deal with it. Haters.
Logline of the Day:
Two clones are raised with opposing moral structures, then placed on an island for a televised fight to the death.
Rant #30 - September 11, 2014
Growing old sucks. This week I had my very first cystoscopy. Thank you kindly for that Mr. Urologist.
For anyone who doesn’t know what that is, or if you’re not a playboy who has to get his dingy checked every 2 months for STDs, than let the attached Exhibit A picture give you a sense of the discomfort level associated with one of these procedures. It’s titled as “minor surgery” so of course I milked it when it came to letting the ole lady take care of me that night. But Jesus H man, check that scope out! That thing was in my thingy! OUCH!
I don’t wanna overdo it either. This ain’t exactly a kidney transplant like the ole man had, but it sure was a weird feeling. It left me feeling a little nervy afterwards. I kinda kept recalling that flush of water being sent down my urethra and the sensation of a piece of plastic being shoved up my hole and kept grabbing at my junk while crossing my knees inward. It was worse to relive it after I was done, in some small way.
But then the pain of peeing and the anxiety that came from the fear of peeing that sent me into a trance all night. I gotta admit the shock I had immediately after the procedure was equivalent to learning a celebrity you liked died. Something where you couldn’t really believe it happened. It ain’t no death, but you get the idea. It was weird.
And then the actually procedure made me rethink my age…I’ll be 34 in 1 month and 1 week. That’s officially mid-30s! That blows my mind. I’m growing up faster than I thought I would, shit I’m damn near grown up and am just now actually dying. Isn’t that what how you start to feel?
But fear of death, fear of being nothing, fear of no direction were all thoughts that consumed my late 20s. The man who had such bad anxiety, he needed a 6 pack a day to just get by. A man that didn’t want pills as a solution, but rather a rope to get out of the rut he was in. That man definitely had it worse. I’ll take physical ailments lining up to attack the ole body once we hit this age over a mental deficiency. That shit sucked.
And I feel great though. Doc said nothing was wrong. Said I hold some extra urine around after I pee and that it’s normal. Normal for 40, but still happens to mid-30s guys. So I guess peace of mind is worth being prodded like I’m an ungulate ready to harvest my body for the dry aged freezer at the Teet. I don’t mind getting old anymore. I think I finally figured out what I wanna do with this life and I’m heading in the right direction. So bring it on carcass cognoscente; this cow ain’t tipping over for no one except Tommy Boy!
List out 5 character flaws and then extrapolate an appropriate comic character.
1. Unsanitary = Cook
2. Obsessive = Married Traveling Salesman
3. Excessive Curiosity = Informant
4. Fear of Dying = Detective
5. Self-Doubting = CEO
Logline of the Day:
Struggling chef joins secret eating club that travels in time to dine on long-extinct animals to generate some inspiration and hope to bring some rare fare to his restaurant.
Logline of the Day:
At school that produced 8 Presidents, illicit teacher-First Son romance may be conspiracy to sabotage next election.
This week’s featured actress is Amanda Q. Williams. Amanda graced us with her pleasantries on set, but played a crazy mysterious Halloween party-goer. She definitely shined with that rack, but is this temptress of terror a ploy from the Devil himself? Eh, I dunno, Archie banged her in a Bojangles bathroom last Thanksgiving and he’s still annoying the shit outta me, so I doubt her vag has an supernatural Succubus-like powers.
Literary Device #109: Half Rhyme
Logline of the Day:
Every year, master killers convene in 1 Midwest town to see who can kill the most innovative way without detection.
Literary Device #108: Haiku
This week’s featured actor is local comedian Lew Morgante. Lew is a good buddy and was playing one of the mob goons. Here, Lew is choking the shit outta fellow comedian Zack Burk, although we’re pretty sure Burk asked him to because then he was able to use both hands for better asphyxiophilia achievement.
Philosophy Research for Writing #13 - Aristotle
Aristotle’s system of deductive Logic, with its emphasis on the syllogism (where a conclusion, or synthesis, is inferred from two other premises, the thesis and antithesis), remained the dominant form of Logic until the 19th Century. Aristotle held that Form and Matter were inseparable, and cannot exist apart from each other. He realized that Ethics is a complex concept and that we cannot always control our own moral environment. He thought that happiness could best be achieved by living a balanced life and avoiding excess by pursuing a golden mean in everything.