DAY 148: Free associate on what’s going on in your life right now.
I’m heading to the great outdoors tomorrow! I can’t freakin’ wait! It’s been about 4 years since I went camping and I can’t wait to fish. Fish, drink beer, swim, cook and eat. Ahhhhhhh. I’m also going with a friend from high school so it will be great catching up on old times. I can’t wait to put my ole lady’s worm on her hook, cook corn on the cob right on the grill, and shove a hot s’more down my throat causing some nice mouth burn. The best is that we’re gonna be hanging out with other random people too, so I’m hoping we get into some funny conversations. I hope that one guy will show up with the Eddie Bauer sleeping bag, Polo Ralph Lauren shaving travel kit and J Crew sandals. And he’ll be wearing a pair of red rope-lace boat shoes, pink bermuda shorts and a Lacoste collar-popped lavender polo. I wanna hear about his sailboat and my lack of direction. I wanna play Catch Phrase with him and throw him off all night by using words that describe the previous phrase. I can’t wait.
DAY 147: Take a serious article and make it funny by changing as few words as possible.
ORIGINAL: Tim Tebow’s people ask scantily clad Broadway actress to remove Twitter photo: New York Jets quarterback Tim Tebow attended the Broadway musical “Rock of Ages” over the weekend, afterward posing for a photo with members of the cast who were somewhat scantily clad.
Cast member Naka Zang promptly posted the photo to her personal Twitter account. She later posted a photo of the entire cast Tebowing. A short while later she added a message claiming she was asked by one of the quarterback’s people to take down the photo with Tebow, according to TMZ.com.
“Well, Due to Tebow’s “image” I was asked to remove the pic of him with us half dressed ladies. He does know we arn’t real strippers right?” Zang posted in a message that was eventually deleted.
She later responded with: “Tweeps. I’m not mad, or judging. Just letting u all know I took the pic down. Ok. Thanks.”
TMZ reported that Tebow’s representatives did not respond to requests for comment.
REDUX: Tim Tebow’s people ask scantily clad Broadway actress to remove Twitter photo: New York Jets Special Team’s player Tim Tebow attended the Broadway musical “Jesus Christ Superstar” over the weekend, afterward posing for a photo with members of the cast who were dressed like Satan and gay bikers.
Cast member Naka Zang promptly posted the photo to his personal Twitter account. He later posted a photo of the entire cast Wicca-ing. A short while later he added a message claiming he was asked by one of the douchebag’s people to take down the photo with Tebow, according to Vatican.va.
“Well, Due to Tebow’s ‘love for Christ and homosexual tendencies’ I was asked to remove the pic of him with us half dressed biker guys. He does know we aren’t real strippers right?” Zang posted in a message that was eventually deleted.
He later responded with: “Tweeps. I’m not mad, or judging. Just letting u all know I took the pic down. His bulge was too visible for even my Twitter account. I didn’t know he would get so horny staring at all our hairy asses.”
The Vatican.va reported that Tebow’s representatives did not respond to requests for comment.
DAY 146: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.
The word I’m choosing this round is adventitious. It means “random”. That’s how I feel lately when thinking about my Youtube videos. On the eve of the night where my videos on my channel will receive a total of 70,000 views, I wanted to vent a second. I feel like I’ll never know what it truly feels like to have a video go viral. I see some of this shit that does and it makes me scratch my head. Just from personal experience, I find that my videos I created with very little planning tend to do better. Whereas the videos I put a lot of effort into are at a fledgling 500 view stalemate. Oh well, I’ll keep pluggin along.
DAY 145: Father’s Day is about three weeks away! Start fixing up this material now.
My ole man is awesome. He’s such a character. I enjoy living close to him these days and being able to hang out with him and golf once a month, at least. I love going to places with him where there’s a small issue with something and watching him get riled up. I’ll be like “sorry, my dad hates when you run out of cocktail sauce, as you can tell” or “sorry, my dad likes the spot right next to the entrance, and you were in his way.” He’ll also say these little gems that you have to catch about day-to-day life. He loves rippin on morons, as do I. He also loves baggin on bad sports, as do I. He enjoys getting fired up over shitty commercials, shows and movies, as do I. Come to think about it, I would actually consider myself a Jr. Bob. I feel like I’ve adapted all my mannerisms and behavioral patterns from my dad. I get overheated at the drop of a dime, I hate when it’s cart path only and I can’t stand cop shows where a broad is pulling out a gun. With all that being said, I’m gonna work on some good bits about my ole man, because I think the world would enjoy his humor as I’ve come to do. More about this coming soon enough.
Also, above is a video featuring my ole man watching our favorite Ohio State Buckeyes play the Michigan Wolverines. This is where I get my sports passion from, FYI.
DAY 144: Write about something that makes you happy.
There are many things that put a smile on my face. But today I will be talking about the one thing on my mind lately that’s put me in good spirits. I’m talking about my brother. I rarely see him, actually only about once a year, but I got a chance to hang out with him this past weekend and it was great. He’s very funny and I draw a lot of inspiration from him. I think we would be even closer if we were closer in age (I’m 31, he’s 43), but I’ll take what I can get. He’s funny. We went out to eat at a Tiki bar on Saturday and golfed on Sunday, and I laughed the whole time through. He definitely makes me happy and I’m looking forward to hanging with him again in July. It’s great to have me and him together along with my parents…it’s a little makeshift Christmas in May. Plus we got to talk Pink Floyd concerts, Iron Man 3 and the Browns. Good time. Good laughs. Good memories.
DAY 143: Take your worst joke and fix it.
Former:
TIME MAGAZINE - Time magazine was cool this week. Bout time they got cool, huh, with that chick fucking breast feeding the 3 year old.
Latter:
TIME MAGAZINE - So Time magazine was cool this week. Bout time they got cool, huh, with that chick fucking breast feeding the 3 year old. God, did you see this chick with this blonde hair and nice looking rack. She gotta little nipple hanging out. Old people are gettin confused now. Grampa’s picking it out at the grocery checkout and gramma thinks he’s picking up a Penthouse. Argument starts flaring up, all the while she’s trying to write a check to pay for the Time magazine. But at least Time magazine’s trying to keep up with the trends these days. We got TV shows that show ass cheeks and dropping shitbombs. I think it’s good Time took a stand and said “We aren’t just for old farts. We like college kids too!” Next they’ll be handing out free ecstasy and glowsticks with your subscription. You’ll be like “oh, geritol isn’t sponsoring Time anymore?” “Nope. They got replaced by DJ Dan and Beats headphones.” It’s like Time magazine’s turning into Source or some shit.
DAY 142: Clip a picture from today’s newspaper. Write a funny caption for it.
“This stocky stuff is really bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S! I’m gonna go buy some stocky stuff though because an event told me to.”
DAY 141: Write a funny top 10 list.
Top 10 Reasons to Stay Away from the Facebook IPO
10. Because the shareholder’s meeting will be a created Facebook event that half the owners will skip because they didn’t pay attention to it.
9. Now your wall posts will include information about the Declaration of Dividend.
8. You will be forced to “like” fan pages for your new Directors.
7. When typing excel spreadsheets for your accountant, half the page will end up being in a live chat that you didn’t see pop up.
6. You’ll get tagged in the newly appointed Auditor’s report and get on some IRS list.
5. Your suggested friend’s list will consist of Jeffery Skilling, Bernie Ebbers and Dennis Kozlowski.
4. Your new mutual friend’s list will consist of Peter Thiel, your drunk annoying uncle and Bono from U2.
3. You’ll get more comment spam notices about your lack of diversification in your portfolio after being tagged at the annual picnic.
2. Now you’ll be forced to see ads on the right side of your wall for Polygrip, catheters and Geritol.
1. Because now you’ll get invited to the annual Goldman Sachs’ $108 billion executive bonus payout party and not get to ride the water slide.
DAY 140: Edit some of your older material.
Former:
ANAL FISSURES - Did you ever notice what or how much you ate based off of how your asshole feels? Gay guys, time for you to head to the bar on this one. I mean if I’m eating fruits and vegetables, asshole feels nice and tight. I eat taco bell at 2 AM, next day I’m shittin my brains out and my asshole feels like a god damn Gynocologist was speculummin my ass, literally. I once got a thing called an anal fisher. Now this happens when you completely hit rock bottom on your diet. This is a nice little reminder in the form of a hard skin tags that tells ya “slow down” every time you’re takin a dump. I swear, hemroids were created by God as a deterrent to jumbo Rally’s BBQ cowboy burgers at 1 AM on a Wednesday.
Latter:
ANAL FISSURES - Did you ever notice how bad you’ve eaten lately, based off of how your asshole feels? Gay guys, time for you to head to the bar on this one. I mean, I eat taco bell at 2 AM, next day I’m shittin my brains out and my asshole feels like a god damn Gynocologist was speculummin my ass, literally. My butt lets me know if I hit the jalapenos a little too hard. I gotta use ointments and creams and pop Immodium like they’re tic-tacs. I once got a thing called an anal fisher. Now this happens when you completely hit rock bottom on your diet. This is a nice little reminder in the form of a hard skin tag that tells ya “lay off the cheesy gordita crunches”. I swear, hemroids were created by God as a deterrent to jumbo Rally’s BBQ cowboy burgers at 1 AM on a Wednesday.
DAY 139: Write something funny about sex without making it dirty.
I remember the first time I learned about sex. It was early in my youth. I was told I had to do it because my parents told me so. I had to get up early too to do it. I remember old guys teaching me about it. They would stand in front of us and show us how to join in this experience. I remember I had to dress up for it. I remember I could talk about it to anyone I wanted to, because that’s how I was raised. Then I was told I had to do it at school once a month or so. It became apart of me and I still practice it today. Although I would like to engage in it more often than I do, it still is easy to do once I get back into it. I hate the people who only do it on holidays. Gotta run, time for Communion!
DAY 138: Write about money.
Money is funny. It seems to always find its way in the hands of wrong people. The worst people tend to get it, and a lot of it at that. Rarely do we see people who shell out money to homeless people, ever winning or coming into fortune. It’s always the assholes from Real Housewives of Atlanta or the Kardashians who grow up, inherit or have money find its way to them. I think the oldest son in “Mr. Mom” said it best when speaking to Michael Keaton about holding the cash for the other, younger son when he said, “I’ll hold it…money makes him crazy.” Exactly! Money makes ya crazy and is the root of all problems for most of us. With it, you can do what you want. Without it, you wind up doing shit you hate or don’t want to do. Yeah, “money won’t buy happiness” and I know this is hack but it’s true when we respond with “OK, but I’ll be happier when I’m driving my Ferrari to Entourage’s Turtle’s house party where I’ll be served fresh Pterodactyl meat from the bosoms of Playmates, while smoking a Gurkha Black Dragon cigar, drinking a bottle of Dalmore 62 Single Highland Malt Scotch, watching Pearl Jam play live, while skinny dipping in a pool with 18 interconnected lagoons covering more than 30 acres.” Yeah, money’s no fun.
DAY 137: Organize your premises.
Done. New meme.
DAY 136: Write 4 clever malapropisms.
1. Now we’re cooking with olive oil.
2. Don’t let your winnings go to your head, or your failures go to the dealer.
3. Guns don’t kill people — pupils do.
4. Persuasion is reality.
DAY 135: Write a recipe, but make it funny.
This recipe is for a successful national commercial.
2 parts bad actors who are overly cheesy
1 part director who thinks he’s making an action flick
1 part writer who makes sure he adds the phrases “shut the front door”, “boom!” and “this is the face of awesome”
15 parts crew who can’t believe this project got the green light to begin with
1 part company who doesn’t care about ad dollars, so agrees to have this pile of shit aired
mix all parts thoroughly and serve to an audience of dinks
DAY 134: Make a master list of the comedic pieces you’ve written. HISTORICAL WILMINGTON
