DAY 352: Have someone read your comedy to you. What does hearing it tell you?
That I should give up and go back to MJW Careers work, ASAP. Oh yeah, “don’t ever give up” thing. Well it certainly isn’t going to be my focus after the Dale Archdale feature film. That is my last stab at producing, unless something comes out of it. No more short Youtube videos that cost me more money and time to make than views I actually do get. I doubt I will continue to do any live performing, like theater and standup. I don’t know if I’ll rejoin my improv group on Mondays. The only thing certain is that I will continue to write, because that’s what I wanna be when I grow up: a writer. So I will continue to write and start putting more efforts into finding a lit agent. As far as acting…I will continue to do auditions, because those only come once every 3 months, so that’s fine. As you can tell, it’s been a grind for the past 8 years and I am about at the end of my rope. I know some people go on for 40 years at this business and I commend them. But with a family coming sooner than later, a house I wanna have with the ole lady and a new car probably in our future (mine this time), I need to be an adult. And that means growing MJW Careers. So I’m not going to necessarily “give up,” but I will dial it back a bit in 2013 and see what happens with MJW Careers as well as the Dale Archdale feature.
Quick summary of my 2013 focal points:
1. Dale Archdale feature film post-production, film festivals, distribution
2. MJW Careers - everything and anything, including finishing my job hunting book
3. Lit Agent - keep piling up my scripts and make my kit to send out to them
4. Capturing Smell feature film. It’s going to happen this year!
5. Start prepping for 2014: bringing motivational speaking/humor in the workplace development and branding back into my goals
DAY 351: Write about sports.
Today, the names and faces of the victims in the Connecticut Kindergarten shooting were released. Instead of writing about sports, something I constantly do in my blogs, I wish to express my prayers to the victims and the families, as well as all the responders involved. In doing so, I wish to simply list the victims of the horrific tragedy and let them know we’re thinking of them.
Charlotte Bacon, 6
Daniel Barden, 7
Rachel Davino, 29
Olivia Engel, 6
Josephine Gay, 7
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Dylan Hockley, 6
Dawn Hochsprung, 47
Madeline Hsu, 6
Catherine Hubbard, 6
Chase Kowalski, 7
Jesse Lewis, 6
James Mattioli, 6
Grace McDonnell, 7
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
Emilie Parker, 6
Jack Pinto, 6
Noah Pozner, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Avielle Richman, 6
Lauren Rousseau, 30
Mary Sherlach, 56
Victoria Soto, 27
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Allison Wyatt, 6
But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” - Matthew 19:14
DAY 350: New Year’s Eve is two weeks away! Start fixing up your end-of-the-year material now.
Dag gone dawg dang dong, man. It’s the end of the year. I feel like I’m an actor in a god dam Richard Simmons workout video at the end of every year. Like I’m motivated and wanting to be there, but then realizing all the shit I gotta do to get paid non-union pay plus a free copy of the shitty video, and so I decide to just stare at Simmons all afternoon between eating free crafty. Probably don’t even serve chocolate or pastry. Stuck with bananas all day. Which is fine! I need too anyway! At the end of every year, I enjoy watching stupid countdowns. VH1, MTV, Food Network, Golf Channel, whatever. Just give me a countdown, so I can rant about more morons I hate. I started my own countdown:
Top 5 Things That Irritated Me About the Year
5. The 2012 End of the World Shit. Alright, let’s think fuckers. You believe in other men’s ideas about the end of the world. I think we have a better chance that the Cleveland Browns win a Super Bowl then for the world to end anytime soon.
4. Female ESPN reporters. Go away. Just…go away. Acting like you’ve played the god damn game before. Reading teleprompters makes me smart in sports, I swear.
3. Cavs, Indians, Browns. Constantly. All the time. Forever. And ever. Thought I told you that we won’t stop, said the owners. Although, Haslam might be the gleam we’ve been waiting on. Wait, stop believing. It’s Cleveland. Yeah, right. Ahem. Nevermind. We still suck. Ahem. And we always will. Ahem.
2. Hunger Games. What a piece of shit. And that was the biggest movie this year? God help us. Might as well add on any Twilight shit that came out this year too. All of pop media makes me rather have the squirts for an entire night out, than having to watch Honey Boo Boo or Carrie Underwear.
1. The shootings. These asshole cowards need to keep within his own personal space. Don’t bother people besides yourself. Even if you’re the most fucked up through nature, nurture, both, whatever. Just maintain your own personal space and we’ll all be fine. I continue to pray for those children and their families. We must change, like the President said. Take care of mental illness. Face it head on!
DAY 349: Update your contact lists. Drop people a line to check in and make sure your info is current.
Done. New meme.
DAY 348: Rework an old bit.
Scene for the new Dale Archdale feature film. Screw formatting.
INT. DALE’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Tension is high as Dale’s family sits with the Fauxman family. The trailer park crew is also sitting patently waiting. Dale Junior and Junior are filling super soakers with gasoline. Fauxman is holding a golf club. He looks down at his watch.
FAUXMAN: I can’t take this waiting. I wish they would just come and get it over with.
RONNIE: I can’t wait to blow them.
Dale shoots Ronnie a look. Ronnie shrugs and motions to his blow dryer. Glass breaks in the distance.
GINGER: Oh God! They are in our house!
Ginger pulls Abigail close to her and comforts her.
DALE: Don’t worry. This place is locked down tighter than fort fuckin knox.
Serge walks in the room and zips up his pants. Everybody looks at him.
SERGE: What? The toilet was broke so I go out back and take leak.
ARCHIE: Did you lock the damn door when you came back in?
Serge pauses for a moment with a sheepish look on his face. He goes to speak but all the lights go out in the room.
DALE: Alright nobody panic.
The lights come back on and the room is filled with goons from the Bambino family. They are dressed in black with slicked back hair. Some are carrying pistols and others are holding baseball bats.
DALE: Ok. Now we can panic.
DAY 347: Write about the holiday shoppers you’ve been coming across.
I deal with assholes who can click faster than me and have faster internet connections.
DAY 346: Research and make contact with four new markets for your work.
1. Investors - they’re starting to come in for the Dale Archdale feature film project, set for principal photography on Feb 15.
2. Crew - starting to piece the crew together and it feels good.
3. Named Star - reached out to about 20 named stars and have received word back from 2 that they are interested! Woohoo! Need this for our film, badly!
4. Friends - film friends, regular life friends, family. Whoever! I’m coming for you and I’m looking for some handouts to make this shit go smoother!
DAY 345: Make up a funny Christmas list of 15 items.
Note: All this shit’s real!
1. a Hot Wheels version of the Oscar Mayer weiner mobile & whistle (for Reinhold)
2. wheat penny
3. Burger King crown
4. disposable gloves
5. Gordon Lightfoot Live DVD box set
6. 7 foot gummy snake
7. the Baby Mop
8. Handle of G-Spirits whiskey
9. Brownie Bar Maker
10. Badass Sunglasses With Assault Rifle Temples
11. New Zealand Driving School For Dogs Membership
12. Pizza Hut cologne
13. Booze-Infused Marshmallows
14. Bacon Jello
15. Bacon Shaving Cream
Stocking Stuffer: Sriracha Lip Balm
DAY 344: Organize your premises.
Done. New meme.
DAY 343: Expand your vocabulary. Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.
Today’s word is jocundity. It means cheer. Right now, I’ve been quite merry and cheerful this season. Business was good this year and overall 2012 was very good to me and Jamie. We’ve been slacking a little this December and enjoying ourselves only because we know how hard we worked and how much harder we’re going to be working in 2013. Shooting a feature film, beginning my new client meetings and trying to break my record 2012 sales for MJW Careers will take some long hours. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still working in December, but I’m definitely partaking in more events and spreading some jocundity. Fishing, golfing, Browns game with wings, poker night, Charleston romantic evening with some live Charles Dickens and an annual golf outing is my upcoming week. I’ll sprinkle in some work, especially pre-production on Archdale, but it’ll definitely be tough as we ring in the new year. I don’t wanna jinx myself and I will keep praying, putting in 16 hour days and going to church, because I know I’m blessed right now. The anxiety is at an all-time low since 2008 and things are keepin on keeping on. So thanks for reading my blog, mom, and whoever else! Cheers. Here’s to a nice 2013!
DAY 342: Add all your new bits to your material list.
Done. New meme.
DAY 341: Edit some of your older material.
Here is an edited scene from a pilot I’m developing about the HR recruiting world. Fuk format!
INT - MANUFACTURING FACILITY - DAY
HOT SALES GIRL (25) walks into plant. Pan from left to right with all those different boxes across the screen popping up 2 at a time until whole screen is filled w/ 8 boxes (so the screen begins black and lights up as she walks past…each box represents another disaster from MALE WORKERS watching her walk through.)
BOX 1: Guy on towmotor crashing into wall.
BOX 2: Welders lifting hat up and welding sparks getting on face and eyes.
BOX 3: Guy dropping heavy hand tool on foot and wearing no steel toes—-make it known that the company doesn’t provide steel toes or hard hats due to expenses cutbacks.
BOX 4/BOX 5: Guy drops box from top area and it falls on Guy below who isn’t wearing hard hat.
BOX 6: Guy turning blue because of material handling chemicals, because he took off his respirator mask to see lady.
BOX 7: Guy falling off ladder.
BOX 8: 2 Guys running into each other and papers going everywhere.
INT. BOSS’ OFFICE
Hot Sales Girl is meeting with BOSS (55). Hot Sales Girl is blabbing and cue his narrative in his mind of what he’s thinking.
Boss: Man, I wanna get some of that.
Closeup of upper sweating lip and eyebrows. He puckers and licks his lips; tugs his balls; rubs his sweat off; starts bobbing his head; grinding teeth and then more grinding teeth; starts making donkey noises out loud.
FIREMAN (45) enters room and extinguishes him off, hosing him off with extinguisher foam.
DAY 340: Write a bit about the holiday season.
How about the holidays in America, huh? Aren’t we just looking like stupid shits fighting each other on Black Friday? Foreign people must be like, “stupid foreigners” when they see us fighting and yelling and kicking and screaming at each other over Furbies. You know that feeling you get when you see foreigners on the TV fighting each other with torches and M80s? That’s what we look like, but with shopping carts and gift cards. I mean we look like complete morons out there. It’s like relax people. It’s a sale and times are tough, but let’s not lose class. Let’s not look like it’s a free bread sampling that just came out from the back at a Panera Bread! Holy shit! Run! RUN! FREE BREAD! Keep it together America. You’re making us look bad during the Christmas season, so shape up or ship out! You’d fit in better at one of those foreign countries, the way you’ve been acting lately.
DAY 339: Is what you’re writing relevant? What emotion do you want each bit to play off? Tailor your material to present your ideas more clearly.
I feel I like to develop a mixture of 2 types of comedies: Dumb (like Farrelly Brothers or Will Farrell) and Care (like Homer Simpson or Bill Murray). I think it hinges on slapstick and blue collar/toilet humor. So when someone says, “that’s so dumb” or “look how the lead guy doesn’t care about shit,” I think it gets me bones laughing the hardest.
DAY 338: Free associate on what’s going on in your life right now.
Well this week I officially accomplished probably the biggest thing I’ve ever done in life…made it into a movie trailer on the big screen. Prior to seeing Lincoln last week, I saw myself in the Parental Guidance trailer (comes out December 25th, go see it foo). It was very surreal and I was very excited having this as being the single biggest accomplishment. However, seeing it on the big screen before Lincoln started was very cool! I couldn’t believe it! In any case, the funniest thing that happened was hearing a black dude snoring and waking himself up during Lincoln. He was probably like, “Man this Lincoln movie is long. I didn’t think it was such a commitment.”