DAY 337: Read your writing. What does it tell people about you?
It tells people I’ve got a fucked up imagination and my writing is complete shit, so why bother. I know already, brah. Leave me alone.
DAY 336: Take the funniest thing you’ve written this year and make it funnier.
Here is a scene from my El Kingo script. Don’t worry about format, huh?
INT. BUS - DAY
GUARD 4 (30) is poking Steve with a stick.
GUARD 4: Get up and get off.
Steve is confused and looks around, groggy. Other PRISONERS mug Steve, including DIESEL (4), a biker dude.
Steve, apart of a chain-gang, awaits to exit bus in line with other Prisoners.
STEVE (singing Styx’s Renegade): Oh mama, I’m in fear for my life from the long arm of the law. Lawman has put an end to my running and I’m so far from my home.
STEVE/PRISONERS (in unison): Oh mama, I can hear your crying you’re so scared and all alone. Hangman is coming down from the gallows and I don’t have very long.
PRISONER 1: The jig is up…
Prisoner 1 is bashed to the ground by Guard 4. Steve is pushed again by Guard 4.
EXT. MEXICO BORDER - DAY
Steve walks out of bus glaring at the hot sun. Chickens pass by. GUARD 5 (40) walks the line of criminals, cutting off handcuffs with a wire-cutter.
GUARD 5: Welcome home.
A border sign reads “Welcome to Mexico”. Guard 4, Guard 5 and other GUARDS drive off. Steve glares back to Diesel punching him in face. Steve hits the ground. Fighting ensues. Steve manages to beat up Diesel and 3 Prisoners. The VILLAGERS close in during the fight and starts putting wagers down. LUCIANA (25), Mexican cutey, approaches a battered Steve, wiping his wounds and blood from his face. She smiles. Her brother, PABLO (29), approaches and snaps his fingers.
PABLO (in Spanish): Luciana! Let’s go!
Luciana rushes out. Steve is showered with gifts and chickens from the Villagers. He is offered keys to a Burrito Buggy from BURRITO BUGGY OWNER (45). Steve drives off. Luciana places the blood-soaked rag against her face as a momento she plans to keep.
ARMANDO (14) approaches with a rosary.
ARMANDO: Here, take it. A gift.
Steve grabs it and rubs the kid’s head. Steve looks on with some zeal.
DAY 335: Write about the worst winter in your life.
The worst winter of my life was the one between 1980 and 2006 in Cleveland.
DAY 334: Rewrite an old topic using none of the same jokes.
Old topic? How about the Wild Wild West. That’s when poker was legit. Nowadays at a poker table, once the hand is complete, the dealer puts the cards in an automatic shuffler that gets sucked under the table! Who knows where those cards go! U know they got some crew of guys below who shuffle em according to the backroom fix. They fix em to assist certain players at the table. I demand an old western 1800 dealer who still shuffles cards in front of us!
DAY 333: Write about getting together with your family.
I just got back from Turkey Day in Shitsburgh. It’s funny to me. So dreary up there and to think I lived in the same Cleveland-type weather for 25 years! In Pittsburgh, you get pulled over for wearing sunglasses because it’s always cloudy. Even if it’s a little bright. In Wilmington, you get pulled over for not wearing sunglasses, even when it’s cloudy.
The first 3 nights I couldn’t shower because it was too late at my in-law’s house and the “baby” was already sleeping. Then the last 2 nights I couldn’t shower because of my buddy’s work schedule. We came in too late and he was already sleeping. So I took water and splashed it all over my balls and assface. Gritty.
DAY 332: Write comedy about a vacation.
Woohoo! We’re heading for Cali. It’s 1989 and I’m in the back seat of my parent’s van, with trailer attached to the back. We were heading around the multiple bends of the Big Sur mountain, onlooking the beautiful Pacific Ocean. Around one bend it was the ocean, the next bend would be some various farmlands and empty forests. Up ahead we see a logging truck heading our way. Is he really taking up all the lanes of the road? YES! Holy shit! My dad swerves to the right as the truck comes barreling towards us, and off the grid we go. Bam, bam, bam, into the farmer’s wooden fence, taking out all the poles. We come to a complete stop in the field, trailer overturned. Holy shit! Did we just cheat death? Well as we made our way off the property, dad $500 poorer, we did notice the very next turn was the Pacific Ocean.
Talk about God helping us out that day. I mean, I don’t wanna get religious, but I think God does help you along the way as we get to our true meaning and intentions. I mean, if you do good and you’re trying your best when you’re in harm’s way, I think he nudges you a little to avoid anything that can be fatal or harmful. Sure, sometime shit happens. But if we didn’t get little nudges like these, I’d be dead at 9, laying at the bottom of the Pacific. So if you’re a bonehead sometimes, God helps when you’re a bonehead so you’re at least back to like how you normally would be, had you not been acting like a bonehead.
DAY 331: Make a list of the last 3 things you wrote about and write about their opposites.
1. The Browns - opposite of the Browns is the Ravens or Steelers. I hate em both.
2. Dale Archdale - opposite of Dale Archdale are the high class Brits. I hate em also.
3. Good movies - opposite of good movies is the Twilight series. I never seen it and I hate it.
DAY 330: Check your writing for inconsistencies, and fix them. Stick to the topics. Are your subjects clear in your bits?
Yes. Now onto more important things. Like the Browns. I enjoyed the win versus the Shitsburgh Fuckheads, but still….C’mon guys! They had 8 turnovers and we only get 20 points outta it! The Browns CANNOT FINISH! You know what happens in high school when a team can’t finish? They run em! Run em and keep running em. Make it so the team is a 4th quarter dominating powerhouse. That’s what we did in high school and our team wins State Championships hand over fist. We ran and ran and ran. That’s what these Browns need: some stamina. Some fight at the end of the game. So will to want to finish strong and win. Run em. And keep running em until they win. The X’s and O’s will be after the 3 hour run session.
DAY 329: Try another form of comedy writing, such as sitcom or essay writing. Just write outside of your comfort zone.
I am currently writing a pilot to go into my literary agent kit. This kit is what I will use to try to get a literary agent. Here is a “scene pitch” from the pilot I am writing. It’s an HR comedy.
-It’s Office style where the camera blinks on from black…it shows a guy in the car screaming (low stomach kind of yell, like you’re lifting something, but also a battle cry mixed in with it) and pounding the dashboard and his buddy starts slamming a beer, then taking a shot of Tequilla, then hitting the joint…then the other guy and the yelling guy cheer at the guy slamming beer…then we quick cut of them sitting in lawn chairs as if they’re tailgating and slamming more beers…then smoking cigarettes and doing beer bong…then they look at watch and are like “fuck” so they put on their business clothes (like Superman style) and head into the office saying “man pregaming for work is the best.”
-Cut to a board meeting - one of the guys starts talking and he dribble pukes a little on himself, then picks back up where he was and barks smart terms (“cradle to grave”) as the stain just sits on the shirt
DAY 328: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.
Today’s word is soft-peddle. It means underrated. I just watched Funny Farm and holy shit is that underrated. It has just as much Christmas in it as It’s a Wonderful Life. The way they present the characters and the rules of 3 throughout the movie is astounding. It’s almost John Hughes-esque. The script builds well and the jokes/characters that thread throughout are developed perfectly (all having a rule of 3). I do notice that it is a typical formatted 3 Act structured script, but so what. The final idea of them paying off the town, who have been dumb shits up until now, so that the new potential buyers think it’s a town straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting is brilliant. Plus, the performance of Chevy Chase. He does a great job combating the lead actress’ bad acting. I love when he goes “I could reach in with my bare hands and pull out fish.”
In writing, the best compliment I get is when someone says, “I like you’re shit, it’s so dumb.” Dumb meaning good. I think Funny Farm is so dumb.
DAY 327: Write a funny letter to a friend.
This past weekend I performed in my first reenactment. It was not the kind where we hoist muskets and charge at each other, but none the less, I was a Revolutionary War solder. I had lines to memorize and a whole outfit. How this worked was a friend of mine, who had to do this act of community service to aid with his DUI community service hours, and I would sit there for 15 minutes until a group of 30 people came over to our spot to hear us speak in English dialect about some of the history behind the park we were at. Then they would move onto the next station and we would sit there for another 15 minutes. I cannot tell you how hard I laughed all weekend. Shit was fun. However, we got into the characters so much (and my DUI friend is not an actor), that our Park Ranger friend, who signed us up to begin with, mentioned that his boss and co-workers LOVED us! They said we got so many compliments and shit. We knew we were dominating the reenactment peak, but we didn’t know we would be in such high demand. So here’s my letter to my Park Ranger friend, Jon:
No pun intended, as I am not attracted to you.
Anyway, the reenactment was a success. It would not have been had Dave and I not been there. We killed it. Now we have a list of demands that should be included in our contracts next year. Yes, we want contracts. Should you not meet these demands, we will not be back to charge up the crowds next year with some battle cry spirit.
1. Trailer that allows us to park our car in it so we remain discrete, 2 air purifiers, and is furnished with helium-filled red balloons
2. Guitar case for collections
3. 5-piece background band so we can sing drinking songs while we wait
4. Slice of Life pizza
5. Authentic 18th century beer mugs with Moore’s Creek Battlefield coozies
6. Williamsburg acting and dialect coach for tech rehearsals
7. 4th of July swag
8. Cornhole set
9. M&Ms with only the red, white and blue included
10. A bunch of free PBRs and 5 Hour Energies
11. 100 figs and prunes in some aluminum foil
12. Framed photo of Benedict Arnold
13. 25 cases of Kabbalah Water
14. 7 dwarves dressed up as those dwarves out of that film about the dwarves
15. Peach colored toilet tissue to match our complexion
16. Dave wants a life sized cut-out of himself
17. No less than 19 6-foot tall leafy green plants and 4 6-foot tall plants should adorn our dressing room in the trailer
18. And the dressing room must be draped with Moroccan drapes
19. A fresh scrubbed and disinfected backstage toilet at temperatures of exactly 78 degrees
20. Coffee that must be stirred counter clockwise
21. A physician back stage to administer B-12 shot
DAY 326: Write a speech “roasting” your boss.
Hey look at my boss. He’s the worst! Why he’s so lame, he calls John McCain to see what he’s doing on Friday nights. He probably enjoys long walks in the park, staring up at the moon and a beach day…with his right hand. He’s so boring, he enjoys Antique Roadshow marathons. If there was a color named after him, it’d be called second-rate silver. I mean, my boss is so lame, I could sleep with his wife and he’d remind me to follow-up with a bouquet of flowers so I don’t burn any bridges. At the company Christmas party, my boss literally showed us a PowerPoint of his feelings. He’s such a little bitch. I love being self-employed though.
DAY 325: Organize your premises.
Done. But now I wanna talk about college football as briefly as possible, being that this year my team (The Ohio State University) is ineligible to go to the Nat Champ game against my 2nd favorite team (Notre Dame), because of tattoos. However, I wanna mention about how Collin Klein shit the bed this past weekend when KSU lost, because he was on Sports Illustrated. I wanna talk about pressure and how SI probably got some kickbacks to assist with Kansas State not going undefeated.
DAY 324: Edit some of your older material.
The freshest scene from new Dale Archdale feature film from my writing partner and I. Don’t worry about formatting as it doesn’t matter on a blog.
INT. 10TH ANNUAL FIGURE 8 ISLAND CHILI COOK OFF CENTER - DAY
Adam Richman is signing copies of his latest book. A busty woman leans over his table. He signs her tits. Dale approaches him.
DALE: Richman! Listen up! You’re gonna get Tori her job back!
Richman continues to sign books. He does not look at Dale.
ADAM RICHMAN: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.
DALE: That ass wipe Lipman got her fired for no reason!
Richman signs another book and hands it to a fan.
ADAM RICHMAN: Sorry buddy not my problem.
Dale starts to walk away but stops and looks back at Richman.
DALE: I bet you couldn’t get her job back even if you wanted to. You’re just Lipman’s patsy.
Richman stops writing.
ADAM RICHMAN: Of course I could get her job back.
He turns and looks at Dale.
ADAM RICHMAN: I’m Adam Fucking Richman.
He finishes signing another book and hands it to an attractive female.
ADAM RICHMAN: The problem is that I have no desire to help your friend.
Dale looks over at a poster of Richman eating a huge burger.
DALE: How about this. If I beat you in the Hillbilly Burger Challenge you have to get Tori her job back. Unless you’re too scared!
ADAM RICHMAN: Adam Richman fears no food. Except footlong hotdogs. They make me feel uncomfortable. What do I get when I win?
Dale pulls out his wallet. He opens it up but it is empty. Richman looks at Dale’s truck parked outside.
ADAM RICHMAN: That your truck?
ADAM RICHMAN: You beat me I’ll get your little girlfriend her job back, but if I win I get your truck.
Dale looks at his truck. He sighs.
DALE: You got yourself a deal.
DAY 323: Write a bit about time.
Nowadays you can use Youtube to try to get famous via a viral video. Our generation consists of people getting famous through Youtube by putting out the video they hope to go viral. But back in the day, you got famous for HAVING TO DO SOMETHING! Back in the day, people got famous through writings about their lives and accomplishments. You had to invent shit. You had to be a Tesla and create alternating current or you had to be Daniel Boone and slay a fucking bear with a knife. Nowadays, you can be a name like Paris Hilton. That’s where we’re at in society. People often criticize modern American writers, because they write about their own lives instead of fiction. Hemmingway wrote about his life, but he had done a lot. He lived a lot. The dude had been through several wars. But, sports still keeps it’s strength to prove human determination to the umpteenth. You have to have oomph to play sports. We shouldn’t have any celebrity who’s famous for doing nothing. Pisses me off.