DAY 307: Free associate on what’s going on in your life right now.

OH, ABOUT BROWNS LOSING SEASON AGAIN - It’s why we’re blessed as Cleveland fans. We might not win, but at least I only have one city across the board of all sports whom I favor. No fairweather fans in Cleveland and no “oh, I like Duke, the Cowboys, the Lakers, the Yankees…” — SHUT THE FUCK UP! We Clevelanders deal with our blows and we’re one for all. I kinda like bagging on NC fans and how they are down here. I can’t tell you how many people I know who like a melting pot of teams. I do understand - half of them didn’t grow up with the exposure to one bag of teams like I did. But it still makes me laugh when they argue sports. It’s nice to have an identity.

DAY 306: Try your hand at writing a longer “story”-type piece.

Eating Cancer may be the only Cure for Popazao Fever

LOS ANGELES - With new release of his smash hit single PopoZão topping the charts in the North Pole and Neverland, Kevin Federline has finally emerged as a force to reckon with in the music industry. His “Jamaican rump shaker” beats are sure to get any party ended.

The slow-witted Federline has always seen himself as a sure-shot success, but critics are eager to him write-off as the next Mozart, but black. PopoZão fever is a recent rising epidemic in the villages surrounding Honduras. It is quickly spreading and some virologists are even exclaiming, “PopoZão fever might even hit the US sometime around never. “

Although some researchers will say being hearing-impaired is the only way to cure PopoZão fever, eating cancer remains the #1 treatment in the highly-affected regions.

The symptoms of PopoZão fever include sudden urges to utter Barbara Streisand hooks, a newfound preference in track-lighting, and a discovered hatred towards meat.

A growing number of fans have also known to become increasingly ill as the song draws near a close. Federline has been quoted with reasoning towards this accusation by saying, “I think it’s because of my incredible talent. People can’t seem to follow the intelligence behind my words, so they get whirl-winded by my great beats. Do you guys validate that parking garage?”

DAY 305: It’s Halloween. What are the 3 funniest costume choices for today’s stars?

1. A Jessica Simpson outfit where she has a noose around her neck.

2. An “Uncle Tom” Ice Cube outfit.

3. A Lebron James outfit where it has tire tracks going across his back.

4. A Tim Tebow outfit where he has devil horns on his head.

5. A Jersey Shore cast member with blood all over them.

DAY 304: Break out your list of three-month goals. Did you meet them? Make a new three-month list.

Here are the original and results:

1. To have the “Dale Archdale” feature film script in Final Draft phase, ready for rewrites, a table reading and a staged reading with filming beginning in November/December. 50% done.

2. To be completed with the “Hitman” play with my playwright collaborating partner, Kilby. Not even close.

3. To have my short film “Change” entered into more film festivals. Done.

4. To have my short film “Capturing Smell” halfway in the can. Not even in principle photography yet.

5. To have landed 6 more clients for our production company. Yep.

6. To have landed 1 more client for my Wilmington Improv corporate program. Yep.

7. Land the 3rd big outplacement client. Yep.

8. To be completed with my job hunting book “UnUnemployed” and ready for revisions. Nope.

9. To be a day player or production assistant with a studio film in the southeast. Yep, Iron Man 3 Production Assistant.

10. To have the “El Kingo” script done and done and possibly ready to shoot it as the feature in the winter over Dale Archdale (uh, oh!). Done, but in rewrites and will not be shooting this script.

11. To have produced 3 “Werewolf vs Gorilla” short films for the webseries. Nope.

12. To have produced 1 “Enforced Happiness” short film for the webseries. Nope.

13. To have produced 4 “Dale Archdale” short films. Yep.

14. To have our sketch comedy troupe’s show fleshed out and ready to begin rehearsals and performances at end of January. Nope. Still have the troupe and have taken a hiatus until mid-November when I am done with the theatrical play I am involved in.

15. Have my daily goals up to date and beginning the phase of creating Pilot and Spec Script for my literary manager “send-out package”. Wanting to have the actual Pilot and Spec Script completed February. Nope.

16. To have the current comedy writing book I’ve been reading for the past 2 months done. Nope.

Here are the new ones:

1. To have the “Dale Archdale” feature film in the can (shooting for a January or February production).

2. To be in the process of writing “Hitman” play with my playwright collaborating partner, Kilby.

3. To have my short film “Capturing Smell” ready for a spring production, after Archdale feature film.

4. To have landed 1 more client for my Wilmington Improv corporate program.

5. Land the 4th big outplacement client.

6. To be completed with my job hunting book “UnUnemployed” and ready for revisions.

7. To have the “El Kingo” script done with revisions and ready to be sent for screenwriting competitions.

8. To have produced Dale Archdale “White Trash Party” promo for feature film package.

9. To have our sketch comedy troupe’s show fleshed out and ready to begin rehearsals and performances in early Spring.

10. Have my daily goals up to date and beginning the phase of creating Pilot and Spec Script for my literary manager “send-out package”. Wanting to have the actual Pilot and Spec Script completed by April.

11. To have the current comedy writing book I’ve been reading done.

12. To have DV Rebel’s Guide book read and completed.

13. To have the script Sue Happy in the works with my screenwriting partner, Shane.

14. To have El Kingo Part Deux script in the works with my screenwriting partner, Greg.

Hurricane Sandy’s coming. Stay smart.

DAY 303: Organize your premises.

Done. New meme.

DAY 302: Rework the lyrics to a famous song and create a parody.

I chose The Beatles’ Her Majesty, because it’s short and it’s sweet and I knew it complete.

Her Brown’s a pretty nice girl,
but she doesn’t have a lot to pregame
Her Brown’s a pretty nice girl
but these new laws are making her pretty lame.

I want to tell her that I love her a lot
But I gotta a migraine from watching the Browns play
Her Brown’s a pretty nice girl
But I already moved away, yeah,
I already moved away.

DAY 301: Edit some of your older material.

Instead of editing old material, I want to rant about my “date night” experience last night. It started off really well. Jamie received a gift card to Circa downtown, and holy shit was it nice. I was outta my element. It’s experimental, fine dining and were we experimenting! I only ate duck once before then, had raw tuna and enjoyed a filet mignon that melted in my mouth like butter. And I ate a garnish made out of a flower. Awesome. And practically free! Then we had tickets last year off the radio to go see the Haunted Battleship (“Ghost Ship”) in Wilmington. Well we decided to use them last night, because they were set to expire on 12-31 and the Battleship was cancelled tonight because of Hurrciane Sandy. Plus, I was going to Halloween parties tonight. Here’s my email to the Director of the Battleship:

Hello,

We WON tickets on the radio for the Ghost Ship. We went to the Battleship Ghost Tour tonight at approx. 7:17 PM on Friday October 26th. They didn’t honor the promotional tickets at the Battleship. The overweight chick who took the tickets at the counter (“Rebecca”) said they were only good for “regular” tours. I said, “we won these tickets on the radio.” She said, “They are not the right ones”. I said, “uhhhh” confused…then asked, “how much is a ‘regular’ tour?” She said, “$12.” I asked how much was Ghost Ship? She said, “$10.” I said, “Well, I’m saving you $4!!!!!” She said, “Sorry sir. Your loss”
I am VERY disappointed in the lack of customer service and lack of communication between you and the radio show. And I am extremely disappointed with the way she handled our issue. What a let down!  I WILL NEVER BE BACK AND WILL CONTINUE TO EXPRESS MY DISAPPOINTMENT ON YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE. This is NOT how you conduct promotions. I mean, c’mon! We were lucky enough to even win the Ghost Ship tour! Now you say it’s my fault that the radio and you guys can’t get your stuff together!!!??!?!?!
Not impressed at all. I hope Panic Attack doesn’t treat us like this tomorrow night, because we’re gonna go PAY them for our business. Cheap. Very cheap.

Signed, Matt (will never take my visiting families here again either)

PS - I EXPECT A RESPONSE!

Then, I managed to find Rebecca on Facebook and messaged her this, before I blocked her:

Thanks for denying our battleship tickets that we won for the haunted ship tonite. No big deal for u though. Meanwhile my wife and I:

1. Haven’t seen each other cause of work for 1.25 months

2. Had a date night planned all month for tonite

3. had a gift certificate to Circa (which we cant afford usually) on top of the battleship tix so it was a free date nite

And…

4. My bday and favorite holiday is Halloween so it means a lot to me to convince her to watch a semi-scary movie with me, let alone GO TO A HAUNTED HOUSE! So for her to muster up enough will power to go to the Ghost Ship woulda been a perfect end to our date.

But your ability to “be the boss” won over our legit free tickets that I never win.

I know it’s a First World Problem, but ur the kind of person I’m glad I’m not friends with in life…causing unnecessary stress and anxiety in a time that’s already tough on all of us.

Oh well, u could give 2 squirts of pee. Later.

I know it’s a little exaggeration, and I know it’s still a non-profit. And I’m not trying to be Un-American. I’m as American and supportive of history as it gets. But Christ Almighty. Sometimes I get fired up! I’ll probably still be back to tour it sooner or later.The Man always wins. Maybe I’ll receive something free like Mark Harmon did for his class in Summer School?

DAY 300: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

Today’s word is reverence. It means to idolize. I look up to true Americans. John Wayne. Lincoln. John Adams. But I wanna talk about my dad. He’s a true American. The guy lived in the better, simpler times before the Internet. When Rock ‘n Roll was new. When fast cars and drinking mixed. He’s a blue collar guy and I feel here’s the reasons he’s the best:

1. loves Jim Croce, Paul Simon, Roger Whitaker and Gordon Lightfoot music
2. loves sports
3. enjoys busting balls and laughter
4. likes good food; not expensive food…GOOD food…there’s a difference

If you can memorize the Arlo Guthrie song “City of New Orleans,” you “dominate the peak.” You own it! You “get it.” Like my ole man.

And dominating the peak means owning life as best you can, in all aspects you can. It’s a mentality.

So go dominate your peak.

Oh, and same goes with memorizing “Southern Cross” by CS&N (no Y yet…but Y’s all good too).

DAY 299: Write a bit about numbers.

Here’s a numbers joke. How long can Howie Mandel extend his 15 minutes of fame? I mean he overextended his 15 minutes of fame into 60. Never since Little Monsters has Howie Mandel experienced such a high degree of fame and exposure, until the ground-breaking hit reality TV game show, Let’s Make a Deal.

As untalented and skill-set lacking as the host, Let’s Make a Deal re-surfaced Mandel’s lackluster career.

Confirming viewers’ accusations about his sexuality preference, his brass pirate earrings and well-lubed bald head left no one perplexed any longer. From hillbilly hot-shots to hot dog-loving financial analysts, any type of Wal-Mart going mid-westerner is welcomed with warmth on Howie’s set.

“He was handing out free copies of US Weekly magazine with him in it. I never get free magazines anywhere!” said Tonya, a waste water treatment operator, from Onancock, WV. “He even let me listen to the rehearsal phone calls to the banker. It was a bowlful of blooper laughs! That Howie really gets it!” said Clint, a local horseback cavern tour guide, from Horse Cave, KY.

Another high bar that producers have set is for the part of the “briefcase beauty”. These women need to be up to Howie’s standards, as he is the main talent coordinator for this role.

“He pulled out his dingy at the first audition and I admired how genuine and sincere he was!” said current briefcase “number 13” beauty, Candy Tossgreen.

Energized with his renewed success, Howie Mandel closed his speech at last week’s ratings party with, “This time I’m puttin’ some money away! Just as soon as I buy back my yacht.” The crowd chuckled sympathetically.

DAY 298: Write a piece and make it sound as if it’s being written by a 10-year-old.

I was sitting in class thinking about how awesome it would be to draw a penis behind the overhead projector screen on the chalkboard. You know, so when the teacher comes in, barks at us about participles and then raises the screen…BAM! All laughter erupts and I’m still the king of 4th grade comedy. It did happen and the teacher, Mrs. King, who got me to start writing, actually laughed. She was my single favorite teacher and I cannot thank her enough for getting me into creative writing and to start using my imagination for good use.

DAY 297: Election Day is around the corner. Write about the process.

Ah election day is coming. Time for us saps to go vote, like it matters. Everyone knows that the Electoral College is what matters, and yet we head to the polls to get our stupid ass stickers. We learned back in the 2000 election that people with more money and higher power than us control the country, behind closed doors. Sure, I’m a conspirator, I still vote and I love the fucking USA, but it pisses me off knowing that we have our own personal American Bilderberg that run the country. We’re all just minions running around doing our “ant” work. Alright, so you can tell I’m frustrated today, but as long as I can go to a bar, watch my Browns every Sunday while eating a $6 pack of 10 wings and a $2 Bud heavy, I’m good to go. And as long as people like Palin don’t come into the picture again and scare me like she did in 2008, I’ll still vote and be fine. GO AMERICA! GO VOTE PEOPLE! Still have the freedom to do it and that’s something we can’t take for granted!

DAY 296: Go to a restaurant and write a review.

I am reviewing Domino’s Pizza. It tastes like shit. Those commercials are full of shit and the pizza still tastes like shit. It will never improve, because it will always taste like shit. I don’t know how people choose to order Domino’s. Can’t you just go to another pizza place that offers pizza that doesn’t taste like shit? Can’t people order something a little better than Domino’s? Maybe like a store bought pizza! I mean, Domino’s, stop advertising you guys are using “new” recipes and the ingredients are “fresh.” You don’t know what any of those words mean, so stop throwing them around aimlessly to generate more revenue. Your pizza looks like shit, smells pretty good (I mean because let’s be honest, it’s still pizza), and tastes like shit.

Note: I did not actually order Domino’s because I would kick my own fat face if I did.

DAY 295: Write a humorous review to the last serious book you read.

The last serious book I read was back in probably high school. Shit, I don’t remember. I only read self-help shit really. I mean who has time to just start reading to escape reality? I got too much shit to do! So I’m gonna review Alvin Schwartz’s “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark.” If you don’t remember it when you were a kid, check out the attached picture. Trust me, you do remember this.

I really enjoyed this book growing up. It definitely attributed to me being a pussy. Sure, I’ve always been a mama’s boy, but I mean this book probably dictated my path towards the non-mechanical shit in my life. My ole man and brother work with cars and love cars. I like dainty things and thunderstorms. They can change their own oil. I hate having pizza grease on my fingies. They say, “shit!” when something goes wrong. I say “eek!” They smash spiders with their fingers. I get scared outta my lil cute boots and run for the Raid. They’ll sleep outside without a blanket when camping. I check in at the HoJo because it’s a lil’ chilly chilly and I don’t wanna get sickies. They eat raw meat. I pick through the fatty parts with my lil’ fingy tips with a disgusted look (not really, but I gotta exaggerate a little…that’s what comedians do).

Oh yeah the book review! Uh, it’s…awesome. But it helped make me a pussy. It also helped generate my love even more for Halloween. So check it out, foo.

DAY 294: Rewrite a serious Shakespeare monologue so it’s both modern and funny.

From “A Comedy of Errors”

Have patience, sir; O! let it not be so;
Herein you war against your reputation,
And draw within the compass of suspect
The unviolated honour of your wife.
Once this,’your long experience of her wisdom,
Her sober virtue, years, and modesty,
Plead on her part some cause to you unknown;
And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
Why at this time the doors are made against you.
Be rul’d by me: depart in patience,
And let us to the Tiger all to dinner;
And about evening come yourself alone,
To know the reason of this strange restraint.

My Response:

Shut up ya dumb bitch. You’re driving like a moron! Now let’s get home so you can make me a sandwich.