DAY 301: Edit some of your older material.

Instead of editing old material, I want to rant about my “date night” experience last night. It started off really well. Jamie received a gift card to Circa downtown, and holy shit was it nice. I was outta my element. It’s experimental, fine dining and were we experimenting! I only ate duck once before then, had raw tuna and enjoyed a filet mignon that melted in my mouth like butter. And I ate a garnish made out of a flower. Awesome. And practically free! Then we had tickets last year off the radio to go see the Haunted Battleship (“Ghost Ship”) in Wilmington. Well we decided to use them last night, because they were set to expire on 12-31 and the Battleship was cancelled tonight because of Hurrciane Sandy. Plus, I was going to Halloween parties tonight. Here’s my email to the Director of the Battleship:

Hello,

We WON tickets on the radio for the Ghost Ship. We went to the Battleship Ghost Tour tonight at approx. 7:17 PM on Friday October 26th. They didn’t honor the promotional tickets at the Battleship. The overweight chick who took the tickets at the counter (“Rebecca”) said they were only good for “regular” tours. I said, “we won these tickets on the radio.” She said, “They are not the right ones”. I said, “uhhhh” confused…then asked, “how much is a ‘regular’ tour?” She said, “$12.” I asked how much was Ghost Ship? She said, “$10.” I said, “Well, I’m saving you $4!!!!!” She said, “Sorry sir. Your loss”
I am VERY disappointed in the lack of customer service and lack of communication between you and the radio show. And I am extremely disappointed with the way she handled our issue. What a let down!  I WILL NEVER BE BACK AND WILL CONTINUE TO EXPRESS MY DISAPPOINTMENT ON YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE. This is NOT how you conduct promotions. I mean, c’mon! We were lucky enough to even win the Ghost Ship tour! Now you say it’s my fault that the radio and you guys can’t get your stuff together!!!??!?!?!
Not impressed at all. I hope Panic Attack doesn’t treat us like this tomorrow night, because we’re gonna go PAY them for our business. Cheap. Very cheap.

Signed, Matt (will never take my visiting families here again either)

PS - I EXPECT A RESPONSE!

Then, I managed to find Rebecca on Facebook and messaged her this, before I blocked her:

Thanks for denying our battleship tickets that we won for the haunted ship tonite. No big deal for u though. Meanwhile my wife and I:

1. Haven’t seen each other cause of work for 1.25 months

2. Had a date night planned all month for tonite

3. had a gift certificate to Circa (which we cant afford usually) on top of the battleship tix so it was a free date nite

And…

4. My bday and favorite holiday is Halloween so it means a lot to me to convince her to watch a semi-scary movie with me, let alone GO TO A HAUNTED HOUSE! So for her to muster up enough will power to go to the Ghost Ship woulda been a perfect end to our date.

But your ability to “be the boss” won over our legit free tickets that I never win.

I know it’s a First World Problem, but ur the kind of person I’m glad I’m not friends with in life…causing unnecessary stress and anxiety in a time that’s already tough on all of us.

Oh well, u could give 2 squirts of pee. Later.

I know it’s a little exaggeration, and I know it’s still a non-profit. And I’m not trying to be Un-American. I’m as American and supportive of history as it gets. But Christ Almighty. Sometimes I get fired up! I’ll probably still be back to tour it sooner or later.The Man always wins. Maybe I’ll receive something free like Mark Harmon did for his class in Summer School?

DAY 164: Write a comedy bit about a summer experience.

So the summer’s coming! Yeah! I feel like we’re constantly in summer down here in the ILM.  It’s like living in LA.  No seasons!  Sure, we get a little chilly once in awhile between December and February, but it’s just long sleeve weather. It’s not like we’re pulling out the snow plows and loading the sand bags in the back of our trucks.  Down here, we complain during the summer.  Our summer is the northerner’s winter.  It’s the extreme.  Could you imagine living back in the Revolutionary days when they didn’t have AC?  People probably getting crazy ideas in their heads, getting all loopy and shit from the heat.  They start doing the weird stares while looking at other people, giving em cannibal looks.  Like “Mmm, this heat’s making me wanna nibble on some your face cheeks.” People are probably getting in fights over dumb shit like who has the better horseshoes on their horses or whose kite looks more patriotic.  Heat in the south is something you don’t fuck with.  However, the south has found a solution to this problem.  Just move slower.  Don’t work too too hard.  The pace down here makes a snail look like Tyson Gay and Oprah look like Speedy Gonzalez.  We like to just hang indoors and not ruffle too many feathers during the summer in NC.  And that’s the way us southerners like it.

DAY 51: Pick a bit from your premise file and fully develop it today.

DRIVING IN NORTH CAROLINA: God dammit, I hate people who drive like shit.  And North Carolina is notorious for shitty drivers.  You know what I don’t get? The written portion of the driver’s ed test in this state.  In North Carolina, you actually have to know parts of the car to pass the test.  “Oh, I failed the driver’s test because I didn’t know what side the carburetor is on” I once heard from someone, but you know what the moron next to me passed it and this person can’t drive even if they were given a god damn Xbox controller to move the car around.  I wanna run for office in North Carolina.  My first promise to the people is to change the laws of how you get your license.  Because I don’t want anymore fucking morons on the road. “NO NEW IDIOTS!”

Above is one of my randomest and strangest videos ever: Clams Casino.