DAY 149: Pick a bit that’s not up to speed and fix it.
Instead of the usual standup bit I was going to fix up, I decided to speed up a short sketch I wrote. Check it out:
JERRY ALLENS: Goin to Jerry Allens? It’s like Jesus, who died last night? The flies are the ones already sitting at the restaurant and we’re the ones who are invading their space when you’re there. It’s all sticky and shit. It’s like “ohhh, did you guys order the 50 cent wing deal with the fried fingers on the side?” “Aw, thanks for the ranch too, it goes great with this human tendon. Next time, I’m gonna try em broiled.” Cooks there are like “oh yeah we killed the guy last night…it’s a 2fer on the fried fingers…the unlucky pedestrian special.”
DIE AFTER THE WEEKEND: I wanna die on like a Monday or Tuesday. That way, you’re FRESH out the weekend and you don’t have to go through the entire work week. Cause if you died on like a Friday, then you would’ve wished you just went ahead with your original plan and I dunno killed yourself on “Hump Day”. Lets face it folks, you spend half your Friday at work and then your last half of Sunday worried about work. So basically you’re weekend’s shot. Which means you’ve officially arrived at your life being shot. So basically you need to be shot.
Here’s a joke I wrote a long time ago and had to dig deep to find it.
SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE: When you’re married, you cant cheat on your ole lady, so you look around at other girls when you’re out and visualize them naked. Then you go home and trying finding chicks on the internet that look like them. You find a porn with a chick that looks like those girls you saw earlier. You’re like “oh this chick at the bar kinda looks like Angelina Jolie”, so you start looking for pornstars that look like Angelina Jolie, but a little ghettoer because the girl at the bar didn’t quite look 100% Jolie…she was more 80% Jolie and 20% Flavor Flav.
SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE: Guys, let’s give it up for cheating! Yeah! C’mon! Alright! You fucking idiots. When you’re married, you cant cheat on your ole lady! You have to do what every good, honored, well-behaved and dedicated man does: you picture chicks naked. You sit there and stare at them wondering how crazy they might get in bed. You wonder if they have a nipple piercing. Then, then…you go home and you try to find chicks on the internet that look like the girl you saw earlier at the bar. More specifically, you find a porn that matches that broad. You’re like “oh this chick at the bar kinda looks like Angelina Jolie,” so you start Googling “Pornstars that look like Angelina Jolie”, but you find one that’s a little ghettoer, because the girl at the bar didn’t quite look 100% Jolie…she was more 80% Jolie and 20% Flavor Flav.
To keep with the theme, I decided to just post a vulgar video from the Dale Archdale series. Enjoy!