DAY 93: Write a speech for the current president that addresses the current issues—and make it funny, of course.

My fellow Americans.

What’s up wit dees crackers? I mean, how bout da way dey be votin for dees other cracker ass Repubs.  I mean, what, did you forget bout da previous 8 years my shit ain’t been in charge? It’s like dees honkeys go to bed and forget da dam neighbor’s drunk ass been pissing all over your hedges and now you invitin his ass ova fo sum god dam sweet tea? Nah, nah, nah.  Nah, man, nah, nah.  Dees crackers be crazy.  Look, I’m da head n**ger in charge and I be doin fine.  You Uncle Toms and crackers need to vote for my ass, cause we still fixin shit ya’ll done fuked up before me.  I’m out.

Microphone drop.  Crowd goes wild.