I am going to begin posting a series of sketches I wrote when I took the Second City Writing Lab back in my Los Angeles days. I will not be rewriting any of them, so sorry if my 2007 brain is either lamer or better than my current early 30’s brain. Also, I will not be editing it so it’s structured correctly, so sorry to all the screenwriters out there.
Assignment #1: Fish Out of Water Sketch
INT. SPACE MILITARY BASE – in a Far, Far Galaxy
A man, MATT YONKINYORK, awakens to the sound of beating drums. He has been tied up and it’s dark. Wait! It’s bright now! His blindfold has been removed. We now see 2 beautiful women standing above.
HOT GIRL #1: Good morning Mr. Matt.
HOT GIRL # 2 (overlapping Girl # 1): Good morning Mr. Matt.
MATT: Well hello. What up with you? (beat) Where the hell…
Immediately, gates open and we now see that Matt is inside some sort of spacecraft, bound to the bed. The women begin untying Matt as a team of men enter all wearing military garments (and rifles) and leading 2 different men in the back that stand out. One is a general and the other is his bitch, the Proctor of Police Academy.
GENERAL TSO: Ahhh, good you’re awake Matthew. I take it you have been getting acquainted with the pleasantries of our starship. The help – and I’m assuming you’ve already been…helped.
The team of hot girls begin laughing as they are continuing to untie Matt and as he struggles to cover up his woody (not poking through, just pushing pants up).
MATT: Da fuck is going on?
GENERAL TSO: We picked you up outside the Boolean Galaxy some 4 quattors away.
MATT: Boolean Galaxy? And what the fuck is a quattor? Is this a dream? Am I on a Fox reality show? Is this Candid Camera? Must be a VH1 project.
GENERAL TSO: You are certainly a different breed of human, aren’t you? Are you apart of the Nebaholix or Serasurso tree?
MATT: Well which one’s more Irish? Wait! I always do that. I lose focus! Get it together! Get it together! Where am I?
General Tso claps his hands to the beat of “HEY MICKEY” and the girls immediately run out of the room.
GENERAL TSO: There will be a time for all of your questions. But now, we must prepare for feasting.
As General Tso exits and closes the 2 doors by pulling them shut and staring at Matt with an evil smile and Matt notice and gasps at the very end.
MATT: What kind of party was that last night?
We immediately hear alarms begin to blaze aloud. We hear a Voice of a woman come over the PA stating “Please evacuate immediately. This is not a test.” We begin to hear chaos outside of people walking by. Matt anxiously gets up and opens the door to see what’s going on. We see people, robots and droids quickly trying to hold onto loved ones and scurry down the hall, past Matt’s door. We also see some military men approaching and checking each of the rooms. That is Matt’s cue to start moving. So he immediately closes the door behind him and starts to think quick.
MATT: OK…OK…OK…OK…where is there an opening in this place? An opening. An open—NING!
Matt scurries to find a way out. He then luckily comes across a little ventilation. He jaws off the cover, situates himself a little, puts the cover back on, and climbs through. We begin to hear gunshots and screaming as well and this is now where Matt realizes he isn’t fucking around. Matt climbs around to a spot where he has a view of what’s happening. It appears that there are other marked military personnel saturating the walls of the military base. More and more ships keep landing on the base and more military appear with weapons. Fighting is taking place. THEN! Gunshots come spraying in Matt’s direction. He realizes that some alien looking motherfucker just noticed him, so he makes a quick duck back into the ventilation and keeps moving. Matt then hears over the PA.
PA: Intruders in the vents! Repeat! Intruders in the vents!
Finally there is a way out and Matt sees the light at the end. He jumps out of the vent and onto the ground.
Matt seems to have jumped onto someone. We see the man come from under the covers that made him blend into the environment.
MATT: I’m sorry! I didn’t see you.
FROFRO: Oh! Thank god you’re here! Have you come for all of us?
MATT: Huh? Come for all of us? Who’s us? Who do you think I am?
FROFRO: Well aren’t you a keymaster?
MATT: What is this, fucking Ghostbusters?
FROFRO: Aren’t you here to save mankind? To save all of us?
MATT: Save mankind? From who? WHERE AM I!!!!????!
FROFRO: You’re on a slave base. We’re all slaves here. And you must save us from him. The man who started all this…
FROFRO: Matt Yonkinyork.
MATT: Do you guys have any space beer?