DAY 236: Write a comedy bit that’s purely physical.

8 AM - Alarm sounds. Slam it. Up already in my outfit.

Cut to:

8:13 AM - Car screeches up, buddy jumps in, screeches out.

Cut to:

8:21 AM - Car screeches to stop. Trunk opens. Poker chip looking suitcase is pulled out. Trunk closes.

Cut to:

8:27 AM - Suitcase opens. Wrench looking device is pulled out. Head nod from me. Head nod from buddy. Hand is tweaking an LED Sign with the wrench.

Cut to:

8:33 AM - Head nod from me. Head nod from buddy. Hand puts wrench away. Suitcase closes. Scurry away.

Cut to:

8:39 AM - Car screeches away. High fives. Buddy tells me to go “this way.”

Cut to:

8:43 AM - Car pulls up to LED sign. It reads “Welcome College Grad Families! Your daughter had sex last night”.

DAY 235: Analyze a comic you haven’t seen before. What does he or she do right that you’d like to try in your writing?

I’ve decided to do Jim Breuer, because let’s be honest, he’s fucking hilarious. I’ve never seen him live, so I’m gonna use him. Let’s do his infamous “Alcohol” bit.

1. I love his crazy sound effects and dialects.
2. It’s best when he acts like the guy questioning himself out loud - “I don’t know what happened tonight.” - I enjoy acting as if also. Talking like how you think they might have talked in that situation. He does it again when he goes “he’s here man” when he’s acting like Beer.
3. I like how he imitates each of the alcohols.
4. When he says “what’s up” and “he’s crazy man”, it’s hilarious because he talks how I do. He reminds me also of my brother and how my bro talks.
5. Stomach if funny too. As the bouncer. All throughout. Especially when he goes “I had it up to here now.”
6. I like how he compares it to how a real party is - “People find out about the party”, “Not knowing each other, that creates tension.”
7. Heineken vs Scotch is an awesome premise.
8. Saki is the best accent.
9. Tequila stereotypes is on point.  I like the Tony Montana influence. I love the leg thing where they all sneak under his legs. But when he starts mimicking the Mexican music and them shooting off guns, I lost it.
10. Stomach kicking everyone out is a great ending.

DAY 205: Take a bit and make it shorter.

Former:

SENSITIVITY - One of the things I’m most sensitive about is shitty commercials and shitty actors. I hate when I’m in a crowd of people and they’re like “what’s that chick’s name on the Progressive commercials?” and in my head I’m like “Fukin Flo, that dumb broad” and everyone in the group is like “Oh, oh, oh, what’s her name?! I can’t remember, but she’s such a ham! She’s so quirky and funny” and in my head I’m like “Really, really!? C’mooooon.” It just gets my blood pressure going.  But I choose to sit there and not say anything even if I know the answer’s Flo.  I choose to watch them all pull out their iPhones and start Safaring that shit.  Same goes with bad actors.  “Oh, I think that fat kid who got skinny who was in Moneyball is funny” or “That Drew Barrymore is one of my favorites.”  DA FUK? First off, again, I ain’t tellin ya who the fat Jewish kid is and secondly, I am not going to go on one of my tangents about Barrymore where I start saying “thanks daddy, thanks grampa” because then I look like the Debbie Downer and party pooper who wants to get confrontational about how lucky and yet untalented she really is. It drives me CRAZY!  I swear I get anxiety when I watch anything on Bravo or when I see that stupid ass Canadian model who can’t act her way out of a nutsack (T-Mobile pinky).  I gotta admit, I’m passionate about this shit and it is one of the many factors in the world that gets me “up here!” but I know how the background and pre-production shit works and it makes me mad that we have genius shows like Seinfeld that work tirelessly at making it good.  Making it so good that you’re like “god dam, you gotta be Canadian NOT to like that show!”  Talent reigns.  People like Larry Charles rule.  Because they get it.  That’s all I ask.  If you get to the level like a Barrymore where you’re held to a higher standard and you’re on the world’s platform, than you should get it.  And I doubt anyone who goes on Letterman and says “yeah, the movie is real magical” just doesn’t have a clue.  Here Drew, here’s an 1804 Silver Dollar…go buy a fucking clue.

Latter:

SENSITIVITY - I hate Flo from Progressive. I hate it more when people don’t know her name and are asking around about it when there’s a small group of us and in my head I know, but don’t wanna say anything. Just to spite her. I just act like I can’t remember her either. Same goes with any of these Hollywood dingbats. If I know a person’s name, but don’t like them, I act the part of not knowing. Then, when they do praise these people, I start attacking. Barking with verbal assault. I don’t know why I get so excited?

Eh, the original’s better.

DAY 185: Write a comedy piece that relies heavily on visuals.

My wife told me to “go eat some maggots, smear shit on my face and go to hell in a hand basket.”  I said, “OK, but can I get the basket off Amazon? Walmart hasn’t had any good deals lately.”

Sour grapes are the ones you drop down the drain when you’re trying to wash the bunch.

Wah, wah, waaaaaaaaahhhhhh.

DAY 177: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

Today’s word is Scientific Planning.  I wanted to write about whatever is it you call the planning behind fast food restaurant music selection.  There’s a science behind the selections.  I wanted to write about something related to how fast food places, like Chipotle, play real fast music. This causes the patron to eat faster so you can get the fuck out.  Then those fancy restaurants will play slow music, so you eat at a slower pace and end up buying more booze. Anyways, I always spend way too much on any food at any place playing any music, so screw em all.

DAY 172: Fix the grammar in your written material.

Doun. Thaut shiet b ez yo.

DAY 171: Edit some of your older material.

Former:

PLANNING AHEAD - Nowadays, you gotta plan everything. “Yeah, let’s get together.” “Sure, yeah”. Oh OK. Unless you put it in your calendar, it ain’t gonna happen. You gotta plan everything in life. Especially eating. I plan all my meals out for the week. What, I gotta go spend $50 at the Teeter for fruits and vegetables and you’re like “crap, I gotta eat this shit now. They’re gonna go bad in 3 days.” You end up eatin more than you usually should just to keep up with the expiration dates are coming up fast.  Vegetables keep you on your feet. “Babe, we’re eating asparagus tuesday. Use those avocados for some guac on Wednesday, we’re doing zucchini squares on friday.” I’m like can I put this flounder on top of my milkshake as a garnish?  What do these 2 do together? (show me mashing my fists together). I set my fridge up like a god dam triage unit…(EXPAND ON THIS)…

Latter:

PLANNING AHEAD - Nowadays, you gotta plan everything. “Yeah, let’s get together.” “Sure, yeah”. Oh OK. Unless you put it in your calendar, it ain’t gonna happen. You gotta plan everything in life. Especially eating. I plan all my meals out for the week. What, I gotta go spend $50 at the Teeter for fruits and vegetables and you’re like “crap, I gotta eat this shit now. They’re gonna go bad in 3 days.” You end up eatin more than you usually should just to keep up with the expiration dates are coming up fast.  Vegetables keep you on your feet. “Babe, we’re eating asparagus Tuesday. Use those avocados for some guac on Wednesday, we’re doing zucchini squares on Friday.” I’m like “Can I put this flounder on top of my milkshake as a garnish?  What do these two do together?” (show me mashing my fists together). I set my fridge up like a god dam triage unit.  “Get the watermelon out stat! We’ve got a mushy exterior and it ain’t gonna make it past 3:00!”  After we cut it up, we’re adding beef tips to it to make margaritas! I can’t have our food going bad.  You feel defeated when you’re throwing out the milk.  It’s like having a rare Shoeless Joe rookie card, putting it on your spoke, ripping it and failing at your kids’ college fund. No one needs this anxiety.  So thanks Harris Teeter, for making another worry in my life.  The life of a fresh food fanatic.

DAY 165: The Fourth of July is three weeks away! Write jokes about it today.

JULY 4TH - God I love America.  Let’s give it up for AMERICA! Yeah! I love celebrating our birthday. Aren’t we the rich obnoxious kid to the world? Right, like when we go to one of our neighbor’s kid’s birthdays and the kids an asshole.  That’s US! We’re the asshole kid to the world.  The kid’s sitting there at the table whining for more cake, as he smears his ice cream all over the Asian kid. Next thing you know, he’s taking his squirt gun and shooting all the old people with it, while he steals shit out of their purse.  Just an asshole.  But don’t try to reprimand him or else his parent’s will snap.  Now you’re in trouble with The Man. Suggest that the kid tries to eat healthier or not waste food? Yeah right, you’ll get a slingshot to the nads. Maybe tell the parents that the kid shouldn’t hit the other kids? Yeah OK.  Don’t try to borrow anything from them ever again. And you might just have to return the leaf blower now too.  Maybe tell them that they should put the kid in some classes or give him some meds so he won’t act like such a fucking idiot around the other kids and thus won’t cause the other kids to act like fucking idiots too?  Oh hell no he didn’t.  Now it’s on.  A full blown war of the neighbors.  Now it’s all awkward when we’re forced to hang out at the roundtable during the block party.  Now it’s all awkward when we wanna have them water our plants when we go out of town.  Now it’s all awkward when we use their slip-n-slide.  Shit, where was I going? Are we still talking about America? Somewhere in there, I guess.

DAY 160: Rework an old bit you want to work better.

Former:

1940’s STANDUP - Imitate a 1940’s standup comedian talking about “So I heard prohibition over.  I think all women belong behind a Singer. Sew, bitch, sew!”

Latter:

1940’s STANDUP - I wonder what it was like to be a performer back in the 1940s. I doubt they had as many dick jokes, but I do think they still had been crass.  Back then, minorities and women got as much respect as your best friend’s dog, Dingleberry. I bet their was some guy who loved ripping of women’s rights after the men came back from dubya, dubya, two. He was probably like (imitate 1940’s gangsta voice) “So, let’s give it up for the troops coming back from Europe.  Looks like now the women are gonna have to stop playing baseball and start sewing my shirt holes again. I think women belong behind a Singer.  That way, when I come whistling dixie, she’ll know I ain’t talking about the rip in my crotch or the song.”

DAY 151: Write about something you’ve never written about before.

Former:

MT. OLIVE COLLEGE - (add in relish somewhere) Mount Olive’s right down the street. Yeah, let’s give it up for the over salted pickles!  Yeah! Let’s just salt the shit outta these things. Yeah ya gotta get Mt Olive pickles, cause you know they’re not Vlasic.  And eatin Vlasic’s too mainstream!  Can’t go with the frontrunner, nahh.  How bout the college they got.  Mt. Olive college.  Oh, I got pickling 101 this semester, that’ll be a breeze.  Oh that’s great, cause I got vinegars of the world 407…that’s gonna be rough.  Oh, I wonder where we’ll learn “how not to have any sales ever on our pickles”.  Canning and jarring 407 will be pretty easy.  Cucumber growing.  Whole vs bite sized: The ongoing battle.  Pitted vs unpitted olives.  Black vs green olives and the crazy mixup that once was.  (Add in more shit about the supermarket too).

Latter:

MT. OLIVE COLLEGE - Mount Olive’s right down the street. Yeah, let’s give it up for the over salted pickles!  Yeah! Let’s just salt the shit outta these things, cause that’s all we want! SALT! “Yeah ya gotta get Mt Olive pickles, cause you know they’re not Vlasic.  And eatin Vlasic’s too mainstream bro!  Can’t go with the frontrunner.” Mlaaaahhhh.  How bout the college they got.  Mt. Olive College.  “Oh, I got pickling 101 this semester, that’ll be a breeze.”  “You’re lucky, I got vinegars of the world 407…that’s gonna be rough.”  Oh, I wonder where we’ll learn “how not to have any sales ever on our pickles”.  Are you kiddin me? “Yeah ma, I got psychology this semester.  The psychology behind canning and jarring 407…will be pretty easy.”  You got extra credits to do some cucumber growing in your dorm.  “What’s your thesis on bud?” “Whole vs bite sized: The ongoing battle.”  “That’s cool.  I went with pitted and unpitted, the black vs green olives mixup that once was.” I’ll tell ya.  You got professors dissecting fucking relish bits.

DAY 145: Father’s Day is about three weeks away! Start fixing up this material now.

My ole man is awesome.  He’s such a character.  I enjoy living close to him these days and being able to hang out with him and golf once a month, at least.  I love going to places with him where there’s a small issue with something and watching him get riled up. I’ll be like “sorry, my dad hates when you run out of cocktail sauce, as you can tell” or “sorry, my dad likes the spot right next to the entrance, and you were in his way.”  He’ll also say these little gems that you have to catch about day-to-day life.  He loves rippin on morons, as do I.  He also loves baggin on bad sports, as do I.  He enjoys getting fired up over shitty commercials, shows and movies, as do I.  Come to think about it, I would actually consider myself a Jr. Bob.  I feel like I’ve adapted all my mannerisms and behavioral patterns from my dad.  I get overheated at the drop of a dime, I hate when it’s cart path only and I can’t stand cop shows where a broad is pulling out a gun. With all that being said, I’m gonna work on some good bits about my ole man, because I think the world would enjoy his humor as I’ve come to do.  More about this coming soon enough.

Also, above is a video featuring my ole man watching our favorite Ohio State Buckeyes play the Michigan Wolverines.  This is where I get my sports passion from, FYI.

DAY 127: Memorial Day is about three weeks away! Start writing summer material now.

LAYERS OF SWEAT - Summer time’s here! Nice! I get to sweat just by waking up too quickly.  I hate how we get the layers of sweat.  The initial layer is right when you get outta shower if you live in NC.  As soon as you dry off, you’re sweaty from…drying off.  Then the 2nd layer kicks in.  This is when you go grocery shopping.  The 3rd layer is when you’re taking the groceries upstairs. Now this is when you’re starting to feel nice and thick.  We got the 4th layer.  This happens after you have your first 3 beers of the night.  This is the warm and cozy sweat, where you’re so sweaty, that you don’t even mind it anymore.  For the vegans in the audience, this is the sweat layer you have after you’ve cooled down from your 5K.  Then the final layer, the 5th layer, is when you know it’s time to shower.  This is the layer you feel when you wake up from passing out from the beers.  This is the best layer because this is the one that reminds me of how much I need to get my life in order and thus, causes me to now want to drink for the rest of the week.

DAY 115: Look out your window. Write something funny about the first thing you see.

The first thing I see out of my window is my apartment.  I’m 31 and still don’t have a house.  Now I know it’s somewhat common in this economy, but as Jay Z puts it “being broke is childish and I’m quite grown.”  Jigga Man knows.  I feel defeated often because of where I am right now in my life, but at the same time, it’s been really promising lately. Obviously, when I look out my window, I see my piece of shit truck and it reminds me of my pauper bank account.  I see the squirrel who’s probably laughing at me for continuing to pursue my dream, but the damn squirrel is grey and black so what the hell does he know?  Maybe if it were a normal brown squirrel laughing in my face, it would hurt more.  I see some older folks in my apartment and wonder “will I be living here when I’m that age?”  But then I think, at least I didn’t lose $50K on a house I bought in the mid 00s and has since put me in the poor house like a friend of mine.  I think, it’s OK I still live as a renter.  Times are tough for everyone, so stop whining ya little bitch and get away from the window.

105: Write a bit from a child’s perspective.

Instead of an actual bit, I wanna write a list you see in viral emails pertaining to your youth.

10 THINGS YOU REMEMBER IF YOU WERE BORN IN 1980

1. You purposely tried to kill off your settlers in “Oregon Trail” on the Apple IIe, along with killing as much cattle as you could.

2. You remember how awkward it was to try to dance to Nirvana’s cover of “Lake of Fire” at the 7th grade mixer.

3. You created very colorful and wonderous penises using Lite-Brite.

4. Killer Clowns from Outer Space were the best special effects you’d ever seen up to that point.

5. You wished Spuds MacKenzie was your actual dog.

6. Saturday morning cartoons actually existed and the morning ended with Saved By the Bell at 11.

7. You remember eating Big Mixx cereal, loved it, and hated when they discontinued it.

8. You took your mini Mask figures and put them under your school desk to see how much worse you could fuck them up over your friends’ Mask figures.

9. The nerds were actually only cool, for at most 3 days, when they got the new Casio calculator watch.

10. Disposable cameras was a treat and you had to monitor how many and what type of pictures you were going to take.

DAY 82: Analyze a comedy writer you haven’t read before. What does he or she do right that you’d like to try?

I decided to go again with one of my favorite comedians, Kevin James.  And lack of time today prevented my from analyzing one of his longer bits.  But I still took one of the funniest segments in his Comedy Central Presents show “Sweat the Small Stuff.” It involves him being overweight and not having a reason to sweat.  I am a louder and bigger comic similar to him, so I try to emulate his energy if I can because he does it so well.I especially like when he becomes more subtle after his friends call him out during the joke.  I think he’s great at finding balance between being loud and being subtle throughout his performance.

For those in Wilmington, please come see my show on Sunday March 25th @ 8:00 PM at Bottega Art & Wine in downtown Wilmington.