DAY 285: Write something funny about Halloween.

I love Halloween. Being an October birthday, it’s my favorite time of year. Haunted houses, football, changing colors of the leaves…all of it. I always used to watch Jasons (Friday the 13th for the ignorant) growing up and I remember one time watching it with my 2 buddies. And each time we saw Jason on the screen, we told each other out loud that he was getting closer and closer to us. Well at one point it ended up where the very next time we saw him, it meant he would be in my bedroom! Needless to say, we saw Jason on the screen and bam! My mom walks in! We freaked the fuck out! But that’s not as funny as another time my mom got the last laugh. Every October I would have a giant sleepover with my buddies to celebrate my bday. I mentioned this before, but my parents would pick everyone up individually in our van, and drive us to a haunted house. Meanwhile, we would stink up the van, competing for who made the loudest or rankest fart. One time we were in my family room, watching our annual horror movie, and my friend Doug started noticing something outside. A sound. Something like a pebble being thrown at the window.  We all started hearing it and starting being suspect. He kept rocking in the chair until finally he goes, “guys, what the fuck is that!” We look over and see a skeleton mask peeping through the window. Ten 12-year old boys storm out of the living room as if it’s a booby-comparing slumber party. I mean, we all played football! We were men! Hahaha, fuck no! We raced outta there, screaming like little bitches. I went back over to see that it was my mom, wearing a hologram skeleton mask we had. The glare from the lights inside made it shine, along with the fact that it was a glow-in-the-dark version. Holy hell did we all look like girls…and we heard about it too from my parents for years to come. Even the next morning at breakfast we were getting teased. Halloween is so special to me and this is my favorite time of the year.

DAY 182: Reedit some of your older material.

Former:

DROPPING CUBES - I feel like the deformed Fratelli brother, in the Goonies whenever I drop an ice cube out of the freezer and it cracks in half! I’m like “GRRRRRRR!”

Latter:

DROPPING CUBES -I feel like the deformed Fratelli brother, in the Goonies whenever I drop an ice cube out of the freezer and it cracks in half! I’m like “GRRRRRRR!” In the summer down south, ice is a commodity.  Shit’s as expensive as a gallon of milk. I hate it because our water is naturally hot out of the faucet down here in the summer, so it’s like super slow motion, twixtor shit when the ice is falling. I feel like I’m a fire crotch trying to catch melanoma. I’m like “nooooooo” (imitate slow motion and go after the cube) as I make a diving catch in centerfield for the ice.

DAY 49: Edit some of your older material.

Here’s a joke I wrote a long time ago and had to dig deep to find it.

Former:

SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE: When you’re married, you cant cheat on your ole lady, so you look around at other girls when you’re out and visualize them naked.  Then you go home and trying finding chicks on the internet that look like them.  You find a porn with a chick that looks like those girls you saw earlier. You’re like “oh this chick at the bar kinda looks like Angelina Jolie”, so you start looking for pornstars that look like Angelina Jolie, but a little ghettoer because the girl at the bar didn’t quite look 100% Jolie…she was more 80% Jolie and 20% Flavor Flav.

Latter:

SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE: Guys, let’s give it up for cheating! Yeah! C’mon! Alright! You fucking idiots.  When you’re married, you cant cheat on your ole lady! You have to do what every good, honored, well-behaved and dedicated man does: you picture chicks naked.  You sit there and stare at them wondering how crazy they might get in bed.  You wonder if they have a nipple piercing.  Then, then…you go home and you try to find chicks on the internet that look like the girl you saw earlier at the bar.  More specifically, you find a porn that matches that broad. You’re like “oh this chick at the bar kinda looks like Angelina Jolie,” so you start Googling “Pornstars that look like Angelina Jolie”, but you find one that’s a little ghettoer, because the girl at the bar didn’t quite look 100% Jolie…she was more 80% Jolie and 20% Flavor Flav.

To keep with the theme, I decided to just post a vulgar video from the Dale Archdale series.  Enjoy!

DAY 35: Organize the funny articles you’ve read.

Yet another organizing task. For that, another caption pic. I’m loving these lately, huh?