DAY 361: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

For maybe my final vocabulary thinger, I’m pickin quandary. It means uncertainty. Like this blog. My friends don’t even read it. Besides my parents (thanks ma!), anyone else out there?

Shit mayne…dag gone ba donger ding. (beat) I don’t know if I’m gonna take the challenge and repeat this again in 2013. I’m trying to cut back, like the number of fantasy leagues next year. Like on other shit besides the important shit: Archdale - production/post-production (including researching distribution/prepping for film festival submissions - media kit, financing), finishing 3 scripts, maybe some improv classes (consistent this time! all 6 weeks in a row? can it be done), put on the Hitman play (Kilby collaboration) in the fall/winter, start organizing my writing kit to send out to lit agents in 2014, including finishing the TV pilot and spec script for the kit.  But most importantly…MJW Careers. I can’t wait to just dive in all day on that!

Cheers to making it a good 2013!

DAY 359: Free associate on what’s going on in your life right now.

Well it’s the year end and that means, no NFL playoffs to look forward to. I wanna rant as my year end free association. Rant about the Cleveland Browns year.

1. Josh Cribbs - you’re like the Moe Williams of football. When you should call for a fair catch you don’t, when he shoud’nt, you do!

2. Trent Richardson - “Hey TRich, Cleveland loves ya bro,” just don’t salute anymore after you score. You’re not in the Armed Forces. Trust me, we will back you forever anyway…just thinking out loud.

3. WRs - Josh Gordon. You’re cool. Ahem. That is all.

4. LBs - everyone can go away except DJ.

5. CBs - get your shit together. Haden is legit. Anyone else you must acquit. And get rid of them.

6. Sheldon Brown - move to safety and back up Usama already. You’re too old to play corners.

7. Brandon Weeden - eh. Eh. EH. EH! GO AWAY!

8. Pat Shurmur - you’re no motivator. And you’re not smart. Please Sean Payton. PLEASE!

9. Jimmy Haslam - we like you. You spend money. You spend money, we win. We win, we happy.

10. Finally, the whole team - you’re young. We’re dealing with you, as usual. But, we happened to enjoy dealing with you a little better this year. Still sucks. But, we have…hope? (oh yeah…as usual)

DAY 341: Edit some of your older material.

Here is an edited scene from a pilot I’m developing about the HR recruiting world. Fuk format!

INT - MANUFACTURING FACILITY - DAY

HOT SALES GIRL (25) walks into plant. Pan from left to right with all those different boxes across the screen popping up 2 at a time until whole screen is filled w/ 8 boxes (so the screen begins black and lights up as she walks past…each box represents another disaster from MALE WORKERS watching her walk through.)

BOX 1: Guy on towmotor crashing into wall.

BOX 2: Welders lifting hat up and welding sparks getting on face and eyes.

BOX 3: Guy dropping heavy hand tool on foot and wearing no steel toes—-make it known that the company doesn’t provide steel toes or hard hats due to expenses cutbacks.

BOX 4/BOX 5: Guy drops box from top area and it falls on Guy below who isn’t wearing hard hat.

BOX 6: Guy turning blue because of material handling chemicals, because he took off his respirator mask to see lady.

BOX 7: Guy falling off ladder.

BOX 8: 2 Guys running into each other and papers going everywhere.

CUT TO:

INT. BOSS’ OFFICE

Hot Sales Girl is meeting with BOSS (55). Hot Sales Girl is blabbing and cue his narrative in his mind of what he’s thinking.

Boss: Man, I wanna get some of that.

Closeup of upper sweating lip and eyebrows. He puckers and licks his lips; tugs his balls; rubs his sweat off; starts bobbing his head; grinding teeth and then more grinding teeth; starts making donkey noises out loud.

FIREMAN (45) enters room and extinguishes him off, hosing him off with extinguisher foam.

DAY 335: Write about the worst winter in your life.

The worst winter of my life was the one between 1980 and 2006 in Cleveland.

DAY 330: Check your writing for inconsistencies, and fix them. Stick to the topics. Are your subjects clear in your bits?

Yes. Now onto more important things. Like the Browns. I enjoyed the win versus the Shitsburgh Fuckheads, but still….C’mon guys! They had 8 turnovers and we only get 20 points outta it! The Browns CANNOT FINISH! You know what happens in high school when a team can’t finish? They run em! Run em and keep running em. Make it so the team is a 4th quarter dominating powerhouse. That’s what we did in high school and our team wins State Championships hand over fist. We ran and ran and ran. That’s what these Browns need: some stamina. Some fight at the end of the game. So will to want to finish strong and win. Run em. And keep running em until they win. The X’s and O’s will be after the 3 hour run session.

DAY 324: Edit some of your older material.

The freshest scene from new Dale Archdale feature film from my writing partner and I. Don’t worry about formatting as it doesn’t matter on a blog.

INT. 10TH ANNUAL FIGURE 8 ISLAND CHILI COOK OFF CENTER - DAY

Adam Richman is signing copies of his latest book. A busty woman leans over his table. He signs her tits. Dale approaches him.

DALE: Richman! Listen up! You’re gonna get Tori her job back!

Richman continues to sign books. He does not look at Dale.

ADAM RICHMAN: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.

DALE: That ass wipe Lipman got her fired for no reason!

Richman signs another book and hands it to a fan.

ADAM RICHMAN: Sorry buddy not my problem.

Dale starts to walk away but stops and looks back at Richman.

DALE: I bet you couldn’t get her job back even if you wanted to. You’re just Lipman’s patsy.

Richman stops writing.

ADAM RICHMAN: Of course I could get her job back.

He turns and looks at Dale.

ADAM RICHMAN: I’m Adam Fucking Richman.

He finishes signing another book and hands it to an attractive female.

ADAM RICHMAN: The problem is that I have no desire to help your friend.

Dale looks over at a poster of Richman eating a huge burger.

DALE: How about this. If I beat you in the Hillbilly Burger Challenge you have to get Tori her job back. Unless you’re too scared!

ADAM RICHMAN: Adam Richman fears no food. Except footlong hotdogs. They make me feel uncomfortable. What do I get when I win?

Dale pulls out his wallet. He opens it up but it is empty. Richman looks at Dale’s truck parked outside.

ADAM RICHMAN: That your truck?

Dale nods.

ADAM RICHMAN: You beat me I’ll get your little girlfriend her job back, but if I win I get your truck.

Dale looks at his truck. He sighs.

DALE: You got yourself a deal.

DAY 315: Expand your vocabulary. Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

Today’s word is propulsion. It means momentum or progress and that’s how I feel about our small production company. I have 4 other guys that are so fuckin passionate about film and creating, that it makes me smile thinking of all the shit we’ll accomplish together. Now at first, with 5 heads, it was tough to agree and come together all at once. We definitely had different visions for our Vision Breeze Productions company. However, as of recently, things took a nice turn and it’s starting to clear up. We are all committed again and feeling 100% assurance over the direction we decided to take the company. Not only that, in a night out of brainstorming over some $1.75 PBRs, we realized more avenues we can pursue to capitalize on our plan even more. It’s exciting and the fire is spreading more than ever since we started together back in July. Stay tuned for more notices as we continue to grow. And if your band wants a music video or a promo video or a live taping, contact me (216) 246-9900.

DAY 314: Reedit some of your older material.

Here’s a scene from the upcoming Dale Archdale feature. Edited of course and formatting is crappy because it’s a damn blog.

INT. RICK’S ROOM - SAME

Rick is sitting back in a computer chair masturbating to women’s tennis. His pants are around his ankles.

DALE (O.S.): Rick!

Dale busts in the room. Rick falls out of his chair.

DALE: Jesus Christ Rick!

Rick frantically gets up and pulls his pants back up around his waist.

RICK: Dammit Dale, I’m lonely.

DALE: I’d say so! You’re jerkin it to the Williams sisters.

Rick fastens his belt and sits on the edge of his bed.

RICK: I get turned on by them sounds they make when they serve the ball. Plus you know I got the jungle fever.

Dale shakes his head.

DALE: Whatever. I found a way we can save the trailer park.

DAY 307: Free associate on what’s going on in your life right now.

OH, ABOUT BROWNS LOSING SEASON AGAIN - It’s why we’re blessed as Cleveland fans. We might not win, but at least I only have one city across the board of all sports whom I favor. No fairweather fans in Cleveland and no “oh, I like Duke, the Cowboys, the Lakers, the Yankees…” — SHUT THE FUCK UP! We Clevelanders deal with our blows and we’re one for all. I kinda like bagging on NC fans and how they are down here. I can’t tell you how many people I know who like a melting pot of teams. I do understand - half of them didn’t grow up with the exposure to one bag of teams like I did. But it still makes me laugh when they argue sports. It’s nice to have an identity.

DAY 291: Write a fan letter.

Dear Jimmy Haslam, new Owner of the Cleveland Browns,

Thank you much for your optimism. Having spent $1B for our team, I have a strong feeling that you don’t fuck around. Up until this point in my life, I have witnessed some strong football in Cleveland dating back to the Bernie “Schnapps” Kosar era. Sure, we were the team to beat back then. But some horsefaced clamshit Bronco decided that Denver needed the wins more than a blue-collared city like Cleveland. Then I went onto witness our team pull together a winning combination of a coaching staff led by the great Bill Belichick, only to see those chances fade away with a Two Men and a Truck truck full of Builder’s Square boxes marked with Baltimore across the sides. Then came the fun part. The Lerner era. Boy were we stupid in Cleveland. We tore down a stadium that had character. It had grit. For what? A brand new stadium that had the ends of the barrel keg beer from Columbus’ Budweiser plant that shipped out every Sunday morning and a rent-a-cop who yelled at us for cheering to loud.  Boy oh boy.  Fast forward to a losing record of 68-140 since our “rebirth” in 1999, and all that was accomplished by our owner and his punk-ass son (who, as you know, inherited daddy’s team) was a Golden Palm Star and a losing English Premier Soccer team respectively, and we arrive here, with you. High hopes as usual for us fans. We will be holding you accountable, as we always do in the past. And sure, you’ll have some guys who might show up again for a game, because we ousted our crappy owner. But you’ll still have guys like my brother. Guys who have witnesses victorious seasons first hand. Guys who have spent money on countless games just to witness us come up short, time after time. Guys like my dad who witnessed Jim Brown scamper all over the NFL in our original heydays. Guys who you will have to “win” back. How? Just win. Restore the pride and tradition in our team. Restore the pride and tradition back into Cleveland. We had in once with some asshole who could dunk a ball, pretty well I might add. But that’s the Cavs. In Cleveland, we want to see the Browns form the line of victory. So my only advice is channeled from the elder, archetypal fans like my dad and brother…just win.

And don’t worry, the rest of us dingbats and boneheads will still come out and spend money on overpriced swag with player’s names that won’t even be around next year and $11 flat Bud heavies. Why? Because that’s what we do in Cleveland. We hope.

PS - If you beat the Steelers twice every year, we’ll stick with ya for awhile. Man I woulda loved to be the guy who got to pull the plug on Art Rooney.

DAY 281: Write a bit about a topic you heard discussed in the news, on TV, or among friends. Keep it personal.

Today’s big controversial news story (in my world, anyway) is about the Kansas City Chief’s QB Matt Cassel getting knocked the fuk out and all of the KC fans cheering because of it. Now all the pundits are like “that ain’t right, blah, blah, freaking blah.” I say, “who cares!” We, as fans, are constantly irritated by poor performances, especially by a QB. This guy makes over $5M a year to throw a football and when he sucks at it (9/15 for 92 yards and 2 picks for a whopping 38.1 QB Rating), the fans are gonna react to it. Now, if they were to find out he became paralyzed or something crazy, they would feel bad about it. But a mild concussion? Shit man, that $5M a year includes at least 2 concussions a year, so I don’t feel bad. I’ve jeered and celebrated Derrick Anderson when he got hurt for us a few years back and I loved every minute of him hobbling off with 2 trainers. The bum! Fuk him! Players come and go, but us fans have to deal with all the shit for years to come. I mean Cassel’s got 9 INTs through 5 games! If I were an employee at a company and performed that shitty, I’d be out on my ass. But he gets to keep making over $5M a year, and we’re not allowed to get excited when FINALLY he comes out of the game. I mean Romeo Crennel is a wimp and he ain’t gonna take Cassel out anyways, because the backup’s a shithead. I know, he used to start for the Browns. But for what it’s worth, us fans love this game and if a player plays well, we’re behind him 100%. If he doesn’t fuk him. We’ll just cheer on the next bum to come take his spot until the cycle repeats again.

DAY 267: It’s fall! Time to send out your mailing to your business contacts.

Done. New meme.

DAY 259: Write about a topic from your father’s or mother’s point of view.

I’ll pick my dad’s POV, as if he would probably be if he was fired up about a shitty movie.

Hunger Games…you know the best part was? it was when Peter, the lead girl’s freakin boy toy during the Running Man fucking bit, where they’re running around trying to be little running men, freaking makes himself look like a rock with his little tongue coming out from the rock hole. I was like Christ this movie sucks. I would rather watch a movie that shows my wife recording me, recording our little Halloween village lighting up and making all the sounds. Katniss and Peter? Oooooo, Penis or Katner: the new it couple. Care. Hunger Games? More like I’m Pretty Full Games. Never Wanna Eat Again Games. Cool story bro. If Spielberg did it, he’d fuck shit up. You let the guy who directed Sea Biscuit do it? That’s the problem. Is Tobey McGuire in this movie somewhere? Maybe he’s the creator of the stupid mechanical bees…

DAY 253: Update your contact lists. Drop people a line to check in and make sure your info is current.

Done. New meme.

DAY 252: Rework an old bit.

NFL is officially underway, but to hell with the Cowboys and Giants. The REAL NFL games start tomorrow and I can’t wait. Man, it’s gonna be awesome going to the bar and cheering on our loser Browns. I can’t wait to see the kickoff. Oh wait, no I won’t see it because Direct TV will fuck it up again because of overloads. Last year was pathetic, so who cares if we don’t see kickoff, right? Wrong! It’s a fresh start and the Cleveland Browns will win the Super Bowl this year. They definitely have the most talent. We have the 2nd best QB in the NFL and 2 of the top 5 wideouts in the league with Cribbs and Jordan Norwood. Both will easily exceed 1200 yards. Plus, we got a FB that is a veteran who has been among the league’s best for over 10 years. And the defense. Let’s not get started with the D. I mean, we got 3 Pro Bowl LB’s, 6 Pro Bowl Safeties and 14 Pro Bowl D-Ends. We’re so stacked, our fucking practice squad wins regular season games. Oh and did I forget about our award winning Punter? Yep, that’s right! Our Punter won the Pulitzer Prize for his aerodynamics study on the flight mechanics, future pigskin design mechanisms, high pressure turbid air alongside and under the ball, and the low pressure at the back all combine to generate considerable aerodynamic drag. And remember this name: Johnson Bademosi. He will be our team captain next year, because he is going to intercept the ball 47 times this year, you watch. It’s on larger markets, it’s on.