DAY 315: Expand your vocabulary. Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

Today’s word is propulsion. It means momentum or progress and that’s how I feel about our small production company. I have 4 other guys that are so fuckin passionate about film and creating, that it makes me smile thinking of all the shit we’ll accomplish together. Now at first, with 5 heads, it was tough to agree and come together all at once. We definitely had different visions for our Vision Breeze Productions company. However, as of recently, things took a nice turn and it’s starting to clear up. We are all committed again and feeling 100% assurance over the direction we decided to take the company. Not only that, in a night out of brainstorming over some $1.75 PBRs, we realized more avenues we can pursue to capitalize on our plan even more. It’s exciting and the fire is spreading more than ever since we started together back in July. Stay tuned for more notices as we continue to grow. And if your band wants a music video or a promo video or a live taping, contact me (216) 246-9900.

DAY 311: Write a complete joke using only one sentence.

Two and a Half Men is better than Seinfeld. Bahahaaaahahhahaha!

DAY 310: Write a short story with you as the protagonist.

I decided to use my moral dilemma sketch I wrote back in the Second City writing lab days. I will play Jim, the protagonist. Again, don’t worry about format, as this is a blog, and you’re a dick if you do.

INT. PENTAGON

TED: Jim!  Welcome!  Glad you made it on time.  C’mon, I’ll give you the nickel tour on our way to your first meeting!

JIM: Wow!  The Pentagon!  I can’t believe I got the job.  Thank you!  Thank you very much!

TED: Oh, no problem!  I mean, you were the most qualified and this requirement has been open for months!  We needed to get someone in your role QUICK before it washed!

Ted leads Jim though the corridor and points out which room is which.

TED: And now here we are.  Now Jim, remember.  This is confidential.  What you are about to see is not viewed by anyone without security clearance level Purple, let alone civilians like your wife or family.

JIM: My wife passed away a year ago from cancer.

TED: Aw!  I’m so sorry to hear that.

JIM: No, no—-it’s fine.  It’s just tough somedays.

TED: Well what you are about to see may not go over as well as expected. 

Ted opens the door and reveals multiple cubicles of information. 

JIM: AIDS cure…Jimmy Hoffa’s body!  Kennedy assassination!

TED: Yep!  This here is where all the magic happens.  This is what we call the “Hollywood Room.” 

JIM: Scandal!  Holy shit!

TED: Yep!

JIM: Oh.  Oh.  Cancer’s cure.  I see.

TED: Yeah…sorry Jim!  It’s just that we make so much money off of research, the treatment programs, and government funds and all the red tape, I mean.  I mean it’s hard I know, but it’s real. 

JIM: How long?

TED: About 8 years now.

JIM: Excuse me for a moment.

Jim collects himself.  Obviously he’s getting fired up.  Enters Aaron.

AARON: Excuse me sir!

TED: Yes?

AARON: What should I do with this new cancer research we concocted last week?  This is that thing we were talking about how we can cure cancer in terminal stages, or whatever.

JIM (under breath): Huh?

TED: Uh, remind me again —- where did we leave off?

AARON: Uh last was the checklist of the people receiving the cure.  We need to still contact the White House for their list, but we need to make sure we’re supplying this stuff to those on the list!  And like, this week sir!

TED: Ahhh, right, right, right, right, right.  Um…well!  Um, how about we do a PowerPoint presentation this afternoon?  We can discuss that and the government’s secret bank account withdrawal policy.  Call the other side of Washington and ask if we can squeeze it in today between the American Cancer Society meeting and the Sasquatch/Roswell forum.

AARON: Right away sir.

JIM: You people make me sick! My poor wife laid there suffering and all we did was pray that someone blessed enough would find a cure in time! I should’ve known!

TED: Well unfortunately nothing can bring her back!  I mean, except for the Fountain of Youth serum we have over in Unit DDDXXX, but that is at an all time low and we wont have any missionaries making that trip for another 3 or 4 years…so it’s real sporadic…but really, there is nothing we can do.  So let’s get going to our meeting.  Try to deal with the circumstances—-this isn’t run like an Applebees!  We need you on your A game all the time!

Jim drags his head and walks behind Ted a little slower.  They enter the conference room.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

TED: Everyone!  This is Jim! 

Jim greets everyone and takes a seat.

TED: Tell them about yourself!

JIM: Well…I’m a hard-working, single parent trying to make ends meet, while trying to teach the values of being an honest person to my young ones. 

The room roars with laughter.

TED: Well I think he meant the values of being a pleasant, civilized person.

JIM: No!  I meant honest.  And I mean it.  I can’t believe you people sit here and have all this information at your disposal, and for what? To keep it bottled up from the general population?

TED: Well I mean, it’s what’s best for them.  The general population is a group of fools.  They cant handle this kind of information. 

JIM: Right.  Sure.  They couldn’t handle having antibiotics that can cure them from disease.  They don’t want to know what’s out there beyond the moon.  They don’t want to know about celebrity scandals!  Sure, right!  I can’t believe this!  I really cant!

TED: So what are you saying?

JIM: I think I’m saying that you might need to reopen that requirement and find someone a little more suitable for this job, from a moral standpoint.

TED: Are you sure?  There’s no turning back once you back out on us! 

JIM: Yes.  Please accept my withdrawal.

TED: Very well.

Ted then pushes a buzzer that immediately smokes Jim into disintegration.

DAY 309: Write an original “joke book” joke.

What’s the best line from the original 90210? It’s when Ian Ziering falls down the steps, yelling “ah,” before his mouth is closed.

DAY 308: Put parentheses around any useless words in a joke or sentence of a story. Try eliminating it. Does it still work?

Yes? (New) meme.

Come see (my) play (today) at 3:00 PM at the Cape Fear Playhouse in Wilmington, NC. Also (going) on Friday and Saturday next week at 8:00 and again next Sunday at 3:00 PM. (Call for) tickets at (910) 367-5237.

DAY 306: Try your hand at writing a longer “story”-type piece.

Eating Cancer may be the only Cure for Popazao Fever

LOS ANGELES - With new release of his smash hit single PopoZão topping the charts in the North Pole and Neverland, Kevin Federline has finally emerged as a force to reckon with in the music industry. His “Jamaican rump shaker” beats are sure to get any party ended.

The slow-witted Federline has always seen himself as a sure-shot success, but critics are eager to him write-off as the next Mozart, but black. PopoZão fever is a recent rising epidemic in the villages surrounding Honduras. It is quickly spreading and some virologists are even exclaiming, “PopoZão fever might even hit the US sometime around never. “

Although some researchers will say being hearing-impaired is the only way to cure PopoZão fever, eating cancer remains the #1 treatment in the highly-affected regions.

The symptoms of PopoZão fever include sudden urges to utter Barbara Streisand hooks, a newfound preference in track-lighting, and a discovered hatred towards meat.

A growing number of fans have also known to become increasingly ill as the song draws near a close. Federline has been quoted with reasoning towards this accusation by saying, “I think it’s because of my incredible talent. People can’t seem to follow the intelligence behind my words, so they get whirl-winded by my great beats. Do you guys validate that parking garage?”

DAY 305: It’s Halloween. What are the 3 funniest costume choices for today’s stars?

1. A Jessica Simpson outfit where she has a noose around her neck.

2. An “Uncle Tom” Ice Cube outfit.

3. A Lebron James outfit where it has tire tracks going across his back.

4. A Tim Tebow outfit where he has devil horns on his head.

5. A Jersey Shore cast member with blood all over them.

DAY 304: Break out your list of three-month goals. Did you meet them? Make a new three-month list.

Here are the original and results:

1. To have the “Dale Archdale” feature film script in Final Draft phase, ready for rewrites, a table reading and a staged reading with filming beginning in November/December. 50% done.

2. To be completed with the “Hitman” play with my playwright collaborating partner, Kilby. Not even close.

3. To have my short film “Change” entered into more film festivals. Done.

4. To have my short film “Capturing Smell” halfway in the can. Not even in principle photography yet.

5. To have landed 6 more clients for our production company. Yep.

6. To have landed 1 more client for my Wilmington Improv corporate program. Yep.

7. Land the 3rd big outplacement client. Yep.

8. To be completed with my job hunting book “UnUnemployed” and ready for revisions. Nope.

9. To be a day player or production assistant with a studio film in the southeast. Yep, Iron Man 3 Production Assistant.

10. To have the “El Kingo” script done and done and possibly ready to shoot it as the feature in the winter over Dale Archdale (uh, oh!). Done, but in rewrites and will not be shooting this script.

11. To have produced 3 “Werewolf vs Gorilla” short films for the webseries. Nope.

12. To have produced 1 “Enforced Happiness” short film for the webseries. Nope.

13. To have produced 4 “Dale Archdale” short films. Yep.

14. To have our sketch comedy troupe’s show fleshed out and ready to begin rehearsals and performances at end of January. Nope. Still have the troupe and have taken a hiatus until mid-November when I am done with the theatrical play I am involved in.

15. Have my daily goals up to date and beginning the phase of creating Pilot and Spec Script for my literary manager “send-out package”. Wanting to have the actual Pilot and Spec Script completed February. Nope.

16. To have the current comedy writing book I’ve been reading for the past 2 months done. Nope.

Here are the new ones:

1. To have the “Dale Archdale” feature film in the can (shooting for a January or February production).

2. To be in the process of writing “Hitman” play with my playwright collaborating partner, Kilby.

3. To have my short film “Capturing Smell” ready for a spring production, after Archdale feature film.

4. To have landed 1 more client for my Wilmington Improv corporate program.

5. Land the 4th big outplacement client.

6. To be completed with my job hunting book “UnUnemployed” and ready for revisions.

7. To have the “El Kingo” script done with revisions and ready to be sent for screenwriting competitions.

8. To have produced Dale Archdale “White Trash Party” promo for feature film package.

9. To have our sketch comedy troupe’s show fleshed out and ready to begin rehearsals and performances in early Spring.

10. Have my daily goals up to date and beginning the phase of creating Pilot and Spec Script for my literary manager “send-out package”. Wanting to have the actual Pilot and Spec Script completed by April.

11. To have the current comedy writing book I’ve been reading done.

12. To have DV Rebel’s Guide book read and completed.

13. To have the script Sue Happy in the works with my screenwriting partner, Shane.

14. To have El Kingo Part Deux script in the works with my screenwriting partner, Greg.

DAY 303: Organize your premises.

Done. New meme.

DAY 299: Write a bit about numbers.

Here’s a numbers joke. How long can Howie Mandel extend his 15 minutes of fame? I mean he overextended his 15 minutes of fame into 60. Never since Little Monsters has Howie Mandel experienced such a high degree of fame and exposure, until the ground-breaking hit reality TV game show, Let’s Make a Deal.

As untalented and skill-set lacking as the host, Let’s Make a Deal re-surfaced Mandel’s lackluster career.

Confirming viewers’ accusations about his sexuality preference, his brass pirate earrings and well-lubed bald head left no one perplexed any longer. From hillbilly hot-shots to hot dog-loving financial analysts, any type of Wal-Mart going mid-westerner is welcomed with warmth on Howie’s set.

“He was handing out free copies of US Weekly magazine with him in it. I never get free magazines anywhere!” said Tonya, a waste water treatment operator, from Onancock, WV. “He even let me listen to the rehearsal phone calls to the banker. It was a bowlful of blooper laughs! That Howie really gets it!” said Clint, a local horseback cavern tour guide, from Horse Cave, KY.

Another high bar that producers have set is for the part of the “briefcase beauty”. These women need to be up to Howie’s standards, as he is the main talent coordinator for this role.

“He pulled out his dingy at the first audition and I admired how genuine and sincere he was!” said current briefcase “number 13” beauty, Candy Tossgreen.

Energized with his renewed success, Howie Mandel closed his speech at last week’s ratings party with, “This time I’m puttin’ some money away! Just as soon as I buy back my yacht.” The crowd chuckled sympathetically.

DAY 297: Election Day is around the corner. Write about the process.

Ah election day is coming. Time for us saps to go vote, like it matters. Everyone knows that the Electoral College is what matters, and yet we head to the polls to get our stupid ass stickers. We learned back in the 2000 election that people with more money and higher power than us control the country, behind closed doors. Sure, I’m a conspirator, I still vote and I love the fucking USA, but it pisses me off knowing that we have our own personal American Bilderberg that run the country. We’re all just minions running around doing our “ant” work. Alright, so you can tell I’m frustrated today, but as long as I can go to a bar, watch my Browns every Sunday while eating a $6 pack of 10 wings and a $2 Bud heavy, I’m good to go. And as long as people like Palin don’t come into the picture again and scare me like she did in 2008, I’ll still vote and be fine. GO AMERICA! GO VOTE PEOPLE! Still have the freedom to do it and that’s something we can’t take for granted!

DAY 296: Go to a restaurant and write a review.

I am reviewing Domino’s Pizza. It tastes like shit. Those commercials are full of shit and the pizza still tastes like shit. It will never improve, because it will always taste like shit. I don’t know how people choose to order Domino’s. Can’t you just go to another pizza place that offers pizza that doesn’t taste like shit? Can’t people order something a little better than Domino’s? Maybe like a store bought pizza! I mean, Domino’s, stop advertising you guys are using “new” recipes and the ingredients are “fresh.” You don’t know what any of those words mean, so stop throwing them around aimlessly to generate more revenue. Your pizza looks like shit, smells pretty good (I mean because let’s be honest, it’s still pizza), and tastes like shit.

Note: I did not actually order Domino’s because I would kick my own fat face if I did.

DAY 293: Write funny stuff about the weather.

2 observations about the weather, particularly snow:

1. When snow is on your car door window, you roll down the window to clear it off, because you think you can beat it…and of course it all comes piling in through the window and gets all over you. The heater instantly melts the snow on your pants. Now you look like you’ve pissed yourself.

2. Don’t wear sandals in the snow. It’s like rain when you get inside people. Your socks get wet and now you’re uncomfortable.

DAY 292: Tonight you host a talk show! What’s in your opening joke for your monologue?

Bill O’Reilly chimed in about the 2nd Presidential Debate stating that Mitt Romney “held his own.” He then went on to say in order for Mitt to come out on top he needs to, “fucking do some jive!” next time so he can “relate” to the voters.

DAY 289: Organize your premises.

Done. But here’s a thought I had: If i could put all my friends and family together that I think could help make a bang-up movie as a group, I would and it would be a great flick. New meme.