DAY 224: Write something funny about your body.

PENAL IMPLANT - This old Mexican guy who had 2 daughters came into the ER, and the girls are complaining about him having a heart attack. He was sweating profusely and he’s grabbing his chest. He’s beating on his chest, like a damn ape. So we take him in the trauma room and of course his daughters aren’t allowed in. And we get the gist of his story as we’re working on him that his new wife isn’t with him, but she’s en route. So we put him in the trauma room. And this one nurse who spoke Spanish is tryng to say to him “do you have chest pain?” And he’s saying “Grande mucho pain, grande mucho pain.” And we have an EKG on him to see what his hearts doing and he’s going “no, no, no, no, no” with his hands. He stands up and pulls down his zipper and his penis is big and black. So we got an issue here and we come to find out that he had a penal implant cause he had a new young wife and didn’t want to tell his daughters that the penal implant was for his new wifey. So we cover him back up and the Chief shuffles in (a little Fillipino guy who always had his hands in his pocket) and pulls back the curtain, thinking he’s gonna see a heart attack victim and he goes “Jesus Christ, God Damn.” He puts ice on his junk, calls the squad for some pain medication, and rushes him back to the Cleveland Clinic where he had the implant. It’s like a god damn Cialis commercial, “Call the doctor after 4 hours if your new wife fucked up your penal implant, literally.” Blood flow is just messing his shit up. Oh, and his lying to the daughters.

DAY 223: Update all your business documents—resumes to web pages.

Done. New meme.

DAY 222: Write a piece about your first crush.

My first crush could go either way. The good girl or the bad girl? In corner one, the girl who had it together. Tobi Boles. She was the one who was the hottest, she was smart, she could carry a conversation with you and she liked sports. I actually consider her my 1st girlfriend ever. It last 3 days and I told her that if she wanted a friend, she could “go buy a dog”, because I was convinced she went out with me simply to get to my friend.  Funny thing is, she ended up marrying that friend and I’m still friends with that friend, so when I saw that friend over Christmas this past year, there was Toby. Still looking good, but also looking 30 like we do these days. Well then there’s corner 2: The Underdog. Josie Church. This broad had 38 Cs in 8th grade so all the guys wanted to attack her. Best part was is that she put out. She let me grab her boob (outside of course) during 8th grade lunch and I still remember it. It was the day I got up in front of the class, turned around, bend down to fart and RIIIIP went my pants to go with the fart. I ended up in the bathroom stall with the gay (and I literally mean he was gay) music teacher trying to staple my pants closed. I felt uncomfortable, it was a bad idea and you know he knew it was all around. But in any case, Josie Church mighta been my first crush because she was the feisty one. She dated black dudes, she had knockers and she talked ghetto. We all loved bagging on her, but then trying to tea-bag her in an 8th grade kinda way (tongue kisses and booby grabs). Ah, the days of learning about sex by playing 7 minutes in heaven and calling girls with your buddies being quiet on the other line. Shit’s funny. But I still loved playing Techmo Bowl and going to haunted houses more than chicks, because shit! I was fat until 7th grade, so I wasn’t dating anyone for awhile. Well, I would still say Sonic the Hedgehog was tied with Josie as far as what I liked to play with back in grade school.

Above is a meme mocking the new show on NBC premiering Monday.  Soldiers are dying and this is how the networks respond. American fail.

DAY 221: Write a bit for a comic. Try to capture her voice.

I’m using Kevin James as my comic. Above is another funny clip from him. Here’s a joke he could tell, I think:

Former:

YELLING ON THE SHITTER - Wifey material and about how you know you’re bad when you rush into the bathroom and ask your wife to make some food for you while she’s cleaning the toilet. “Oh I see you’re busy…well can you make it after you get done scrubbing my piss off the seat?”

Latter:

YELLING ON THE SHITTER - It’s pretty bad when I get real lazy. Like, I’ll be sitting there, watching a game, feet up like I’m Goodman in King Ralph, eating Cheez-Its, just basking in laziness. Meanwhile, the ole lady is in the background cleaning and then she starts vacuuming. I’m like “Can you not do that right now? I’m trying to listen to this commercial!” or she’s cleaning the toilet and I’m like “can you move for a second so I can piss all over your clean spots?” or when I rush into the bathroom and ask the ole lady to make some food for me while she’s cleaning the toilet. I’ll be like, “Oh I see you’re busy…well can you make it after you get done scrubbing my piss off the seat?” The best is when she’s doing shit in the kitchen and I start fucking her world up with the opening of the cabinets, the messy rearranging where I leave half the shit I take out on the counter-top expecting her to clean it all up, then crop dust around the place, then leave with chips and salsa in my hands. And we wonder why men get divorced.

DAY 219: Research and make contact with four new markets for your work.

1. Matt Schweppe Contact - One of my production company partners met someone who can assist us with generating more commercial business.

2. Shane Thompson - Assisting me with the Dale Archdale feature script.

3. Resume Company - Company that hired me to work on resumes for them. Nice consistent income.

4. John Slade - New production partner looking to work on a southern comedy script together.

DAY 217: Rework an old bit you want to work better.

BASEBALL CARDS: Yeah I collect the card: baseball cards. Hopefully still worth shit someday. I still buy cards too, fuck it. Rookies of real good guys and I like to get those jersey cards where they have a piece of clothing in the card. It’s like I get 2 things outta it, not just the card, but also the jersey. Also I love how us sports assholes collect autographs, but never know what autograph it is. I look at the back of the fucking DC metro card and can’t tell who the fuck it was that signed it when I was getting off at Dupont Circle. Once I got a declined credit card slip signed by the owner of the bounced credit card, Joe Jurevicius AND Ricky Davis.

DAY 216: Write something that uses the full level of your intelligence.

The vortex of the hypothesis of the quadrant reactor, juxtaposes itself from the variance, until the ratio formulaic obtuse physics repositions across the ROYGBIV. Cradle to grave. At the end of the day, we’re looking to increase the decrease of reduction additional resources from the research and development subject matter experts. Win-win. Absorbed costing can hang the bell on the cat anytime the cow jumps over the moon. You can stick your head up the butcher’s ass to get a good look…wait a minute, it’s gotta be your bull. Working lunch is what I’m about to do. 

I wrote plenty of papers in college using my full level of intelligence. It was all downhill from there. I mean, what the hell kinda task is this anyways, stupid ass author?

DAY 215: Write a bit about something in nature.

I’ve never done this before, but today I’m sharing a Dale Archdale script. It’s for “Tenter to the Stars,” coming in early fall. Again, fuck format and pronoun usage, it’s a comedy blog. And I promise it’s the last OIive Garden meme.

DALE: Tired of life and you just wanna say “Fuck it, let’s go to a National Park and try not to get rear-end fucked by some bears”?

Close-up of LADY 1’s face.

LADY 1 (nodding): Mmm. Hmmm.

DALE: Your man away and you need a man’s man to do an eagle scout’s job and camp the shit outta some nature?

Close-up of LADY 2’s face.

LADY 2: Yeah.

DALE: Well fucking call my ass.  I’m fucking Dale Archdale, the tenting torchbearer.

CUT TO: Dale sitting there in chair drinkin beer and lawn fishing, while J puts the tent together.

QUICK CUT: Her struggling (do 3 takes of various stuggles to get the tent up)…then it’s up.

DALE: Bout time. I was getting bored just watching you.

Dale walks past her into the tent and she’s standing there tired as shit.

DALE: Get in here and put up my tent pole now.

CUT TO:

DALE: I don’t like this spot…break it down and move it over a couple feet…hurry up, real quick!

CUT TO: Blue screen. Background is a random summer scene.

DALE: Oh did I fucking forget to mention that I was the chapter president for the 1991 KOA striped bass fishing to fight Sam Goody’s flawed forearms with only split shot, night bobbers and worm harnesses frenzy freakout fanatical friendly fever for featured fitting financial fortress fights? Now you want me to dress up like the Shoney Bear and get our furry on?

CUT TO: Dale is against wall.

DALE: Lesbians love camping. It reminds them of what could be.

Closeup of hotdogs being grilled.

CUT TO: Dale is trying to rub 2 sticks together to start a fire.

DALE: How did Kevin Bacon do this in White Water Summer? Fucking Bacon, man.

QUICK CUT: Dale tosses the sticks, squirts the lighter fluid, throws a match and flame erupts.

DALE: Boy scouts are stupid.

ARCHDALE WHISPER.

CUT TO: Close-up of Dale holding “Time Out” VHS tape in one hand along with box in other hand.

DALE: Every gore-tex grill brush set comes with a free copy of Time Out with Arsenio Hall and Magic Johnson!

CUT TO:

DALE: I hate when people say ‘awkward’…Shut up ya dick!

CUT TO:

DALE: You like grilling wieners. Well I got one for you to fire up and smoke…c’mere bitch!

Dale chases after her, jumping over the fire.

CUT TO: Dale is standing there by fire pit.

DALE: The African tribes are pussies.

He walks through the hot coals and fake fucks the air giving a thumbs up.

DALE: Pancake titties. With fresh maple syrup from Crocker Barrell.

CUT TO: Dale is squatting in woods and shitting.

DALE: Best part of camping. Spreading a little of me all over nature.

CUT TO:

DALE: Watch out for big burly bears.

INSERT: Generic clip of bear running through woods.

Dale is running from bear, pushing Jamie out of way, and continuing to run while she is laying on ground.

CUT TO:

DALE: Hey Progressive, Flo’s annoying as shit! You’ve done been on my nerves for 3 years running.

In tent, Dale puts the fan towards him.

DALE: There we go.

CUT TO: Dale is laying there in tent freaked out by noises.

DALE: Go check it out!

Cut to her about to leave.

DALE: Don’t forget the lantern.

Dale hands her the flashlight and showers her with 16 D batteries.

CUT TO: Dale is fishing with her.

DALE: Put my worm on. There’s only certain slimy things I’ll use my fingers on.

She hesitates.

DALE: C’mon, don’t be a wussy.

She hesitates. Cut to Dale putting the worm on with the big hook thingy we have.

CUT TO: Dale catching fish, throwing it in air, and trying to hit it with stick like it’s a baseball.

DALE: Fish ain’t hooked on no feelings.

QUICK CUT: Dale slamming beers, J offering bug spray, Dale hitting it away, burping, slamming beer, singing, slamming beer, falling over, sleeping, waking up with Bug bites all over me (use red lipstick)

CUT TO: Dale has bug bites on him still (red lipstick).

DALE: So if you need a wigwam enthusiast, give me a call, Dale Archdale, I don’t fuck around.  Mmm, here comes that slice of hair pie. Yeah.

DAY 213: Organize your premises.

Done. I’m loving July. Lots of organizing work. I’m heading to Olive Garden with my brother tonight, who’s in town. New meme to celebrate the cause.

DAY 212: Rewrite your oldest bit.

GAMECHANGERS - I gotta buddy with Muscles. Justin. Anybody got one of these? I feel like a fucking showman at a circus when I go out with him.  All weekend, “hey ladies, check out my buddy over there…with the muscles.  He thinks your cute. And…he’s shy.” We’re always playing the shy card. Which works well when he’s tired and isn’t motivated to talk because of all the working out he’s doing. The best is when his fellow muscle meathead friends are in town and they all have pecs too.  So we call them…the GAMECHANGERS.  At the beach, chicks come up to them and talk. We bring the Molten (volleyball) as the ultimate icebreaker for them to pickup chicks. So me and my non-pec buddies wanna hang with the gamechangers so we can “pick up all the scraps”. We’re like “wherever they’re going, we’re going.” We’re like “hey guys, take off your shirts. It’s midnight in the bar, who cares” It’s like we’re getting hit on tonight vicariously through them. We can feel safe tonight hanging with gamechangers in case we get in fight, so now we’re talking shit on everybody.  And when Justin the gamechanger comes out, it’s like fishing with dynamite on these dimes.

Above is a picture of a present I got from my mom. Pretty fucking sweet, right?

DAY 211: Write a bit about writing.

Writing is the single most fun thing to me in the entertainment field. It’s also the hardest. I wish I was better at it and I’m still learning a lot as it will always be a growing event as I change and things happen in life. But I will summarize it like this. Just this past weekend, I got a chance to watch 2 newer episodes of Workaholics.  To see where it was to where it is now comes down to writers. Better writers. A show starts off kinda funny and it “works” and you laugh once every say 3 minutes. That’s how I felt at first about the show. But then I watched an episode where they were trying to start their own religion and they used gay wrestlers to do it and it was a laugh at EVERY SINGLE LINE. And that’s when you know it’s simply better writing. You get a team of good writers and they will churn out some good shit. Look at how Seinfeld got better and better. Same with the Simpsons. Although there does come a time when your show will jump the shark and not be as good anymore and that sucks. It’s happened to me with Entourage’s last season, the more recent Simpsons episodes, South Park’s past 2 seasons and It’s Always Sunny’s past season. In any case, good writing is pimp and I wanna be the one who gets to be it’s bitch. Beat me, writing. Beat me good.

DAY 210: Pick a bit that’s not working and fix it.

LOSING WEIGHT’S EXPENSIVE - Losing weight’s expensive. You gotta buy all the fruits and vegetables which is pricey, sometimes organic which is even more. And we won’t get into my bit about how you have to monitor the fridge and the vegetables to make sure you gobble em up before they go bad. I treat my fridge like a god damn triage unit. Then you gotta buy the Weight Watchers program. You gotta invest in running shoes and exercise equipment. You gotta buy a personal trainer and life coach.  You gotta buy protein shakes and all sorts of energy bars.  You gotta buy a new wardrobe every 3 months. You buy a lot of protein — lots of various meats and fish.  Good cuts of meat and fish! And you never know what the market rate’s gonna be that week. Lots of reduced fat, low calorie, fat free and sugar free items. Lot of vitamins in your life. Well those are 15 bucks for a 50 count.

DAY 209: Organize your premises.

Done. Above is the picture of my new character, Darksnake, in the animated series “Action Faction”.

DAY 208: Organize the funny articles you’ve read.

Done. New meme.

DAY 206: Find the first bit you ever wrote. Rewrite it with the talent you have now.

Former:

HISTORICAL WILMINGTON - Wilmington’s a nice, old town.  Nice blend of youth and tradition.  I love how these college kids are coming outta bars all hammered and they end up puking all over the alley.  You wonder “he just yacked where a revolutionary war soldier mighta died”.  Then his buddy comes out and pisses his name all over the wall and you wonder “did General Lee’s horse take a shit there too?”  You know George Washington probably slept where the girl is getting finger blasted by the black dude she just met at Goodfellas. It’s funny to combine carelessness with sacrifice.  I hate people who don’t appreciate history. It’s like when the National Anthem’s being sung at a bar before kickoff for a Team USA soccer match, and some bonehead won’t stop talking about his new iPhone to some broad who just wants free Stolis from the asshole.  Drives me nuts! Show some pride, ya dingbats! Show some appreciation for the flag and what it stands for! And stop acting like you’re partying in college! You’re in downtown Wilmington.  1739! Some guy sacrificed his arms and legs for you to get a $1.75 PBR.  So at least wait until you get back to the dorms before you blow the guy ya just met.

Latter:

HISTORICAL WILMINGTON - Wilmington’s a nice, old town.  Nice blend of youth and tradition.  I love how these college kids are coming outta bars all hammered and they end up puking all over the alley.  You wonder “he just yacked where a revolutionary war soldier mighta died”.  Then his buddy comes out and pisses his name all over the wall and you wonder “did General Lee’s horse take a shit there too?”  You know George Washington probably slept where the girl is getting finger blasted by the black dude she just met at Goodfellas. It’s funny to combine carelessness with sacrifice.  I hate people who don’t appreciate history. It’s like when the National Anthem’s being sung at a bar before kickoff for a Team USA soccer match, and some bonehead won’t stop talking about his new iPhone to some broad who just wants free Stolis from the asshole.  Drives me nuts! Show some pride, ya dingbats! Show some appreciation for the flag and what it stands for! And stop acting like you’re partying in college! You’re in downtown Wilmington.  1739! Some guy sacrificed his arms and legs for you to get a $1.75 PBR.  So at least wait until you get back to the dorms before you blow the guy ya just met. The thing with Wilmington is that it’s so old, you know there’s ghosts everywhere. And we’re talking Civil War and Revolutionary ghosts. And you know they’re always battling for who’s war was harder. And I’m scared of ghosts. Nope, I’m very scared of them. I get so nervous if I’m home alone. I can’t tell which ghost is picking on me: Civil War or Revolutionary War ghosts that’s haunting the apartment. And I’m so nervous that they’re gonna be playing poker and somebody’s gonna piss somebody off and they’re gonna take it out on me. Downstairs. Cause I know they’re in my attic.  Looks like I’m sleeping under the covers tonight. The only protection I have is my Power Rangers blanket. A piece of cloth divides me from scary faces.