DAY 359: Free associate on what’s going on in your life right now.

Well it’s the year end and that means, no NFL playoffs to look forward to. I wanna rant as my year end free association. Rant about the Cleveland Browns year.

1. Josh Cribbs - you’re like the Moe Williams of football. When you should call for a fair catch you don’t, when he shoud’nt, you do!

2. Trent Richardson - “Hey TRich, Cleveland loves ya bro,” just don’t salute anymore after you score. You’re not in the Armed Forces. Trust me, we will back you forever anyway…just thinking out loud.

3. WRs - Josh Gordon. You’re cool. Ahem. That is all.

4. LBs - everyone can go away except DJ.

5. CBs - get your shit together. Haden is legit. Anyone else you must acquit. And get rid of them.

6. Sheldon Brown - move to safety and back up Usama already. You’re too old to play corners.

7. Brandon Weeden - eh. Eh. EH. EH! GO AWAY!

8. Pat Shurmur - you’re no motivator. And you’re not smart. Please Sean Payton. PLEASE!

9. Jimmy Haslam - we like you. You spend money. You spend money, we win. We win, we happy.

10. Finally, the whole team - you’re young. We’re dealing with you, as usual. But, we happened to enjoy dealing with you a little better this year. Still sucks. But, we have…hope? (oh yeah…as usual)

DAY 357: Write about winter.

The winter is a time…for FANTASY FOOTBALL! ZIP, ZIP, ZOINK, BAM, CLINK, DOINK, DINK! That’s right! Who cares about snow when you can be a winner of a fantasy football league! Hell yeah, I’m in! Welp, take a look. I won F’ers! I freakin won! Only happens once in awhile and this year I did it! Me! You can see the final scoreboard of the season above. I beat the shit outta my friend Brooks in the championship. The funny thing is that we played each other in 2 other Super Bowls. This is our third time going head to head. Prior to this, we were split at ones. Now, I reign supreme! $1200 whoppers! Woohoo!

DAY 330: Check your writing for inconsistencies, and fix them. Stick to the topics. Are your subjects clear in your bits?

Yes. Now onto more important things. Like the Browns. I enjoyed the win versus the Shitsburgh Fuckheads, but still….C’mon guys! They had 8 turnovers and we only get 20 points outta it! The Browns CANNOT FINISH! You know what happens in high school when a team can’t finish? They run em! Run em and keep running em. Make it so the team is a 4th quarter dominating powerhouse. That’s what we did in high school and our team wins State Championships hand over fist. We ran and ran and ran. That’s what these Browns need: some stamina. Some fight at the end of the game. So will to want to finish strong and win. Run em. And keep running em until they win. The X’s and O’s will be after the 3 hour run session.

DAY 145: Father’s Day is about three weeks away! Start fixing up this material now.

My ole man is awesome.  He’s such a character.  I enjoy living close to him these days and being able to hang out with him and golf once a month, at least.  I love going to places with him where there’s a small issue with something and watching him get riled up. I’ll be like “sorry, my dad hates when you run out of cocktail sauce, as you can tell” or “sorry, my dad likes the spot right next to the entrance, and you were in his way.”  He’ll also say these little gems that you have to catch about day-to-day life.  He loves rippin on morons, as do I.  He also loves baggin on bad sports, as do I.  He enjoys getting fired up over shitty commercials, shows and movies, as do I.  Come to think about it, I would actually consider myself a Jr. Bob.  I feel like I’ve adapted all my mannerisms and behavioral patterns from my dad.  I get overheated at the drop of a dime, I hate when it’s cart path only and I can’t stand cop shows where a broad is pulling out a gun. With all that being said, I’m gonna work on some good bits about my ole man, because I think the world would enjoy his humor as I’ve come to do.  More about this coming soon enough.

Also, above is a video featuring my ole man watching our favorite Ohio State Buckeyes play the Michigan Wolverines.  This is where I get my sports passion from, FYI.

DAY 36: Put a red pen to your writing. Put parentheses around any unnecessary words in your bits. Would eliminating those words make your comedy stronger?

It’s a holiday bitches! Super Sunday is upon us.  To celebrate, I decided to not show you boring notes pertaining to my standup comedy set and just show you an old school photo of the current New England Patriots’ head coach, Bill Belichick.  It’s proof the Browns were the team that taught Belichick everything he knows. Bahahhaahahahhahahahahhaaaaahh!