DAY 364: Sift through your writing to find all the material you’ve outgrown and get rid of it.
OK. New meme.
DAY 345: Make up a funny Christmas list of 15 items.
Note: All this shit’s real!
1. a Hot Wheels version of the Oscar Mayer weiner mobile & whistle (for Reinhold)
2. wheat penny
3. Burger King crown
4. disposable gloves
5. Gordon Lightfoot Live DVD box set
6. 7 foot gummy snake
7. the Baby Mop
8. Handle of G-Spirits whiskey
9. Brownie Bar Maker
10. Badass Sunglasses With Assault Rifle Temples
11. New Zealand Driving School For Dogs Membership
12. Pizza Hut cologne
13. Booze-Infused Marshmallows
14. Bacon Jello
15. Bacon Shaving Cream
Stocking Stuffer: Sriracha Lip Balm
DAY 340: Write a bit about the holiday season.
How about the holidays in America, huh? Aren’t we just looking like stupid shits fighting each other on Black Friday? Foreign people must be like, “stupid foreigners” when they see us fighting and yelling and kicking and screaming at each other over Furbies. You know that feeling you get when you see foreigners on the TV fighting each other with torches and M80s? That’s what we look like, but with shopping carts and gift cards. I mean we look like complete morons out there. It’s like relax people. It’s a sale and times are tough, but let’s not lose class. Let’s not look like it’s a free bread sampling that just came out from the back at a Panera Bread! Holy shit! Run! RUN! FREE BREAD! Keep it together America. You’re making us look bad during the Christmas season, so shape up or ship out! You’d fit in better at one of those foreign countries, the way you’ve been acting lately.
DAY 325: Organize your premises.
Done. But now I wanna talk about college football as briefly as possible, being that this year my team (The Ohio State University) is ineligible to go to the Nat Champ game against my 2nd favorite team (Notre Dame), because of tattoos. However, I wanna mention about how Collin Klein shit the bed this past weekend when KSU lost, because he was on Sports Illustrated. I wanna talk about pressure and how SI probably got some kickbacks to assist with Kansas State not going undefeated.
DAY 323: Write a bit about time.
Nowadays you can use Youtube to try to get famous via a viral video. Our generation consists of people getting famous through Youtube by putting out the video they hope to go viral. But back in the day, you got famous for HAVING TO DO SOMETHING! Back in the day, people got famous through writings about their lives and accomplishments. You had to invent shit. You had to be a Tesla and create alternating current or you had to be Daniel Boone and slay a fucking bear with a knife. Nowadays, you can be a name like Paris Hilton. That’s where we’re at in society. People often criticize modern American writers, because they write about their own lives instead of fiction. Hemmingway wrote about his life, but he had done a lot. He lived a lot. The dude had been through several wars. But, sports still keeps it’s strength to prove human determination to the umpteenth. You have to have oomph to play sports. We shouldn’t have any celebrity who’s famous for doing nothing. Pisses me off.
DAY 311: Write a complete joke using only one sentence.
Two and a Half Men is better than Seinfeld. Bahahaaaahahhahaha!
DAY 276: Add all new bits you’ve been working on to your material list.
Done. So I am not able to get out of this blog post today too easily, I will post a story below that I drafted up back in 2007. Notice how I predicted this shit back then and knew one day she’d OD. She was a train wreck.
Brittany Murphy Loses Weight, and Respect
LOS ANGELES - The results are in. After 1 day of research at the University Hospital Center of Tirana in Tirana, Albania, scientists finally discovered that due to heavy drug abuse, Brittney Murphy’s acting talent has officially deceased.
“Although her level of the chemical Dansguteselluck (i.e., the chemical within the actor’s brain that allows for the ability to skillfully entertain) was substantially low to begin with,” said Director of Psychiatric-Mental Health Dr. Jambunathan Mangalampally at the Institute. It seems that her dosage levels of the drugs Phencyclidine, Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, Desoxyn, Diacetylmorphine, Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, and Cocaine Hydrochloride exceeded that of the amount limited within chosen ones’ brains. “We have also seen this with David Arquette,” explains Dr. Laloo Meenakshisundaram at the famed Cleveland Clinic Research Center. “No skills were displayed in Clueless, and yet how hard is it to play an outcast turned popular? Isn’t that how it is for an actress? Her role electrified those that are blind, deaf and from Brooklyn.
“In Just Married, it didn’t matter because the movie sucked. In the astounding Frank Miller’s Sin City, the role was salvaged by the surrounding counterparts; and we all just kinda blew it (bad acting by Murphy) off and felt we couldn’t re-shoot so we printed it knowing we were hiding a lie deep within but it did allow me to own the cheesy love scenes,” explains Marshall Mathers on the making of 8 Mile.
Her rapid weight loss a few years ago has also been attributed by the drug addiction. “I remember when she was fat,” explains her past hot counterpart Stacey Dash. “Yeah,” added Alicia Silverstone, when both were interviewed recently at a release party for the DVD “Clueless: The Whatever Edition.”
Another recent interview at the VHS release party of “Don’t Say a Word” in Toronto, Canada with former confederate, Michael Douglas showed Douglas saying, “she would come in high and she would nail the parts. I would tell her she should stop and try to do it sober. We both knew that would be impossible. You know I discovered it when I saw her blowing the key grip for some yayo.”
Recently some pictures were surfacing showing ex-supermodels Janice Dickenson and Kate Moss exiting Murphy’s apartment with a variety of men nightly, sometimes twice an hour. There are also some videos displaying the three blowing coke lines off of men’s dingies and having some African American men do the same off their titties and both sets of clam lippies.
DAY 266: Watch one of the new fall sitcoms and think of episode ideas for it.
I am not a fan of any of the new sitcoms. So I will propose an episode for a newer show that debuted last year: Up All Night. I am digging of that show, because Applegate and Arnett are gems. I think they should do an episode where they want to take their daughter to church for the first time and all the chaos that ensues with the crying room debate. Do they take the kid in there or not? Do they both go or not? Then, maybe the kid farts and everyone thinks it’s Arnett, who then has to defend himself to the patrons after church. We watch as they struggle through the new, altered Roman Missal and Nicene Creed. Then, the couple gets chosen to light the candles for the altar boys (maybe because the Priest welcomed the child or something, so he had the altar boys step down this time in place of the child), so as Arnett is lighting it and Applegate tries to get a picture, Arnett accidentally lights the altar cloth on fire and they end up having to get the fire extinguisher. Then, when the donations come around, none of them have any money for the basket, and the near patrons shake their head in disapproval. I mean, they could do 5 solid minutes in this 1 location.
DAY 265: Go see a stand-up comedy show. Watch the comics and audience, and determine what jokes the audience will like.
I am going to use my experience from a Tom Papa show I once saw. I love me some Papa. He’s very funny, but I feel like he definitely used some canned material and didn’t work the audience as much as other pros. I do notice that the best comedians typically can work their bits to any audience, but that some do need to either tweak it or find a way to parlay it into the act so that the audience enjoys it. I also notice a lot of good local guys will typically bark about youthful or college related material, being that Wilmington is a young town. I find that a good way would probably be to write about all sorts of shit, then come into the performance and observe to see what you think would work that night, then deliver accordingly. I definitely need to get back into standup once I get done with my theater performances in November. I’m in 2 plays then as well as pre-production for our feature film we’re making in January, so needless to say, it’s gonna be a couple more months before I dive back in. But I enjoy standup as an outlet and way to perform in front of people. I am not trying to “break in” at that level. I don’t have the funds, nor the time to travel the country. I praise those guys that do. They bust ass.
DAY 263: Reedit some of your older material.
Tom Cruise is pimp, but man is he crazy. I literally think he went to his people and said “I’m getting old. I need to have a kid. But I want one that looks like me.” So they scrambled around and looked all over Hollywood until they said, “Katie Holmes looks like the Cruise.” So they drafted up some poster board pitches showcasing how the kid will look in multiple scenarios depending upon how much money he wants to put into the developing process. Cruise probably watched some of her work and thought, “I guess it’ll work. Dawson’s Creek was hip. Katie Holmes sucks at acting, but I’ve had some bad roles too.” He proceeded to nod and the wheels went into motion. Now, after so many years of putting up with her shit, he finally put the kibosh on it. I can’t wait to see what the next kids will look like. Something Scientology alien looking?
DAY 262: Find a writer you respect and ask him questions about writing.
So instead of interviewing a writer buddy, I decided to attach the audio file from a writer’s Q&A I went to back in my LA days. It’s with one half of the writing duo that brought you Wedding Crashers, Steve Faber. The guy who wrote Heathers and Batman 2, Dan Waters. Stephen Susco, who wrote the Grudge I & II. Finally, Josh Olson, who wrote A History of Violence. Enjoy.
DAY 257: What opinions have people given you about your writing? Is there a constant thread that runs among the criticism?
I rarely generate feedback about my writing. I have tried to in the past, but people get lazy. Shit, I’ve sent my script to friends and even my wife and THEY don’t even read some of my shit. But in any case, I feel that people think I go overboard and get too vulgar. I understand where I need to be (John Hughes) and where I’m at (some moron). But in order to get there, I still need to keep writing what I know best. I love writing crass. I grew up with that type of humor and farts always make me laugh. I don’t feel that it hinders me anyway, only because I know when I need to not dumb it up so much (screenwriting) and when I can be vulgar (Youtube). I think Youtube likes random or shock comedy. Obviously the Archdale screenplay will border some shit jokes, but it’s definitely not going to be the theme of the humor, because we need to appeal to mass audiences. I have tried to do clean comedy on Youtube and those videos don’t generate much either. It’s very subjective, so I’ll keep playing the game. Eventually, it will transition into more family friendly. But right now, I gotta do what I know best. Kenny Powers does it, ya know.
DAY 256: Write a bit about pets.
THIS JUST IN! It was whale versus boat, and the whale won. Jerry Gormley says he and some friends were watching the sunset off the Santa Barbara, California, coast in his 27-foot Bayliner cabin cruiser when a whale joined the party. He says the whale belly-flopped onto the boat, causing considerable damage. Gormley says the whale made a second run at them, knocking over a passenger who cracked a rib. Gormley figures the whale was bigger than his boat, about 30 feet long. Whale expert Wayne Perryman says it was likely a gray whale. He says the whales are rarely aggressive and sometimes just get curious about boats.
Whales rule.
