DAY 339: Is what you’re writing relevant? What emotion do you want each bit to play off? Tailor your material to present your ideas more clearly.
I feel I like to develop a mixture of 2 types of comedies: Dumb (like Farrelly Brothers or Will Farrell) and Care (like Homer Simpson or Bill Murray). I think it hinges on slapstick and blue collar/toilet humor. So when someone says, “that’s so dumb” or “look how the lead guy doesn’t care about shit,” I think it gets me bones laughing the hardest.
DAY 282: Rework an old bit.
I rewrote a scene from the Dale Archdale feature, and here’s the revised edition:
EXT. COUNTRY CLUB POOL - AFTERNOON
A sign reads “Country Club Pool - Members Only”. Dale and Rick enter the gate. An OLD WOMAN (75) is laying near the pool. Dale grabs the bucket of fish and throws it into the pool. The Old Woman gasps.
OLD WOMAN: Excuse me, sir! Excuse me!
DALE: Quiet up ya ole seahag.
The Old Woman gasps and storms out.
RICK: Dale, whatta ya doin?
DALE: Pull a line out and get at em.
Dale grabs his rod and throws a line in. He sits back, cracks a beer and throws a chew in. The fish bite.
DALE: Look at that! A bite already. Like shooting fish in a pool barrel.
MANAGER (58), wearing a blazer and khakis enters with the Old Woman.
OLD WOMAN: There he is. That’s the man.
DALE: Yeah, who the fuck else is in here.
MANAGER: The police are on their way. Stay put, please.
Rick runs out. Dale laughs.
DALE: Hey look at that old guy!
The Manager turns his head and Dale shoves him into the pool and rushes out. The Old Woman gasps.
OLD WOMAN: Oh! He’s getting away. Get him, get him.
The Manager struggles in the pool, screaming.
MANAGER: I hate fish! I hate fish! Help, help!
The Old Woman keeps screaming also.
OLD WOMAN: Get him, get him!
Dale and Rick laugh and peel off.
Above is the 1st video of our Jordan Almond Milk sketch team. The editing kinda sucks, but that’s because our buddy was trying to edit for the 1st time. But overall, it’s pretty funny.
DAY 221: Write a bit for a comic. Try to capture her voice.
I’m using Kevin James as my comic. Above is another funny clip from him. Here’s a joke he could tell, I think:
Former:
YELLING ON THE SHITTER - Wifey material and about how you know you’re bad when you rush into the bathroom and ask your wife to make some food for you while she’s cleaning the toilet. “Oh I see you’re busy…well can you make it after you get done scrubbing my piss off the seat?”
Latter:
YELLING ON THE SHITTER - It’s pretty bad when I get real lazy. Like, I’ll be sitting there, watching a game, feet up like I’m Goodman in King Ralph, eating Cheez-Its, just basking in laziness. Meanwhile, the ole lady is in the background cleaning and then she starts vacuuming. I’m like “Can you not do that right now? I’m trying to listen to this commercial!” or she’s cleaning the toilet and I’m like “can you move for a second so I can piss all over your clean spots?” or when I rush into the bathroom and ask the ole lady to make some food for me while she’s cleaning the toilet. I’ll be like, “Oh I see you’re busy…well can you make it after you get done scrubbing my piss off the seat?” The best is when she’s doing shit in the kitchen and I start fucking her world up with the opening of the cabinets, the messy rearranging where I leave half the shit I take out on the counter-top expecting her to clean it all up, then crop dust around the place, then leave with chips and salsa in my hands. And we wonder why men get divorced.
DAY 109: Break out your list of three-month goals. Did you meet them? Make a new three-month list.
Here are the original and results:
1. To be able to perform a 10 minute tightened and flowing standup set. I’m kinda there, but need to memorize some nuances more and tighten some shit.
2. To have the “Dale Archdale” feature film script in Final Draft phase with rewrites completed and ready to become a shooting script. On page 35 of first draft…shit.
3. To become a member of the “Thursday Night Live” sketch troupe at Browncoat Theater. Achieved it and was given a time to perform, couldn’t make the date and am waiting for a new date.
4. To be halfway complete with the “Hitman” play with my playwright collaborating partner, Kilby. Have yet to start the actual script. Treatment completed.
5. To have my short film “Change” already premiered and entered into some film festivals. Done.
6. To have my short film “Capturing Smell” in post-production. Still in pre-production.
7. To have my directing partner relocated here and ready to ramp up our production company (with my already located here editing partner) and ready to begin our commercial production work as a team. Done as of May 6.
8. To be at least through 5 scenes of my short animated drama “The Christmas Tree”. Done with 2 scenes.
9. To have made some progress with my Wilmington Improv corporate program. Not looking good right now.
10. Land the first big outplacement client. Done.
11. To have at least the first half of the rough draft of my job hunting book “UnUnemployed” completed. Done.
12. To be a day player or production assistant with a studio film in the southeast. Not since October.
13. To have the full treatment complete for the “King Z” film with another collaborating partner, Greg Gorecki. Done.
14. To have produced 5 “Werewolf vs Gorilla” short films for the webseries. Completed 2.
15. To have produced 1 “Enforced Happiness” short film for the webseries. Nope.
16. To have produced 4 “Dale Archdale” short films. Done.
17. To have a shooting script and pre-production in gears for the “Honk Kong Buffet” short film project with Jack Harrison. Nope.
Here are the new ones:
1. To be able to perform a 10 minute tightened and flowing standup set.
2. To have the “Dale Archdale” feature film script in Final Draft phase, ready for rewrites, a table reading and a staged reading.
3. To be completed with the “Hitman” play with my playwright collaborating partner, Kilby.
4. To have my short film “Change” entered into more film festivals.
5. To have my short film “Capturing Smell” halfway in the can.
6. To have our production company, with my production partner, fully up and running, having landed at least 2 clients.
7. To be at least through 5 scenes of my short animated drama “The Christmas Tree”.
8. To have made some progress with my Wilmington Improv corporate program.
9. Land the 2nd big outplacement client.
10. To be completed with my job hunting book “UnUnemployed” and ready for revisions.
11. To be a day player or production assistant with a studio film in the southeast.
12. To have the first 2 acts for the “King Z” film completed with another collaborating partner, Greg Gorecki.
13. To have produced 3 “Werewolf vs Gorilla” short films for the webseries.
14. To have produced 1 “Enforced Happiness” short film for the webseries.
15. To have produced 4 “Dale Archdale” short films.
16. To have our sketch comedy troupe’s show fleshed out and ready to begin rehearsals and performances at end of July.
17. Have my daily goals up to date and beginning the phase of creating Pilot and Spec Script for my literary manager “send-out package”. Wanting to have the actual Pilot and Spec Script completed by October.
The above video is one of my most favorite films I’ve ever made. It’s called “Family Dancers”. Some get it, some don’t. I don’t give a shit, because I think it’s alright.
DAY 106: Tax day! File and be funny about it.
I’m actually quite slammed today, so this is gonna be a one-liner, which is good practice for me because I perform storytelling jokes better.
Puff Daddy’s wack ass accountant was having trouble trying to figure out how to let Diddy know that he was being audited. So the accountant figured he’d approach it sensitively and playful. When he called PDiddy, he said “Hi Mr. Puff. I’ve got bad news. Repeat after me. Au-dit-ed”. PiffPuff replied “Shit cracker, I didn’t do it! All I did was hire the hitman.”
Eh, a lot of dialogue for a lame joke, right?
Check out the Dale Archdale: Tax Advisor to the Stars.
DAY 99: Reedit some old material and make it current.
PADDY’S DAY WITH THE IN-LAWS: So uh the ad says “Have your in-laws in town, unannounced, 2 days before Paddy’s Day!” Uh, does the ole man still have 2 ears, fucking sign me up! You know I know I’m gonna get drunk and bark at the ole man like he’s one of my buddies. Talking about shit like “look at that chick’s tits! Woops.” Then I’m crying about how I won’t make rent this month. Later I’m cheersing to the Cleveland Indians picking up some spic to play centerfield. The ole lady’s yelling at me the next day because I was hammered and making an ass outta myself to her dad. I’m like “babe, I forgot who he was! I was barking at him like he was Todd! You know March Madness games were on!” At one point, I was getting so personal with my father-in-law, I even started saying “I’m sorry dad, my jokes are off tonight.” Then at one point I met a fellow Clevelander and we started barkin about the 1997 Tribe lineup and the ole man comes walking around the corner, catchin me smokin. I mean I haven’t been caught smoking by the in-laws since 2005 and shit. I see him, I yell out “Fukin Patty’s Day at the beach! Woohoo!” He shakes his head, “Did you cash out yet?” And the worst is I still care that he gives a shit about me smoking or drinking. I’m fucking 32 years old! It’s the worst! Like we’re still in high school, I’m sneaking around out back, yelling at some random guy I just met “light me up, light me up! Hurry up!”. He’s probably like “What’s with this fukin guy?” And I couldn’t stop barking at the ole man! I’m like “Gar, gar, gar! I used to subscribe to Sports Illustrated, I think until 1992! RAAAAR! I just got into curling this year! RAAAAAR! I never got into NWA until college. RAAAAAAAAR! You know the first time I ever saw jugged water was at my neighbor’s house in 3rd grade. RAAAAAAAAR!” Just verbally assaulting the guy. He was horrified. But he knows it’s exactly what he was expecting from his moron son-in-law.
To celebrate the actual holiday we’re on, I posted the new Dale Archdale: Easter Expert to the Stars.
DAY 96: Write a bit on the occult.
The occult I wanna make fun of are the Twihards. The people who think Twilight is God’s gift to cinema. The occult would typically be someone who practices Gnosticism, Hermeticism, Wicca, Satanism, Thelema, and Neopaganism. Now some might not consider a Twihard as being an occult, but rather just a cult. I beg to differ. I think these people are directly related to Satan. I mean the person who created Twilight must’ve sold his soul to the devil for it to not only get made, but to actually be a hit. This pile of shit cannot be manufactured by just a human. No, no, no, no, no. This had the work of the devil all along. The mark of the beast is transparent throughout the whole movie: bad acting that gets nominated for awards (in this case, MTV counts), DP credits for lighting dark movie when all it takes is a blue setting here and there and a couple of dark gels, and a storyline that borders on a mental patient doodling for a few days and coming out with a script at the end. I just can’t get over the people that like this shit. To me, their an occult. To me, they’re evil. I’d rather hang out with Backstreet Boyheads.
Above is Part 3 of the UPS Commercial Spoof webseries.
DAY 95: Organize all the little pieces of paper you’ve written your premises on.
My thing is that I don’t have little pieces of paper. I typically will record and idea on my phone, send it to my email and extract it the next day. So I’m good as far as current stuff. My problem is that I used to carry a recorder around everywhere I went and since 2005, I’ve recorded hundreds (maybe in the low thousands? can I say that?) of ideas and they are just sitting in a folder waiting for me to extract those. However, I do have it on my task list once a week to spend about an hour doing so. It will take me a couple years to get through them, but at least I won’t worry about writer’s block, haha, right?! Right? Ahem…right? Crap.
Above is Part 3 of the UPS Commercial Spoof webseries.
DAY 94: Write something funny for a character of the opposite sex.
One of my favorite shows on TV today is “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”. I love Dennis the best, but I also appreciate Dee (the girl) and her comedy playing into the guys throughout the series. Here’s my idea: have an episode where Dee wants to get implants so she can impress this millionaire who “kinda hit on her” while she was shopping at Burlington Coat Factory (he came up to her as she was trying on a fur coat and she flirted with him a little and asked his opinion on the jacket, “do you like this coat on me?”, as she playfully laughed and seduced him). The millionaire, we find out later, was actually there to inspect the premises because he has plans to knock it down and open up an Ikea. So when Dee gets asked out on a date from the guy, who actually is just asking her out because he wants to probe her about the area being she’s a local, Dee goes to the extreme to look good for this guy. So she actually goes through with the breast implants, that she has done by some back alley doctor the gang finds for her for like $500 and some sex, and shows up to the date wearing this sexy dress. The problem is that her tits start to bleed during the date, the gang shows up to tell her that she was supposed to have sex with the doctor that night because the doctor’s pissed off now and thus, the gang won’t get something from him that they wanted initially also (figure that one out later). The finale joke is that the millionaire is happily married with kids, who all show up during the date, as Dee is dripping in blood and all wet from the gang trying to help stop the bleeding by dousing her with water. We finish with the gang leaving her there after Danny DeVito shows up to tell them that the doctor was arrested and thus, the gang doesn’t need whatever they needed from him to begin with. At the end, Dee looks at the millionaire and says “Do you like this dress on me?”
It needs some re-writes, but it’s a start, right?
Above is Part 2 of the UPS Commercial Spoof webseries.
DAY 91: Write a bit about April Fools’ Day.
APRIL FOOL’S DAY: Who thought up this one? Well apparently, it’s from the Romans’ Medieval Festival of Fools, in which it was a day on which pranks are played in Spanish-speaking countries. Leave it to the Mexicans to come up with this one. (Mexican voice) “Hey, I got an idea! Let’s take a day off of work and have a siesta and fuck with each other all day.” “Uh, we do that anyway.” “Yes, but this time it won’t be while we’re at work.” Do you think it was a way to motivate the sleeping Mexican under his sombrero to actually stay awake when they were trying to hop the fence into Rome? One of em are poking Jose with a stick. Jose gets up all mad, as one of them pushes Jose over the other Mexican who’s crouching over behind him. They’re fucking shoot off guns, that didn’t even exist yet. “Good, you’re awake Jose. We need you to fashion us some rafts.” Other Mexican’s like “I heard they’re building a Colosseum. Do you think we can work on that, papa?” “Of course, we’re cheaper than the Greeks.”
Another one I really need to flesh out more. Still traveling today. I promise this one will be funnier the next round.
Above is the first of our UPS Commercial Spoofs webseries from back in 2008. It features total improvisation and on the spot dialogue creation from my buddy, Adam Grimes. We did a total of 4 of these and I think they came out pretty good, considering that dude who used to do these commercials was a total douchebag, so it can’t be too hard right?
DAY 82: Analyze a comedy writer you haven’t read before. What does he or she do right that you’d like to try?
I decided to go again with one of my favorite comedians, Kevin James. And lack of time today prevented my from analyzing one of his longer bits. But I still took one of the funniest segments in his Comedy Central Presents show “Sweat the Small Stuff.” It involves him being overweight and not having a reason to sweat. I am a louder and bigger comic similar to him, so I try to emulate his energy if I can because he does it so well.I especially like when he becomes more subtle after his friends call him out during the joke. I think he’s great at finding balance between being loud and being subtle throughout his performance.
For those in Wilmington, please come see my show on Sunday March 25th @ 8:00 PM at Bottega Art & Wine in downtown Wilmington.
DAY 77: St. Patrick’s Day: What’s the best joke you can write about it?
Another year has passed and yet another St. Paddy’s day is among us. It might be one of the best drinking days of the year with New Year’s Eve, Christmas, Thanksgiving, your birthday and the 4th of July. So without further ado, here’s my joke:
What do you call an Irish guy who’s drunk? A stereotype.
How can you tell the difference between an Irish guy and a planker? You can’t.
I would say “be safe” tomorrow, but who are we kidding. It’s out of your control when you start drinking at 9:00 in the morning.
Above is the Dale Archdale: Irish Arch to the Stars video to help celebrate this upcoming St. Paddy’s Day.
DAY 70: Write about how you think others perceive you.
I think people think I’m outgoing and larger than life. Both with my weight and personality. I am a tornado ripping through conversations, barking at anyone in my way. But, I do think they know that I would give my shirt off my back to ya. Ever since I was little, I’ve always been loud and “boisterous” as they would call it on my report card. I actually once had to ask a teacher or my mom or someone what that word meant. And now looking back, I think that’s the exact verbage I would choose when asked what others think of me. Boisterous. But I don’t give a shit. I love my life with my wife and family and friends. I mean, we’re still not where we want to be career-wise, but that’s still a fight I will keep fighting. In any case, I think people think that I can be the life of the party. I can get everyone up-beat and having fun. I don’t care what others think of me and I like to call people out on shit. A lot of the times I’m annoying and I feel that others would say that too, but to those people it’s like “Who cares. Fuck off pal.”
Above is another video from the vault. I don’t think it’s that good, but it does kinda give you a perspective into the world of Human Resource recruiters. Plus, my one co-worker walked by and saw me taping myself and his look is precious. He was the real hardcore go-getter who never really accomplished his goals though and wasn’t a good recruiter, so his work ethic made up for his lack of talent.
