DAY 136: Write 4 clever malapropisms.
1. Now we’re cooking with olive oil.
2. Don’t let your winnings go to your head, or your failures go to the dealer.
3. Guns don’t kill people — pupils do.
4. Persuasion is reality.
DAY 88: Pick a bit that’s not up to speed and either fix it or throw it away.
Former:
COUNTRY MUSIC AWARD SHOWS - Doesn’t it feel like Country music has like 30 award shows, right.
Latter:
COUNTRY MUSIC AWARD SHOWS - Hands up, who likes country music. Yeah alright. Yeah! Christ this chick loves it. Yeah…yeah! C’mon give it up for country! Yeah!! Yeah! I fucking hate it. Doesn’t it feel like Country music has like 30 award shows, right. Like there’s one a month. I mean for being the shittiest category of music right behind Gospel, they sure like to pat themselves on the damn back all year long. I feel like, it’s in a way, a reason for them to be like (hillbilly accent) “Hey, people forget who the fuck we are.” “Well call up CMT and tell them to have an award show. Fuck it.” I mean if it weren’t for American Idol, you probably wouldn’t have much going on. Now don’t get me wrong, I dig the old school country artists. Johnny Cash and shit. But these assholes nowadays look like they’re trying to be the dad who’s just been divorced, going through a middle-aged crisis and is starting to date the daughter’s 19 year old friend from high school. I mean these country dicks got frosted tips and soul patches. What the fuck…is this 1997? And they go around talking about growing up in the sink, meanwhile they’re driving around a 40 thousand dollar F-350 that’s got fucking robots driving it for you. Christ. The leader is that asshole Toby Keith. Oh, c’mon. How can you boo me when you know this guy dresses like he’s a cross between Axel Rose and Guy Fieri. And he’s supposed to be country. Yeah OK. He’s about as country as George Bush. (or you could say ‘as country as Larry the Cable Guy. Yeah, I don’t wanna burst your bubble, but Larry’s last name isn’t really Cable Guy. His name’s Dan Whitney.’).
Above is my comedy standup set from this past Sunday. I was a little drunk.
DAY 75: Create a character profile for someone you think might make a good character.
1. Steve Zvara, aka, Zarhead of King Zar: Male, 30. Looks like a semi-Incredible Hulk and carries his persona and bravado to match.
Sociology
-Occupation: Jack-of-All Trades
-Birthplace/upbringing: Brunswick, OH
-Past/present home life: Lived in trailer that was parked outside his mom’s house
-Hobbies: Kicking ass and scoring with bitches; flying jets
-Work history: Where do we start?
-Education: It’s a mystery, but he’ll tell ya he’s the smartest man in the world
-Ethnic roots: Slovakian meets Muay Thai
-Political views: Democratic, Republican? Fuck no, he’s got own party - Zarcentrican. It’s who lets him get away with kicking some ass
-Affiliations: Czech-Slovak Protective Society
-Work environment: He makes it uneasy for anyone around him
-Criminal record: In and out of run-ins with the law his whole life. But no one can catch Steve. Biggest run-in was when he got caught turfing a neighbor’s lawn and driving over the neighbor’s garbage cans
-Religion: King Zarism
-Social status: Hunter-Gatherer (hunting and gathering broads)
-Private life: Enjoys beatin off to anime porn and arts & crafts on Sundays
-Personal life: Loves hitting on chicks and then hitting them when they step outta line
Physiology
-Height/weight: 5’11”/210 Lbs.
-Appearance: Stout body, perfect for getting underneath his opponents so he can take them down with ease
-Defects/scars: Gash across his chest from self-inflicted drunken night out with some strippers (he’s always showin off)
-Clothing: Shit-kickers, wife beater and Wranglers boot cut; he owns many low-cut shirts
-Build/figure: Stout like a defensive lineman
-Hair/eyes: Short brown hair/red (inserts contacts each morning)
-Health/strength: Fucked up a little from the steroid abuse/Can lift a car on a bad day
-Physical skills: Limestone, quartzite, uranium…if it’s in his way, he’s punching through it
-Attractiveness: Is this a trick question?
-Voice quality: Bass with a little raspy. A “yackity yack, machine gun” laugh
-Complexion: Overly tanned
-Athletic ability: If there are 29 sports in the Summer Olympic Games and 37 disciplines, Zar competes in 300 sports and over 600 disciplines
Psychology
-Fears/phobias: Old people, not having enough lard in the kitchen, albino dudes and spiders; intense fear of failure
-Prejudices: Everyone is a n**ger, for irony; black girls are a challenge (a challenge he is willing to accept)
-Pet peeves: The last dip in his chewing tobacco is too small for a nice pinch; oiling up for a bodybuilding contest - those cheaters
-Superstitions: He chooses to drive from the passenger side because the “people in Europe got it right”
-Ambitions: To open his own prison
-Personal problems: Overly drinks pure grain alcohol because he likes the taste; inhaling cigars (cigarettes are for girls)
-Intelligence: CIA material; it’s like the Internet is in his brain
-Secrets: Knows the exact location of the missing escapees of Alcatraz, has hung out and won at 7 card stud with Hassan Izz-Al-Din, Ali Atwa, Saif Al-Adel and Abdul Rahman Yasin
-Values/beliefs: If it’s moving, it’s in my way; if it has tits, fuck it!
-Complexes: Can’t figure out the 987,465th digit of Pi
-Habits: Sleeps with a 12 gauge tucked between his legs because “the pillows aren’t cool on any of the sides”; showers 5x a day (to get rid of evidence)
-Motivations: To be the first Green Beret who Navy Sealed his way through the Special Forces
-Imagination: Willy Wonka ain’t got shit on him
-Attitudes: Hates hipsters, solo musicians, VanDamme, Schwartzenegger, Diesel, Johnson
-Inhibitions: Can’t seem to shake his passion for Motley Crue; once started a tribute band
-Addictions: Kicking too much ass; making everyone around him uncomfortable, yet undermined at the same time
-Moral stands: No making fun of midgets
-Temperament: Watch out mutherfuker
-Likes/dislikes: Likes county commissioners, hates mayors; likes implants/strippers/porn stars (they are professionals/experts in their craft/field), hates weak people like children and the elderly because they “can’t carry their own weight”
Editor’s note from Zar: The first U.S. Women’s National Physique Championship, promoted by Henry McGhee and held in Canton, Ohio in 1978 - STEVE WAS THERE IN HIS MOTHER’S WOMB
Because we heard the great news that our film “Dale Archdale: Private Dick to the Stars” was accepted into the 12th Annual Cape Fear Film Festival, I decided to post the teaser trailer of the movie above.
DAY 61: Fat Tuesday is coming up! Write a bit about it.
Well, Fat Tuesday was last week but fuck it. Here we go.
FAT TUESDAY: Ah yes, the 2nd favorite holiday for us gluttons. I like to call it Big-Boned Tuesday, really. I mean who doesn’t like to devote a day to officially being an overweight and ignorant American? It’s the best. Grab a dozen paczki and sprinkle some powder all over your head, then shake it in glory! Today’s the day where when someone says “You shouldn’t eat all that, think of the hungry people”, you take a donut hole and try to hit her eye from across the room. When someone says “Oh, I can’t because of my diabetes,” you take a piece of pizza, blot the top of it, and smack it onto his face until it sticks to them. If someone says “I can’t because of my Weight Watcher’s points,” hold that person into locked position and force feed Gouda down her throat. If a skinny person mocks you on this day, take off your shirt and stare at them with your best rapist face. Then continue to smear Nutella on your nipples. Then dip a cookie over that Nutella to clean it off your chest. Then eat half the cookie. Take the other half and put that into some milk. Blend the milk with raw eggs and drink it in front of that dumbass. Celebrate your fat scars, baby! It’s our day!
Above is a 2nd prank phone call video to Walmart.
DAY 42: Pick a bit. Try to write a topper for them—not tags, but full-blown jokes that improve the bit by being there.
A topper is a joke that comes after a joke. The topper tends to be funnier than the previous joke. These 2 bits than link together to help improve your overall set.
Original Joke:
RELEASE PARTIES: Saw the Playstation 3 price went down. Still cant afford it. I mean I gotta cash in grandma’s bonds and refi just to be able to make the down payment on this fukin thing. Meanwhile some untalented 16 year old pop shithead is singing about puppies and hula hoops walking around with diamond shoelaces that cost more than my old man made at GM working for over 30 years, is getting these Playstations two @ a time at some asanine release party…and why do we have release parties…DVD release parties, CD release parties…some people in Canada are still having VHS release parties…soon they’re gonna be like “Hey! Lets have a release party, Swingline’s gotta new stapler comin out…My Indian neighbor just invited me over to his release party of the new curry spice that’s gonna stink up my apt. hallway… And in case any of u ladies are interested, I brought some KY Jelly so u can meet me in the stall and we can go have our own little release party.
Topper:
TENTING LIKE A MORON: It’s terrible how much these gaming systems cost. I mean some some people are sitting outside for days waiting for the next best thing. These fuckin morons are out there in tents on a Wednesday and the system doesn’t even go on sale till Friday. The best is that half these idiots are waiting for absolutely nothing! You got 100 people in tents with only 30 Wii’s available for sale. No food or water for the majority of them. They gotta have idiots making Taco Bell runs cause they lost in rock paper scissors. You better hope somebody in line is Red Bulled up and stayin awake, so you assholes don’t get killed. Cause in some of those random Texas towns people are getting killed by either other assholes in line or by the hillbillies who live near the damn Best Buy. I can see the hillbillies now. They come running outta the mountains and while everyone’s all zonked out at 4 AM, they start gnawing on your hairline. The dad’s looking at his inbred son (imitate hillbilly) “you better eat that arm there boy, cause those city folks ain’t waking up. Yes father.” Next thing you know you’re waking up and BA-LOW! You get a shotgun to the face. Then we’re all reading about 17 people dead and eaten at a Best Buy and cops got no traces. But good news! There’s plenty of Wii’s available!
