I grew up in the snow. I had an automatic starter on my truck because it was so frigid up north in the winter. And it lasts for half the year! Snow in April! Check out the above video I made before leaving Cleveland back in ‘06, to get an idea.
DROPPING CUBES - I feel like the deformed Fratelli brother, in the Goonies whenever I drop an ice cube out of the freezer and it cracks in half! I’m like “GRRRRRRR!”
DROPPING CUBES -I feel like the deformed Fratelli brother, in the Goonies whenever I drop an ice cube out of the freezer and it cracks in half! I’m like “GRRRRRRR!” In the summer down south, ice is a commodity. Shit’s as expensive as a gallon of milk. I hate it because our water is naturally hot out of the faucet down here in the summer, so it’s like super slow motion, twixtor shit when the ice is falling. I feel like I’m a fire crotch trying to catch melanoma. I’m like “nooooooo” (imitate slow motion and go after the cube) as I make a diving catch in centerfield for the ice.
DAY 181: Write a comedy piece about your mode of transportation.
HIGHWAY RUBBERNECKERS - On the highway, in the morning…where does a backup start? Who is the idiot that decided “well, I’m gonna start slowing down right about…(look left and act like ur driving)…here!” as he slams on his brakes. Most of the time its because of something else; and we all know I’m not talking about an accident or a pullover…nope! No. I’m talking about the idiot old people who do it for a hobby. Some old people, and I’m not shitting ya, actually get up, turn off their alarm, put in their dentures and set afoot—purposely to fuck up traffic. And then when they do get out there, they cause all the accidents; either by themselves or from other people who were frustrated by the old people driving. And then when the accident does occur, you get all the rubberneckers who gotta “STOOOP and LOOOK.” And its never anything ever good. I’ve never seen a severed head, or a leg hanging from the antenna. Hell, I’ve never even seen a car on FIRE! Well that’s not true, I did live in LA for 3 years. I think they should have a blinking sign ahead of you that tells us there’s “no body parts” so people wont slow down. Meanwhile I’m behind this guy and I’m pulling my hair out (do it!), honking (do it!), and he finally gets a move on. But then I realize I didn’t see the pullover, sooooo…I gotta slam on my breaks!
DAY164: Write a comedy bit about a summer experience.
So the summer’s coming! Yeah! I feel like we’re constantly in summer down here in the ILM. It’s like living in LA. No seasons! Sure, we get a little chilly once in awhile between December and February, but it’s just long sleeve weather. It’s not like we’re pulling out the snow plows and loading the sand bags in the back of our trucks. Down here, we complain during the summer. Our summer is the northerner’s winter. It’s the extreme. Could you imagine living back in the Revolutionary days when they didn’t have AC? People probably getting crazy ideas in their heads, getting all loopy and shit from the heat. They start doing the weird stares while looking at other people, giving em cannibal looks. Like “Mmm, this heat’s making me wanna nibble on some your face cheeks.” People are probably getting in fights over dumb shit like who has the better horseshoes on their horses or whose kite looks more patriotic. Heat in the south is something you don’t fuck with. However, the south has found a solution to this problem. Just move slower. Don’t work too too hard. The pace down here makes a snail look like Tyson Gay and Oprah look like Speedy Gonzalez. We like to just hang indoors and not ruffle too many feathers during the summer in NC. And that’s the way us southerners like it.
DAY 76: Pick the thing you’re most sensitive about and make it funny.
One of the things I’m most sensitive about is shitty commercials and shitty actors. I hate when I’m in a crowd of people and they’re like “what’s that chick’s name on the Progressive commercials?” and in my head I’m like “Fukin Flo, that dumb broad” and everyone in the group is like “Oh, oh, oh, what’s her name?! I can’t remember, but she’s such a ham! She’s so quirky and funny” and in my head I’m like “Really, really!? C’mooooon.” It just gets my blood pressure going. But I choose to sit there and not say anything even if I know the answer’s Flo. I choose to watch them all pull out their iPhones and start Safaring that shit. Same goes with bad actors. “Oh, I think that fat kid who got skinny who was in Moneyball is funny” or “That Drew Barrymore is one of my favorites.” DA FUK? First off, again, I ain’t tellin ya who the fat Jewish kid is and secondly, I am not going to go on one of my tangents about Barrymore where I start saying “thanks daddy, thanks grampa” because then I look like the Debbie Downer and party pooper who wants to get confrontational about how lucky and yet untalented she really is. It drives me CRAZY! I swear I get anxiety when I watch anything on Bravo or when I see that stupid ass Canadian model who can’t act her way out of a nutsack (T-Mobile pinky). I gotta admit, I’m passionate about this shit and it is one of the many factors in the world that gets me “up here!” but I know how the background and pre-production shit works and it makes me mad that we have genius shows like Seinfeld that work tirelessly at making it good. Making it so good that you’re like “god dam, you gotta be Canadian NOT to like that show!” Talent reigns. People like Larry Charles rule. Because they get it. That’s all I ask. If you get to the level like a Barrymore where you’re held to a higher standard and you’re on the world’s platform, than you should get it. And I doubt anyone who goes on Letterman and says “yeah, the movie is real magical” just doesn’t have a clue. Here Drew, here’s an 1804 Silver Dollar…go buy a fucking clue.
DAY 47: Read your old material. Is there any salvageable comedy there?
I wrote this bit back in 2006 and am apparently trying to resurrect it only because Appendix B told me so. Let’s go!
SUNGLASSES INDOORS: I wanna party with the non-blind guys that where sunglasses indoors. Doesn’t that guy always look like he has something going on much better than anything you got? I mean, why else would he be wearing sunglasses indoor for? Obviously, he has information that you don’t have…and you need!
SUNGLASSES INDOORS: I wanna party with the non-blind guys that where sunglasses indoors. Doesn’t that guy always look like he has something going on much better than anything you got? Like he’s got it all figured out. I mean, why else would he be wearing sunglasses indoor for? Obviously, he has information that you don’t have…and you need! And isn’t it always the same guy at the office that you wanna hang out with, but you cant cause your “numbers aren’t up there.” You know, the same guy who’s always wearing headbands and wristbands to company softball games, with the matching baseball pants, doing headslides into home. You just wanna be like “hey man, it’s only company softball.” This is the same guy that’s all about “the team” and strives to cut costs and save the company money, meanwhile i’m in the supply closet tryin to steal as many white out pens I can jam in my slacks and I’m padding my overtime. (THINK OUT LOUD): “Overtime. Riiiiight.” But I love it when that guy gets braces, because then he goes from scotch cool to baileys cool (CALLBACK).
DAY 39: Rework an old bit that you want to work better.
LIMITED EDITION DVDs: People buy collectible $149 LIMITED EDITION DVDs…you know its like, “oh my GOD! Matrix Jesus Christ edition? With the collectible Easter eggs included? And LOOK at the box design! It’s got marble encrusted casing and it comes with free fireworks that explode when you open it…now I’m definitely buyin it!” Then you take it home and enjoy the struggle to open it and enjoy reading the novel that comes inside that talks about everything you don’t care about…and then you put it on the shelf and you look at it and then you organize it into DVD protocol and look at it some more…(pause)…then u sit there and watch the Netflix you rented…
LIMITED EDITION DVDs: You ever go into Best Buy and take a look at some of these limited edition DVDs? I mean I rarely, if ever, actually go into Best Buy anyway, but I was coerced into it one day last week. I go in there and there’s the show Planet Earth. It’s a DVD collection that actually comes in a giant planet earth looking thing. $149 bucks. People actually buy these collectible $149 LIMITED EDITION DVDs! You know its like, “Holy shit! Matrix “Jesus Christ” edition? With the collectible Easter eggs included? And LOOK at the box design, it’s got marble encrusted casing with fucking fireworks that explode when you open it! Oh man, I’m fucking buyin this!” Right? Then you take it home and then put it on the shelf and you look at it and then you organize it into DVD protocol behind all the regular DVDs because this thing towers over all the rest of em…and you look at it some more…(beat)…then you get it for Christmas 2 years later because you fucking forgot you had it already.
I know, I need a bigger payoff. Still working this bit a bit.