DAY 181: Write a comedy piece about your mode of transportation.

HIGHWAY RUBBERNECKERS - On the highway, in the morning…where does a backup start?  Who is the idiot that decided “well, I’m gonna start slowing down right about…(look left and act like ur driving)…here!”  as he slams on his brakes. Most of the time its because of something else; and we all know I’m not talking about an accident or a pullover…nope!  No.  I’m talking about the idiot old people who do it for a hobby.  Some old people, and I’m not shitting ya, actually get up, turn off their alarm, put in their dentures and set afoot—purposely to fuck up traffic.  And then when they do get out there, they cause all the accidents; either by themselves or from other people who were frustrated by the old people driving.  And then when the accident does occur, you get all the rubberneckers who gotta “STOOOP and LOOOK.” And its never anything ever good. I’ve never seen a severed head, or a leg hanging from the antenna.  Hell, I’ve never even seen a car on FIRE! Well that’s not true, I did live in LA for 3 years.  I think they should have a blinking sign ahead of you that tells us there’s “no body parts” so people wont slow down.  Meanwhile I’m behind this guy and I’m pulling my hair out (do it!), honking (do it!), and he finally gets a move on.  But then I realize I didn’t see the pullover, sooooo…I gotta slam on my breaks!

DAY 176: Go over your material and update everything.

Done. Here’s a video from the series Battlefield Friends I starred in from the Hank & Jed Productions crew. Funny guys and funny to work with!

DAY 171: Edit some of your older material.

Former:

PLANNING AHEAD - Nowadays, you gotta plan everything. “Yeah, let’s get together.” “Sure, yeah”. Oh OK. Unless you put it in your calendar, it ain’t gonna happen. You gotta plan everything in life. Especially eating. I plan all my meals out for the week. What, I gotta go spend $50 at the Teeter for fruits and vegetables and you’re like “crap, I gotta eat this shit now. They’re gonna go bad in 3 days.” You end up eatin more than you usually should just to keep up with the expiration dates are coming up fast.  Vegetables keep you on your feet. “Babe, we’re eating asparagus tuesday. Use those avocados for some guac on Wednesday, we’re doing zucchini squares on friday.” I’m like can I put this flounder on top of my milkshake as a garnish?  What do these 2 do together? (show me mashing my fists together). I set my fridge up like a god dam triage unit…(EXPAND ON THIS)…

Latter:

PLANNING AHEAD - Nowadays, you gotta plan everything. “Yeah, let’s get together.” “Sure, yeah”. Oh OK. Unless you put it in your calendar, it ain’t gonna happen. You gotta plan everything in life. Especially eating. I plan all my meals out for the week. What, I gotta go spend $50 at the Teeter for fruits and vegetables and you’re like “crap, I gotta eat this shit now. They’re gonna go bad in 3 days.” You end up eatin more than you usually should just to keep up with the expiration dates are coming up fast.  Vegetables keep you on your feet. “Babe, we’re eating asparagus Tuesday. Use those avocados for some guac on Wednesday, we’re doing zucchini squares on Friday.” I’m like “Can I put this flounder on top of my milkshake as a garnish?  What do these two do together?” (show me mashing my fists together). I set my fridge up like a god dam triage unit.  “Get the watermelon out stat! We’ve got a mushy exterior and it ain’t gonna make it past 3:00!”  After we cut it up, we’re adding beef tips to it to make margaritas! I can’t have our food going bad.  You feel defeated when you’re throwing out the milk.  It’s like having a rare Shoeless Joe rookie card, putting it on your spoke, ripping it and failing at your kids’ college fund. No one needs this anxiety.  So thanks Harris Teeter, for making another worry in my life.  The life of a fresh food fanatic.

DAY 167: Watch a newscast and write topical jokes on the subjects they covered.

I chose the above newscast out of Los Angeles.  When I lived out there, I thought this news anchor was on point, so why not use him to mock some news stories.  Follow along.

1. Police are at a stand-off in Sylmar. In other news, business as usual in Los Angeles for the LAPD.

2. Medical marijuana dispensers could take another “hit” today as LA council tries to shut them down…by sprinkling in some hash and giving them a 6 pack.

3. Winter storms in other cities are causing flight delays at LAX. For those who don’t know what a winter storm is, it’s when the Southland has rain in December.

4. Chemical Ali was executed today.  Looks like Satan is up for a busy weekend.

5. Storm watch today as powerful storms slam into Southern CA.  We are expecting at least a huge inch and some picnic delays.

6. Coverage of the Haiti earthquake continues as our very own SoCal firefighters are gearing up to head over there and help in the rescue mission.  In more important news, the Kardashians were spotted today hanging out in public as usual. Let’s go live to Sunset.

7. Make sure you take blankets in your car, don’t drive if you don’t have to and pack some water, flashlights and some food during this storm watch, because conditions are pretty tough today…they’re saying there’s extra splashing happening in all area pools, causing some flooding around your beach chaise lounge chairs.

DAY 153: Come up with 5 new ideas to work on.

1. Wifey material and about how you know you’re bad when you rush into the bathroom and ask your wife to make some food for you while she’s cleaning the toilet. “Oh I see you’re busy…well can you make it after you get done scrubbing my piss off the seat?”

2. I feel like the deformed Fratelli brother in Goonies whenever I drop an ice cube out of the freezer and it cracks in half! I’m like “GRRRRRRR!”

3. Imitate a 1940’s standup comedian talking about “So I heard prohibition over.  I think all women belong behind a Singer. Sew, bitch, sew!”

4. Don’t you hate going to your wife’s friend’s cocktail party and you decide to dump during the party and you leave a shit stain? That’s funny!

5. Do you think people are still inventing cities?

DAY 150: Spend two hours fixing one joke.

I really don’t have time to do that today.  I’ve been camping all weekend.  I will spend 2 hours though working on the screenplay today and 30 minutes on a joke.

Here’s a new joke though.

COMBOS: Combos…where has all your filling gone?  I miss the old days growing up when we had combos filled up with cheese like schlong juice/man chowder/baby batter in Richard Simmons’ asshole… they’re like double stuffed Oreos…they need to bring it back.  I get it, they wanna save money.  Alright, then take out 4 combos from the pack to allot for the extra juice in the middle of the remaining combos.  Everyone loves combos, they’re the best snack! You’re on a road trip with your buddy, he says he’s hungry, I say “we ain’t stopping at McDonalds because I’m too fucking cheap to double stop after I grab gas, so grab something at the gas station!” What’s he get?  Combos.  Unless he’s in a dessert mood, then he’ll nab up some Krispy Kremes. But if you’re going salt, you’re going combos.

DAY 145: Father’s Day is about three weeks away! Start fixing up this material now.

My ole man is awesome.  He’s such a character.  I enjoy living close to him these days and being able to hang out with him and golf once a month, at least.  I love going to places with him where there’s a small issue with something and watching him get riled up. I’ll be like “sorry, my dad hates when you run out of cocktail sauce, as you can tell” or “sorry, my dad likes the spot right next to the entrance, and you were in his way.”  He’ll also say these little gems that you have to catch about day-to-day life.  He loves rippin on morons, as do I.  He also loves baggin on bad sports, as do I.  He enjoys getting fired up over shitty commercials, shows and movies, as do I.  Come to think about it, I would actually consider myself a Jr. Bob.  I feel like I’ve adapted all my mannerisms and behavioral patterns from my dad.  I get overheated at the drop of a dime, I hate when it’s cart path only and I can’t stand cop shows where a broad is pulling out a gun. With all that being said, I’m gonna work on some good bits about my ole man, because I think the world would enjoy his humor as I’ve come to do.  More about this coming soon enough.

Also, above is a video featuring my ole man watching our favorite Ohio State Buckeyes play the Michigan Wolverines.  This is where I get my sports passion from, FYI.

DAY 142: Clip a picture from today’s newspaper. Write a funny caption for it.

“This stocky stuff is really bananas.  B-A-N-A-N-A-S! I’m gonna go buy some stocky stuff though because an event told me to.”

DAY 139: Write something funny about sex without making it dirty.

I remember the first time I learned about sex.  It was early in my youth.  I was told I had to do it because my parents told me so.  I had to get up early too to do it.  I remember old guys teaching me about it.  They would stand in front of us and show us how to join in this experience.  I remember I had to dress up for it.  I remember I could talk about it to anyone I wanted to, because that’s how I was raised.  Then I was told I had to do it at school once a month or so.  It became apart of me and I still practice it today.  Although I would like to engage in it more often than I do, it still is easy to do once I get back into it.  I hate the people who only do it on holidays.  Gotta run, time for Communion!

DAY 137: Organize your premises.

Done. New meme.

DAY 132: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

The word today I am choosing is recondite.  It means “mysterious” and is a synonym for “secrecy”.  When pursuing the film industry, I come to find many people I meet are very secretive about what they’re working on and who they know.  I understand the legality aspect as well as the competitive aspect, so I am not blaming them.  I just hate it when it’s friends.  People who come over and get haircuts from my wife and leave saying “Yeah, we’ll get together, it’ll be so fun!” Sure. Or people who only reach out to you when they need something.  And then when we inquire about a fucking email address for a new production in town, they act aloof.  “Oh, well I’ll keep ya posted.” Yeah, OK.  It’s a game and we all have to play it.  But stop coming over for cheap (or FREE!) haircuts or borrowing shit if we don’t talk to you until you need something, ya fucking dinks.  That’s why I try to surround myself with a few different people, so I don’t get clicky or clingy.  And I don’t “hide” shit.  What’s the point? We’re all in this together and if it’s supposed to happen, it will.  If it doesn’t, move on.  I can’t count the number of times productions have come and gone without being apart of it.  Sure, you try your best to get on it, but if it don’t happen, let it go.  More shit will come.  Show up, be nice, work hard and leave.  I’m not gonna hide shit from people I like to hang out with, but if you continually hide shit from me when I point blank ask about it, then stop borrowing my shit.  I catch on pretty quick if people use me.

DAY 131: Write a comedic obituary for yourself.

Matthew Warzel, 85

Former Cleveland, OH resident Matthew R. Warzel, 85, died November 1, 2065, at his home in Phuket, Thailand.

At his request, no service will be held.

Mr. Warzel was born Oct. 15, 1980, in Parma, OH, to Robert and Patricia Warzel.

Matthew was very lazy because he got too used to the southern heat.  He realized that’s what made the south so great and far behind in their ways…because it’s “too damn hot to do anything,” he would always joke.

Mr. Warzel became a General in the Canadian World Guard after the infamous Nutty Butty Galaxy attack by the Zeta Reticulans Grays in 2026. While there, he invented the space horseback and implemented the metric system during the civilization formation on the Cloud 6 space station. This was off and on during his tenure as lazyman in North Carolina.

He worked many years for Amtrak and for Exxon during the Planet Arg oil spill as their communications specialist.

Mr. Warzel spent more than 50 years off and on in North Carolina. He and his wife, Jamie, built their home in Burgaw, NC and enjoyed many wonderfully sweaty summers there together. Both from sex and the God blessed heat!

He is survived by his wife of 59 years, Jamie; daughter, DebraLee and son, Kashmale.

Condolences may be sent to Fresh Seafood Market, Rattanakosin 200 Year Road, Phuket City, Thailand.

DAY 126: Make any dialogue you’ve written sound more natural.

I feel that my dialogue tends to be natural.  My issue is that I need more comedy techniques and formulas in my writing.  I don’t want to be OK or even good at comedy writing, but GREAT.  So as I continue to embark in educating myself and growing as a writer, I feel that this task today is redundant in essence, so I will challenge myself today to add more comic structure into my screenwriting.  I already marked another daily task to do one small piece of writing using some of the comedy formulas I’ve been reading about.

DAY 116: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

The word I am choosing is Disinclination. It means lack of enthusiasm.

With the 2012 NFL Draft creeping up, I have to make an admission.  This is the first time in years as far back as I can remember, that I’m already bummed about it.  The Cleveland Browns have let us down so severely last year, that I almost want to not watch it at all.  I do have plans Thursday night as I am attending The Cape Fear Film Fest (come see Dale Archdale at 8:00 PM @ the Browncoat Theater if you can among other films).  But would I skip it even if we had the number 1 pick overall? Probably not. But I sure as shit would be monitoring the draft on my phone.  But I probably will just casually glance at the alerts I’ll set.  But I am not as excited as I usually would be solely because our owner is a twit.  A dink.  A moron. A daddy’s boy.  He is pathetic and should be banned from entering the states on his return from Aston Villa. In any case, it has left me with lack of enthusiasm for this year’s draft and that’s a shame.  Too many of us Clevelanders are die-hard NFL fans, let alone Browns fans and we deserve better than this.

105: Write a bit from a child’s perspective.

Instead of an actual bit, I wanna write a list you see in viral emails pertaining to your youth.

10 THINGS YOU REMEMBER IF YOU WERE BORN IN 1980

1. You purposely tried to kill off your settlers in “Oregon Trail” on the Apple IIe, along with killing as much cattle as you could.

2. You remember how awkward it was to try to dance to Nirvana’s cover of “Lake of Fire” at the 7th grade mixer.

3. You created very colorful and wonderous penises using Lite-Brite.

4. Killer Clowns from Outer Space were the best special effects you’d ever seen up to that point.

5. You wished Spuds MacKenzie was your actual dog.

6. Saturday morning cartoons actually existed and the morning ended with Saved By the Bell at 11.

7. You remember eating Big Mixx cereal, loved it, and hated when they discontinued it.

8. You took your mini Mask figures and put them under your school desk to see how much worse you could fuck them up over your friends’ Mask figures.

9. The nerds were actually only cool, for at most 3 days, when they got the new Casio calculator watch.

10. Disposable cameras was a treat and you had to monitor how many and what type of pictures you were going to take.