DAY 144: Write about something that makes you happy.

There are many things that put a smile on my face.  But today I will be talking about the one thing on my mind lately that’s put me in good spirits.  I’m talking about my brother.  I rarely see him, actually only about once a year, but I got a chance to hang out with him this past weekend and it was great.  He’s very funny and I draw a lot of inspiration from him.  I think we would be even closer if we were closer in age (I’m 31, he’s 43), but I’ll take what I can get.  He’s funny.  We went out to eat at a Tiki bar on Saturday and golfed on Sunday, and I laughed the whole time through.  He definitely makes me happy and I’m looking forward to hanging with him again in July.  It’s great to have me and him together along with my parents…it’s a little makeshift Christmas in May.  Plus we got to talk Pink Floyd concerts, Iron Man 3 and the Browns.  Good time. Good laughs.  Good memories.

DAY 132: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

The word today I am choosing is recondite.  It means “mysterious” and is a synonym for “secrecy”.  When pursuing the film industry, I come to find many people I meet are very secretive about what they’re working on and who they know.  I understand the legality aspect as well as the competitive aspect, so I am not blaming them.  I just hate it when it’s friends.  People who come over and get haircuts from my wife and leave saying “Yeah, we’ll get together, it’ll be so fun!” Sure. Or people who only reach out to you when they need something.  And then when we inquire about a fucking email address for a new production in town, they act aloof.  “Oh, well I’ll keep ya posted.” Yeah, OK.  It’s a game and we all have to play it.  But stop coming over for cheap (or FREE!) haircuts or borrowing shit if we don’t talk to you until you need something, ya fucking dinks.  That’s why I try to surround myself with a few different people, so I don’t get clicky or clingy.  And I don’t “hide” shit.  What’s the point? We’re all in this together and if it’s supposed to happen, it will.  If it doesn’t, move on.  I can’t count the number of times productions have come and gone without being apart of it.  Sure, you try your best to get on it, but if it don’t happen, let it go.  More shit will come.  Show up, be nice, work hard and leave.  I’m not gonna hide shit from people I like to hang out with, but if you continually hide shit from me when I point blank ask about it, then stop borrowing my shit.  I catch on pretty quick if people use me.

DAY 131: Write a comedic obituary for yourself.

Matthew Warzel, 85

Former Cleveland, OH resident Matthew R. Warzel, 85, died November 1, 2065, at his home in Phuket, Thailand.

At his request, no service will be held.

Mr. Warzel was born Oct. 15, 1980, in Parma, OH, to Robert and Patricia Warzel.

Matthew was very lazy because he got too used to the southern heat.  He realized that’s what made the south so great and far behind in their ways…because it’s “too damn hot to do anything,” he would always joke.

Mr. Warzel became a General in the Canadian World Guard after the infamous Nutty Butty Galaxy attack by the Zeta Reticulans Grays in 2026. While there, he invented the space horseback and implemented the metric system during the civilization formation on the Cloud 6 space station. This was off and on during his tenure as lazyman in North Carolina.

He worked many years for Amtrak and for Exxon during the Planet Arg oil spill as their communications specialist.

Mr. Warzel spent more than 50 years off and on in North Carolina. He and his wife, Jamie, built their home in Burgaw, NC and enjoyed many wonderfully sweaty summers there together. Both from sex and the God blessed heat!

He is survived by his wife of 59 years, Jamie; daughter, DebraLee and son, Kashmale.

Condolences may be sent to Fresh Seafood Market, Rattanakosin 200 Year Road, Phuket City, Thailand.

DAY 130: Edit some of your older material.

Former:

ANAL FISSURE: Did you ever notice what or how much you ate based off of how your asshole feels?

Latter:

ANAL FISSURE: Did you ever notice what or how much you ate based off of how your asshole feels? Gay guys, time for you to head to the bar on this one.  I mean if I’m eating fruits and vegetables, asshole feels nice and tight.  I eat taco bell at 2 AM, next day I’m shittin my brains out and my asshole feels like a god damn Gynocologist was speculummin my ass, literally. I once got a thing called an anal fisher.  Now this happens when you completely hit rock bottom on your diet.  This is a nice little reminder in the form of a hard skin tags that tells ya “slow down” every time you’re takin a dump. I swear, hemroids were created by God as a deterrent to jumbo Rally’s BBQ cowboy burgers at 1 AM on a Wednesday.

DAY 128: Research and make contact with four new potential markets for your work.

1. Improv Troupe Members - We are officially an improve troupe and I have networked with some other folks looking to be apart of it. More details coming in June about the project.

2. Susan Savia - She provided some music for my short film “Change” and has asked me to do a music video for her.  This will be a new experience that I’m looking forward to doing.

3. Madden Meiners/Jeff Branch - Fellow filmmakers I met at the Cape Fear Film Fest and are interested in collaborating on a short film project.

4. Oliver Mellan - Local filmmaker that produces some interesting short films for a local company.

DAY 125: Write a comedy essay on something you’re passionate about.

I love golf. It’s the only sport I’m assuming I’m gonna play when I’m old as shit. It’s the sport that bonds me and my dad.  It’s the most prestigious of all sports.  I’m a sports nut and I’ll watch anything.  My top 3 events to attend live, in order, are an NFL Browns game, Nascar, then a PGA event.  I’ve been to 2 US Opens and will be attending my 1st PGA Championship this August.  I can’t get enough of the game.  I swear my emotions range more on the golf course than they ever did while recruiting candidates.  When I recruited candidates, my sway of emotion ranged from having one of my people get hired to having one of my employees being fired.  On the golf course? Let’s see…well I could easily get a “snowman” on a Par 3 or I could have a chance for my 2nd eagle and miss it by an inch.  Golf is good and if you don’t like it or want to try it out, then good.  I hate booked up tee times and playing behind slow people like you casual assholes.  For us golfers who “get it”, I’ll see you at your local Brunswick County course soon enough (I gotta use up my First Tee card before 12/31).  Oh yeah, that reminds me, golfing a week before Christmas and then going back home to Cleveland and bragging about playing a week before Christmas, might be the greatest lines of dialogue I get to say out loud all year.

DAY 123: Write a bit about college.

I had a roommate in college that was an odd guy.  He would lock me out when he’d beat off.  But the funny thing is, is that he would play music, dim the lights, light some candles and lotion himself up with various oils and creams.  Like it’s a god dam Aztec ritual or something. I mean, he would lock me out and I’d actually hear this eclectic, worldly, Hindu twang music (imitate music).  When I crank one out, it’s like 2 minutes.  It took him up to 3 hours! What the hell is going on in there? Is he performing some sacrifice with his boner as the little lambey? “I hearby commence that the sacrificial woody will be dispensed with this renounced load.” I’d literally be waiting in our neighbor’s room until the ceremony was over.  I’d come in and be like “it took you over an hour to a Maxim?” Christ, if you’re gonna treat this like it’s a day of observance, can’t you at least pop on a Salt & Peppa video and make it worth the wait?

DAY 121: Reedit some of your older material.

Former:

HISTORICAL WILMINGTON - Wilmington’s a nice, old town.  Nice blend of youth and tradition.

Latter:

HISTORICAL WILMINGTON - Wilmington’s a nice, old town.  Nice blend of youth and tradition.  I love how these college kids are coming outta bars all hammered and they end up puking all over the street.  You wonder “he just yacked where a revolutionary war soldier mighta died”.  Then you got the girl pissing in the alley and wonder “did General Lee’s horse take a shit there too?”  You know George Washington probably slept where the girl is getting fucked by the black dude she just met at Goodfellas.

DAY 118: Make a list of the funniest-sounding words you want to weave into your writing.

Cheese

Shoe

Poop

Eggie

Chicken

Niggle

Canoodle

Lollygag

Chop Suey

Boof

Bumblebee

Cahoots

Gobbledygook

Kumquat

Snorkel

Periwinkle

Rickshaw

Pickles

Sassafras

Schnitzel

Winkle-Pickers

Dandelion

Gleek

Corndog

Booby

Celery

Turtle

Schnauzer

Cobbledick

Googler

Dollop

Balloon

Shuttlecock

Donkey Dick

Handlebar Mustache

Giglet

Slippers

Knickers

Bunt

DAY 116: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

The word I am choosing is Disinclination. It means lack of enthusiasm.

With the 2012 NFL Draft creeping up, I have to make an admission.  This is the first time in years as far back as I can remember, that I’m already bummed about it.  The Cleveland Browns have let us down so severely last year, that I almost want to not watch it at all.  I do have plans Thursday night as I am attending The Cape Fear Film Fest (come see Dale Archdale at 8:00 PM @ the Browncoat Theater if you can among other films).  But would I skip it even if we had the number 1 pick overall? Probably not. But I sure as shit would be monitoring the draft on my phone.  But I probably will just casually glance at the alerts I’ll set.  But I am not as excited as I usually would be solely because our owner is a twit.  A dink.  A moron. A daddy’s boy.  He is pathetic and should be banned from entering the states on his return from Aston Villa. In any case, it has left me with lack of enthusiasm for this year’s draft and that’s a shame.  Too many of us Clevelanders are die-hard NFL fans, let alone Browns fans and we deserve better than this.

DAY 115: Look out your window. Write something funny about the first thing you see.

The first thing I see out of my window is my apartment.  I’m 31 and still don’t have a house.  Now I know it’s somewhat common in this economy, but as Jay Z puts it “being broke is childish and I’m quite grown.”  Jigga Man knows.  I feel defeated often because of where I am right now in my life, but at the same time, it’s been really promising lately. Obviously, when I look out my window, I see my piece of shit truck and it reminds me of my pauper bank account.  I see the squirrel who’s probably laughing at me for continuing to pursue my dream, but the damn squirrel is grey and black so what the hell does he know?  Maybe if it were a normal brown squirrel laughing in my face, it would hurt more.  I see some older folks in my apartment and wonder “will I be living here when I’m that age?”  But then I think, at least I didn’t lose $50K on a house I bought in the mid 00s and has since put me in the poor house like a friend of mine.  I think, it’s OK I still live as a renter.  Times are tough for everyone, so stop whining ya little bitch and get away from the window.

DAY 110: Edit some of your older material.

Usually I do a standup goal for these tasks, but I decided to do the Sexting Spoof today for this.  I won’t share it with you only because I am shooting it next week, so it will be shown shortly.

The chapter in this comedy writing book I am reading is having me complete some “Simple Truth” exercises.  Simple truths are formed by taking the literal meaning of a key word and using it to surprise the audience, who’s automatically interpreting the expression with its traditional reference.  An example is if someone says “call me a taxi,” the person responds with “okay, you’re a taxi.”  The exercise is to complete the cliche with my very own simple truth tag (or payoff line). I will attempt my own, then follow up the bottom with the one the book provided.

1. Every 12.5 seconds, some woman in the US is giving birth. And every 12.5 seconds, some woman in Afghanistan is creating death.

2. Boy: Are you free tonight? Girl: Depends on what you were looking to do.

3. My girlfriend was faithful to the end. Then we got on the highway and she started having phone sex with her other boyfriend.

4. We never serve women at the bar. We only let you eat sushi off their naked bodies.

5. Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon? Because the Illuminati were playing poker.

6. Cleanliness is next to godliness. If you pass Home Depot, you went too far.

7. Judge: The court awards your wife $200 a week for support. The rapper’s posse awarded her $200 a week for blowjobs.

Here are the sample pay-off lines the book provided:

1. Every 12.5 seconds, some woman in the US is giving birth. We’ve got to find that woman and stop her.

2. Boy: Are you free tonight? Girl: Of course, did I ever charge you?

3. My girlfriend was faithful to the end. Unfortunately I was the quarterback.

4. We never serve women at the bar. You’ll have to bring your own.

5. Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon? Because he was dead!

6. Cleanliness is next to godliness. No, in the dictionary, go-getter is next to godliness.

7. Judge: The court awards your wife $200 a week for support. Defendant: Gee, that’s very nice of you judge. I think I’ll throw in a few bucks myself.

105: Write a bit from a child’s perspective.

Instead of an actual bit, I wanna write a list you see in viral emails pertaining to your youth.

10 THINGS YOU REMEMBER IF YOU WERE BORN IN 1980

1. You purposely tried to kill off your settlers in “Oregon Trail” on the Apple IIe, along with killing as much cattle as you could.

2. You remember how awkward it was to try to dance to Nirvana’s cover of “Lake of Fire” at the 7th grade mixer.

3. You created very colorful and wonderous penises using Lite-Brite.

4. Killer Clowns from Outer Space were the best special effects you’d ever seen up to that point.

5. You wished Spuds MacKenzie was your actual dog.

6. Saturday morning cartoons actually existed and the morning ended with Saved By the Bell at 11.

7. You remember eating Big Mixx cereal, loved it, and hated when they discontinued it.

8. You took your mini Mask figures and put them under your school desk to see how much worse you could fuck them up over your friends’ Mask figures.

9. The nerds were actually only cool, for at most 3 days, when they got the new Casio calculator watch.

10. Disposable cameras was a treat and you had to monitor how many and what type of pictures you were going to take.

104: Write a bit using your least-expressed emotion.

My least expressed emotion is sadness.  I feel I have a high energy, ranting approach to my comedy.  I compare myself to Kevin James, Denis Leary and Lewis Black as far as approach is concerned.  I also tend to tell stories and never use one liners. Here is a bit using low energy and a one liner.  Note, I have been to Canada before.  I’m not worldly, but I don’t live under a rock either.

I wanna travel to Canada one day.  That way I can feel what it’s like to be a stepson.