DAY 350: New Year’s Eve is two weeks away! Start fixing up your end-of-the-year material now.

Dag gone dawg dang dong, man. It’s the end of the year. I feel like I’m an actor in a god dam Richard Simmons workout video at the end of every year. Like I’m motivated and wanting to be there, but then realizing all the shit I gotta do to get paid non-union pay plus a free copy of the shitty video, and so I decide to just stare at Simmons all afternoon between eating free crafty. Probably don’t even serve chocolate or pastry. Stuck with bananas all day. Which is fine! I need too anyway! At the end of every year, I enjoy watching stupid countdowns. VH1, MTV, Food Network, Golf Channel, whatever. Just give me a countdown, so I can rant about more morons I hate. I started my own countdown:

Top 5 Things That Irritated Me About the Year

5. The 2012 End of the World Shit. Alright, let’s think fuckers. You believe in other men’s ideas about the end of the world. I think we have a better chance that the Cleveland Browns win a Super Bowl then for the world to end anytime soon.

4. Female ESPN reporters. Go away. Just…go away. Acting like you’ve played the god damn game before. Reading teleprompters makes me smart in sports, I swear.

3. Cavs, Indians, Browns. Constantly. All the time. Forever. And ever. Thought I told you that we won’t stop, said the owners. Although, Haslam might be the gleam we’ve been waiting on. Wait, stop believing. It’s Cleveland. Yeah, right. Ahem. Nevermind. We still suck. Ahem. And we always will. Ahem.

2. Hunger Games. What a piece of shit. And that was the biggest movie this year? God help us. Might as well add on any Twilight shit that came out this year too. All of pop media makes me rather have the squirts for an entire night out, than having to watch Honey Boo Boo or Carrie Underwear.

1. The shootings. These asshole cowards need to keep within his own personal space. Don’t bother people besides yourself. Even if you’re the most fucked up through nature, nurture, both, whatever. Just maintain your own personal space and we’ll all be fine. I continue to pray for those children and their families. We must change, like the President said. Take care of mental illness. Face it head on!

DAY 122: Add all new bits you’ve been working on to your material list.

Done. New meme.

DAY 49: Edit some of your older material.

Here’s a joke I wrote a long time ago and had to dig deep to find it.

Former:

SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE: When you’re married, you cant cheat on your ole lady, so you look around at other girls when you’re out and visualize them naked.  Then you go home and trying finding chicks on the internet that look like them.  You find a porn with a chick that looks like those girls you saw earlier. You’re like “oh this chick at the bar kinda looks like Angelina Jolie”, so you start looking for pornstars that look like Angelina Jolie, but a little ghettoer because the girl at the bar didn’t quite look 100% Jolie…she was more 80% Jolie and 20% Flavor Flav.

Latter:

SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE: Guys, let’s give it up for cheating! Yeah! C’mon! Alright! You fucking idiots.  When you’re married, you cant cheat on your ole lady! You have to do what every good, honored, well-behaved and dedicated man does: you picture chicks naked.  You sit there and stare at them wondering how crazy they might get in bed.  You wonder if they have a nipple piercing.  Then, then…you go home and you try to find chicks on the internet that look like the girl you saw earlier at the bar.  More specifically, you find a porn that matches that broad. You’re like “oh this chick at the bar kinda looks like Angelina Jolie,” so you start Googling “Pornstars that look like Angelina Jolie”, but you find one that’s a little ghettoer, because the girl at the bar didn’t quite look 100% Jolie…she was more 80% Jolie and 20% Flavor Flav.

To keep with the theme, I decided to just post a vulgar video from the Dale Archdale series.  Enjoy!

DAY 32: Add all your new bits to your material list.

Another organizing task today. So I decided to add a funny photo. Enjoy.