DAY 338: Free associate on what’s going on in your life right now.

Well this week I officially accomplished probably the biggest thing I’ve ever done in life…made it into a movie trailer on the big screen. Prior to seeing Lincoln last week, I saw myself in the Parental Guidance trailer (comes out December 25th, go see it foo). It was very surreal and I was very excited having this as being the single biggest accomplishment. However, seeing it on the big screen before Lincoln started was very cool! I couldn’t believe it! In any case, the funniest thing that happened was hearing a black dude snoring and waking himself up during Lincoln. He was probably like, “Man this Lincoln movie is long. I didn’t think it was such a commitment.”

DAY 328: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

Today’s word is soft-peddle. It means underrated. I just watched Funny Farm and holy shit is that underrated. It has just as much Christmas in it as It’s a Wonderful Life. The way they present the characters and the rules of 3 throughout the movie is astounding. It’s almost John Hughes-esque. The script builds well and the jokes/characters that thread throughout are developed perfectly (all having a rule of 3). I do notice that it is a typical formatted 3 Act structured script, but so what. The final idea of them paying off the town, who have been dumb shits up until now, so that the new potential buyers think it’s a town straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting is brilliant. Plus, the performance of Chevy Chase. He does a great job combating the lead actress’ bad acting. I love when he goes “I could reach in with my bare hands and pull out fish.”

In writing, the best compliment I get is when someone says, “I like you’re shit, it’s so dumb.” Dumb meaning good. I think Funny Farm is so dumb.

DAY 327: Write a funny letter to a friend.

This past weekend I performed in my first reenactment. It was not the kind where we hoist muskets and charge at each other, but none the less, I was a Revolutionary War solder. I had lines to memorize and a whole outfit. How this worked was a friend of mine, who had to do this act of community service to aid with his DUI community service hours, and I would sit there for 15 minutes until a group of 30 people came over to our spot to hear us speak in English dialect about some of the history behind the park we were at. Then they would move onto the next station and we would sit there for another 15 minutes. I cannot tell you how hard I laughed all weekend. Shit was fun. However, we got into the characters so much (and my DUI friend is not an actor), that our Park Ranger friend, who signed us up to begin with, mentioned that his boss and co-workers LOVED us! They said we got so many compliments and shit. We knew we were dominating the reenactment peak, but we didn’t know we would be in such high demand. So here’s my letter to my Park Ranger friend, Jon:

Dear Jon,

No pun intended, as I am not attracted to you.

Anyway, the reenactment was a success. It would not have been had Dave and I not been there. We killed it. Now we have a list of demands that should be included in our contracts next year. Yes, we want contracts. Should you not meet these demands, we will not be back to charge up the crowds next year with some battle cry spirit.

1. Trailer that allows us to park our car in it so we remain discrete, 2 air purifiers, and is furnished with helium-filled red balloons

2. Guitar case for collections

3. 5-piece background band so we can sing drinking songs while we wait

4. Slice of Life pizza

5. Authentic 18th century beer mugs with Moore’s Creek Battlefield coozies

6. Williamsburg acting and dialect coach for tech rehearsals

7. 4th of July swag

8. Cornhole set

9. M&Ms with only the red, white and blue included

10. A bunch of free PBRs and 5 Hour Energies

11. 100 figs and prunes in some aluminum foil

12. Framed photo of Benedict Arnold

13. 25 cases of Kabbalah Water

14. 7 dwarves dressed up as those dwarves out of that film about the dwarves

15. Peach colored toilet tissue to match our complexion

16. Dave wants a life sized cut-out of himself

17. No less than 19 6-foot tall leafy green plants and 4 6-foot tall plants should adorn our dressing room in the trailer

18. And the dressing room must be draped with Moroccan drapes

19. A fresh scrubbed and disinfected backstage toilet at temperatures of exactly 78 degrees

20. Coffee that must be stirred counter clockwise

21. A physician back stage to administer B-12 shot

Check out the trailer to a movie I was in with Billy Crystal and Bette Midler. It comes out Xmas day. It’s called Parental Guidance. I am a day playing putz.

DAY 190: Rework an old bit you want to work better.

Former:

Walking in Sand When You’re Dressed Up - I’m walking over at the Goat and Compass and they got sand that lines the bar on your way in.  Well I’m dressed up to go out, wearing my Jesus sandals and bam! I run into the sand. I start doing the stiff legs.

Latter:

Walking in Sand When You’re Dressed Up - I’m walking over at the Goat and Compass and they got sand that lines the bar on your way in.  Well I’m dressed up to go out, wearing my Jesus sandals and bam! I run into the sand. I start doing the stiff legs. You walk like you got bricks on your feet, like you’re walking on the freaking moon (imitate the walking).  “Oh, I don’t wanna get sand in my sandals. I’ll get all sticky and uncomfy-ey.” You don’t wanna bend your knees. Then it’s like “Shit, I got some on my toes” and it turns into a video game where it’s like GAME OVER, YOU LOST (sing the Mario Brothers song when you lose) and your little video game character goes Mario Brothers on you and jumps up and then falls towards the bottom of the screen, disappearing. One life gone and you’re like “Shit, I was almost near the bar too.”

DAY 174: Write in a comedy genre that you don’t usually work with.

I usually write in the blue collar, blue comedy, character, improvisation, observation, physical/slapstick, cringe, spoof and sketch comedy.  Today, I will attempt to write a joke in the PROP COMEDY genre.  So, if I were on stage, I would take the item featured in the above picture and say to the audience, “Keep these away from Jerry Sandusky’s cell. He might go through withdrawals.”

DAY 173: It’s summer! Send your mailings to your business contacts.

Real easy week for this blog. Gives me time to catch up on other shit, which is nice.

DAY 158: Research and make contact with four new markets for your work.

Screen Gems - I got hired on a movie as a Production Assistant and now have some new contacts at the movie studio in Wilmington.

Movie Guys - My friend and director is moving to Wilmington on Thursday and he is bringing some talented folks with him.  I’m pumped to meet them and start working on projects with them.

Millenia Funk’n - Local band I am working on a video for and can maybe provide some music to future productions.  Check em out, they’re real talented!

Lemmonjello Smiff Guys - There was this film festival.  In it was the funniest film there about an ex-NBA player.  The guys who made it wanna work on something together. So when my Director buddy gets here, it’s gonna get real busy!

DAY 155: Map out an idea for an original comedy novel or film.

I have numerous projects I have mapped out, but I will share one idea that I’m currently working a script about with one of my writing partners in Cleveland.  It’s about a rogue CIA agent who gets deported from the US into Mexico and uncovers a worldwide terrorist plot between the Mexicans and the Russians, who work in cahoots trying to blow up America.  Our protagonist obviously puts the kibosh on that plot, real quick.

DAY 126: Make any dialogue you’ve written sound more natural.

I feel that my dialogue tends to be natural.  My issue is that I need more comedy techniques and formulas in my writing.  I don’t want to be OK or even good at comedy writing, but GREAT.  So as I continue to embark in educating myself and growing as a writer, I feel that this task today is redundant in essence, so I will challenge myself today to add more comic structure into my screenwriting.  I already marked another daily task to do one small piece of writing using some of the comedy formulas I’ve been reading about.

DAY 100: Turn down the sound from a scene in a movie, then write “new dialogue” you think should be dubbed in to make the scene funny.

Click the above video and watch along with the following dialogue I created:

McAvoy: Look, it’s a Redford.  I think he knows what he’s doing.

Penn: Yeah, but have you read the entire script?  It’s bad. I mean…

McAvoy: Don’t you rip the script. 

Penn: I mean the shit sounds like Snooki’s talking. We’re supposed to be in the 19th century. Look, I was in Forrest Gump. Gump. But I need to pay. And just because this is your first chance to carry a movie, doesn’t mean you can’t speak up. We have to unite and tell Redford what a pile it is. How did you get this part anyway, I mean no offense, but you’re pretty bad.

DAY 87: Free associate on what’s going on in your life right now.

As of right now, I’m at a pretty good place in life.  I just filed my taxes and am getting a nice refund, landed another large client for my business, got a film into my first film festival, and performed a standup set this week.  I’m feeling pretty darn good, so needless to say my anxiety has been real low lately.  I am excited about this week as I have a callback for a Jackie Robinson biopic in Atlanta, so hopefully I’ll land a day player role in the flick.  It would be my first one with Warner Brothers.  This weekend I will be in 2 Tennessee William’s plays, “Streetcar Named Desire” and “Cat On a Hot Tin Roof”, so that will be cool.  I have a busy April coming up and looking forward to it. My production company partner moves here from Cincinnati, so our commercial production work will be a full time goal.  The film fest I got into is in April (Cape Fear Film Fest - Archdale short film made it in and is up for best local film! woohoo!).  Easter golf, American Pie Reunion and Masters with my parents! We are filming a wedding in April. I’m going to a Cleveland Indians game in April (roll Tribe).  Opening Day is next week and it’s on the first day as the Masters, so that’ll be a blurry day. The Azalea Festival is coming up so I can’t wait to don my best neon polo, pop some collars and mingle with the wannabe boat captains. My buddy’s wedding is in April. And we wrap up the month with a Nascar trip to Richmond with my college buddies and the 2012 NFL Draft.

So shit’s OK right now.  Feels good.  Now I gotta get back to work.

DAY 75: Create a character profile for someone you think might make a good character.

1. Steve Zvara, aka, Zarhead of King Zar: Male, 30. Looks like a semi-Incredible Hulk and carries his persona and bravado to match. 

Sociology
-Occupation: Jack-of-All Trades
-Birthplace/upbringing: Brunswick, OH
-Past/present home life: Lived in trailer that was parked outside his mom’s house
-Hobbies: Kicking ass and scoring with bitches; flying jets
-Work history: Where do we start?
-Education: It’s a mystery, but he’ll tell ya he’s the smartest man in the world
-Ethnic roots: Slovakian meets Muay Thai
-Political views: Democratic, Republican? Fuck no, he’s got own party - Zarcentrican.  It’s who lets him get away with kicking some ass
-Affiliations: Czech-Slovak Protective Society
-Work environment: He makes it uneasy for anyone around him
-Criminal record: In and out of run-ins with the law his whole life.  But no one can catch Steve. Biggest run-in was when he got caught turfing a neighbor’s lawn and driving over the neighbor’s garbage cans
-Religion: King Zarism
-Social status: Hunter-Gatherer (hunting and gathering broads)
-Private life: Enjoys beatin off to anime porn and arts & crafts on Sundays
-Personal life: Loves hitting on chicks and then hitting them when they step outta line

Physiology
-Height/weight: 5’11”/210 Lbs.
-Appearance: Stout body, perfect for getting underneath his opponents so he can take them down with ease
-Defects/scars: Gash across his chest from self-inflicted drunken night out with some strippers (he’s always showin off)
-Clothing: Shit-kickers, wife beater and Wranglers boot cut; he owns many low-cut shirts
-Build/figure: Stout like a defensive lineman
-Hair/eyes: Short brown hair/red (inserts contacts each morning)
-Health/strength: Fucked up a little from the steroid abuse/Can lift a car on a bad day
-Physical skills: Limestone, quartzite, uranium…if it’s in his way, he’s punching through it
-Attractiveness: Is this a trick question?
-Voice quality: Bass with a little raspy. A “yackity yack, machine gun” laugh
-Complexion: Overly tanned
-Athletic ability: If there are 29 sports in the Summer Olympic Games and 37 disciplines, Zar competes in 300 sports and over 600 disciplines

Psychology
-Fears/phobias: Old people, not having enough lard in the kitchen, albino dudes and spiders; intense fear of failure
-Prejudices: Everyone is a n**ger, for irony; black girls are a challenge (a challenge he is willing to accept)
-Pet peeves: The last dip in his chewing tobacco is too small for a nice pinch; oiling up for a bodybuilding contest - those cheaters
-Superstitions: He chooses to drive from the passenger side because the “people in Europe got it right”
-Ambitions: To open his own prison
-Personal problems: Overly drinks pure grain alcohol because he likes the taste; inhaling cigars (cigarettes are for girls)
-Intelligence: CIA material; it’s like the Internet is in his brain
-Secrets: Knows the exact location of the missing escapees of Alcatraz, has hung out and won at 7 card stud with Hassan Izz-Al-Din, Ali Atwa, Saif Al-Adel and Abdul Rahman Yasin
-Values/beliefs: If it’s moving, it’s in my way; if it has tits, fuck it!
-Complexes: Can’t figure out the 987,465th digit of Pi
-Habits: Sleeps with a 12 gauge tucked between his legs because “the pillows aren’t cool on any of the sides”; showers 5x a day (to get rid of evidence)
-Motivations: To be the first Green Beret who Navy Sealed his way through the Special Forces
-Imagination: Willy Wonka ain’t got shit on him
-Attitudes: Hates hipsters, solo musicians, VanDamme, Schwartzenegger, Diesel, Johnson
-Inhibitions: Can’t seem to shake his passion for Motley Crue; once started a tribute band
-Addictions: Kicking too much ass; making everyone around him uncomfortable, yet undermined at the same time
-Moral stands: No making fun of midgets
-Temperament: Watch out mutherfuker
-Likes/dislikes: Likes county commissioners, hates mayors; likes implants/strippers/porn stars (they are professionals/experts in their craft/field), hates weak people like children and the elderly because they “can’t carry their own weight”

Editor’s note from Zar:  The first U.S. Women’s National Physique Championship, promoted by Henry McGhee and held in Canton, Ohio in 1978 - STEVE WAS THERE IN HIS MOTHER’S WOMB

Because we heard the great news that our film “Dale Archdale: Private Dick to the Stars” was accepted into the 12th Annual Cape Fear Film Festival, I decided to post the teaser trailer of the movie above.

Our short film “Dale Archdale: Private Dick to the Stars” got accepted into the 12th Annual Cape Fear Film Festival in Wilmington, NC.  Woohoo!

Check out the short film here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0LvVkauYGc

DAY 65: Research and make contact with four new potential markets for your work.

1. Neal Brennan - Stand-Up Comedian/Writer/Director - The very same guy I saw on Friday perform stand-up is a new contact for me.  Still feeling like an idiot for getting called out (read yesterday’s post for the story), I decided to post on Neal’s Facebook wall.  I said “I was the guy who got carried away last night and was ‘too enthusiastic’ been a fan for years love Totally Awesome.  Good show prick”.  He wrote back in a message “I appreciate you coming out. Sorry if I was a little short with you. A few of my jokes got fucked up by people yelling out. Makes it harder to focus. Again, sorry. And I really appreciate your support. I’m really not a prick.” Needless to say, I took the opportunity to send him 2 short Archdale perfume and cologne commercials, so hopefully it will garner something…anything.

2. Randy - He is friends with Sandra Bullock.  I met this dude during a commercial shoot this past week, drank some beers with him, and came to find out he went to college with “Sandy” and not only that, they were very good friends.  We’ll see where this goes, but I am not going to get excited.  Never can in this business.

3. Local Filmmaker - Been engaged in conversation with a local filmmaker whom is interested in putting my Dale Archdale character into his web-series.

4. Acting Coach - Met with an acting coach this week who is interested in implementing our Wilmington Improvisation course into her school.  I would continue to teach our current classes on top of this new night.  We locked it up this past week and it’s official. New client is always nice.

I decided to post another old prank phone call video.  It is an actual recording that a job candidate left for a recruiter friend of mine.