DAY 99: Reedit some old material and make it current.
PADDY’S DAY WITH THE IN-LAWS: So uh the ad says “Have your in-laws in town, unannounced, 2 days before Paddy’s Day!” Uh, does the ole man still have 2 ears, fucking sign me up! You know I know I’m gonna get drunk and bark at the ole man like he’s one of my buddies. Talking about shit like “look at that chick’s tits! Woops.” Then I’m crying about how I won’t make rent this month. Later I’m cheersing to the Cleveland Indians picking up some spic to play centerfield. The ole lady’s yelling at me the next day because I was hammered and making an ass outta myself to her dad. I’m like “babe, I forgot who he was! I was barking at him like he was Todd! You know March Madness games were on!” At one point, I was getting so personal with my father-in-law, I even started saying “I’m sorry dad, my jokes are off tonight.” Then at one point I met a fellow Clevelander and we started barkin about the 1997 Tribe lineup and the ole man comes walking around the corner, catchin me smokin. I mean I haven’t been caught smoking by the in-laws since 2005 and shit. I see him, I yell out “Fukin Patty’s Day at the beach! Woohoo!” He shakes his head, “Did you cash out yet?” And the worst is I still care that he gives a shit about me smoking or drinking. I’m fucking 32 years old! It’s the worst! Like we’re still in high school, I’m sneaking around out back, yelling at some random guy I just met “light me up, light me up! Hurry up!”. He’s probably like “What’s with this fukin guy?” And I couldn’t stop barking at the ole man! I’m like “Gar, gar, gar! I used to subscribe to Sports Illustrated, I think until 1992! RAAAAR! I just got into curling this year! RAAAAAR! I never got into NWA until college. RAAAAAAAAR! You know the first time I ever saw jugged water was at my neighbor’s house in 3rd grade. RAAAAAAAAR!” Just verbally assaulting the guy. He was horrified. But he knows it’s exactly what he was expecting from his moron son-in-law.
To celebrate the actual holiday we’re on, I posted the new Dale Archdale: Easter Expert to the Stars.