DAY 61: Fat Tuesday is coming up! Write a bit about it.

Well, Fat Tuesday was last week but fuck it.  Here we go.

FAT TUESDAY: Ah yes, the 2nd favorite holiday for us gluttons.  I like to call it Big-Boned Tuesday, really.  I mean who doesn’t like to devote a day to officially being an overweight and ignorant American? It’s the best.  Grab a dozen paczki and sprinkle some powder all over your head, then shake it in glory! Today’s the day where when someone says “You shouldn’t eat all that, think of the hungry people”, you take a donut hole and try to hit her eye from across the room.  When someone says “Oh, I can’t because of my diabetes,” you take a piece of pizza, blot the top of it, and smack it onto his face until it sticks to them.  If someone says “I can’t because of my Weight Watcher’s points,” hold that person into locked position and force feed Gouda down her throat. If a skinny person mocks you on this day, take off your shirt and stare at them with your best rapist face.  Then continue to smear Nutella on your nipples.  Then dip a cookie over that Nutella to clean it off your chest.  Then eat half the cookie.  Take the other half and put that into some milk.  Blend the milk with raw eggs and drink it in front of that dumbass.  Celebrate your fat scars, baby! It’s our day!

Above is a 2nd prank phone call video to Walmart.

DAY 60: Every four years: Make a list of things you think are funny. How has this year’s list changed from the last time you made this list?

I think a lot of things are funny and dumb. When I say dumb, I mean funny dumb. Like Ben Stiller showing up in a movie, dressed as a Mexican. That’s so funny, it’s dumb. Dumb means good! Here are some things that I think are funny:

1. Extras that take their acting job overly serious

2. Directors who don’t say CUT or ACTION, but rather walk away right after a shot (sorry, I’m on a commercial shoot this week)

3. Bad commercials with bad casting, both local and national

4. Good comedic actors

5. Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray, John Candy, Harold Ramis, Chevy Chase, Eugene Levy

6. Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Mike Meyers, Adam Sandler (early years), David Spade, Chris Farley, Will Farrell, Jack Black

7. Outrageous local newscasters who take their job too serious

8. Funny animal captions

9. My ole lady and her wit

10. Matt Groening and Simpsons

11. Trey Parker and South Park

12. Denis Leary’s standup album “No Cure for Cancer”

13. John Hughes’ movies

14. The Farrelly Brothers’ movies

15. Steeler’s fans who think they have it bad

16. the Cleveland sport’s teams

17. Smart comedians who spend time with learning the art of comedy

18. People in the fashion industry

19. Descriptive, intelligent phrases that add humor to the situation

20. When everyone is thinking the same thing in a funny situation

21. Red carpet events for bush league films

NOTE: I will continue to add to this list, either in a new list or to this original piece.

My video from the vault tonight is the Restaurant Server Ad prank phone call joke. Another old school.