DAY 360: It’s winter! Send your mailings to your business contacts.
Done. New meme.
DAY 355: Write about your earliest holiday memories.
My earliest holiday memory was when I was really little and my siblings actually woke ME up for Christmas. I was 6 and they were in their late teens. Go figure that one out.
DAY 347: Write about the holiday shoppers you’ve been coming across.
I deal with assholes who can click faster than me and have faster internet connections.
DAY 341: Edit some of your older material.
Here is an edited scene from a pilot I’m developing about the HR recruiting world. Fuk format!
INT - MANUFACTURING FACILITY - DAY
HOT SALES GIRL (25) walks into plant. Pan from left to right with all those different boxes across the screen popping up 2 at a time until whole screen is filled w/ 8 boxes (so the screen begins black and lights up as she walks past…each box represents another disaster from MALE WORKERS watching her walk through.)
BOX 1: Guy on towmotor crashing into wall.
BOX 2: Welders lifting hat up and welding sparks getting on face and eyes.
BOX 3: Guy dropping heavy hand tool on foot and wearing no steel toes—-make it known that the company doesn’t provide steel toes or hard hats due to expenses cutbacks.
BOX 4/BOX 5: Guy drops box from top area and it falls on Guy below who isn’t wearing hard hat.
BOX 6: Guy turning blue because of material handling chemicals, because he took off his respirator mask to see lady.
BOX 7: Guy falling off ladder.
BOX 8: 2 Guys running into each other and papers going everywhere.
INT. BOSS’ OFFICE
Hot Sales Girl is meeting with BOSS (55). Hot Sales Girl is blabbing and cue his narrative in his mind of what he’s thinking.
Boss: Man, I wanna get some of that.
Closeup of upper sweating lip and eyebrows. He puckers and licks his lips; tugs his balls; rubs his sweat off; starts bobbing his head; grinding teeth and then more grinding teeth; starts making donkey noises out loud.
FIREMAN (45) enters room and extinguishes him off, hosing him off with extinguisher foam.
DAY 340: Write a bit about the holiday season.
How about the holidays in America, huh? Aren’t we just looking like stupid shits fighting each other on Black Friday? Foreign people must be like, “stupid foreigners” when they see us fighting and yelling and kicking and screaming at each other over Furbies. You know that feeling you get when you see foreigners on the TV fighting each other with torches and M80s? That’s what we look like, but with shopping carts and gift cards. I mean we look like complete morons out there. It’s like relax people. It’s a sale and times are tough, but let’s not lose class. Let’s not look like it’s a free bread sampling that just came out from the back at a Panera Bread! Holy shit! Run! RUN! FREE BREAD! Keep it together America. You’re making us look bad during the Christmas season, so shape up or ship out! You’d fit in better at one of those foreign countries, the way you’ve been acting lately.
DAY 325: Organize your premises.
Done. But now I wanna talk about college football as briefly as possible, being that this year my team (The Ohio State University) is ineligible to go to the Nat Champ game against my 2nd favorite team (Notre Dame), because of tattoos. However, I wanna mention about how Collin Klein shit the bed this past weekend when KSU lost, because he was on Sports Illustrated. I wanna talk about pressure and how SI probably got some kickbacks to assist with Kansas State not going undefeated.
DAY 324: Edit some of your older material.
The freshest scene from new Dale Archdale feature film from my writing partner and I. Don’t worry about formatting as it doesn’t matter on a blog.
INT. 10TH ANNUAL FIGURE 8 ISLAND CHILI COOK OFF CENTER - DAY
Adam Richman is signing copies of his latest book. A busty woman leans over his table. He signs her tits. Dale approaches him.
DALE: Richman! Listen up! You’re gonna get Tori her job back!
Richman continues to sign books. He does not look at Dale.
ADAM RICHMAN: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.
DALE: That ass wipe Lipman got her fired for no reason!
Richman signs another book and hands it to a fan.
ADAM RICHMAN: Sorry buddy not my problem.
Dale starts to walk away but stops and looks back at Richman.
DALE: I bet you couldn’t get her job back even if you wanted to. You’re just Lipman’s patsy.
Richman stops writing.
ADAM RICHMAN: Of course I could get her job back.
He turns and looks at Dale.
ADAM RICHMAN: I’m Adam Fucking Richman.
He finishes signing another book and hands it to an attractive female.
ADAM RICHMAN: The problem is that I have no desire to help your friend.
Dale looks over at a poster of Richman eating a huge burger.
DALE: How about this. If I beat you in the Hillbilly Burger Challenge you have to get Tori her job back. Unless you’re too scared!
ADAM RICHMAN: Adam Richman fears no food. Except footlong hotdogs. They make me feel uncomfortable. What do I get when I win?
Dale pulls out his wallet. He opens it up but it is empty. Richman looks at Dale’s truck parked outside.
ADAM RICHMAN: That your truck?
ADAM RICHMAN: You beat me I’ll get your little girlfriend her job back, but if I win I get your truck.
Dale looks at his truck. He sighs.
DALE: You got yourself a deal.
DAY 323: Write a bit about time.
Nowadays you can use Youtube to try to get famous via a viral video. Our generation consists of people getting famous through Youtube by putting out the video they hope to go viral. But back in the day, you got famous for HAVING TO DO SOMETHING! Back in the day, people got famous through writings about their lives and accomplishments. You had to invent shit. You had to be a Tesla and create alternating current or you had to be Daniel Boone and slay a fucking bear with a knife. Nowadays, you can be a name like Paris Hilton. That’s where we’re at in society. People often criticize modern American writers, because they write about their own lives instead of fiction. Hemmingway wrote about his life, but he had done a lot. He lived a lot. The dude had been through several wars. But, sports still keeps it’s strength to prove human determination to the umpteenth. You have to have oomph to play sports. We shouldn’t have any celebrity who’s famous for doing nothing. Pisses me off.
DAY 322: Update all your business documents—resumes to web pages.
Done. How about this Twinkie news?
DAY 318: Have a writing session with another comedy writer.
I have been partnering with 2 writers for comedy screenplays. Here’s a new scene from the Archdale feature film. Don’t worry about format, because this is a stupid fucking blog ya dink.
INT. OLIVE GARDEN - NIGHT
Dale walks in wearing a suit. Tori is sporting a bright red cocktail dress and wearing ruby red lipstick. He walks up to the HOSTESS (35).
HOSTESS: Well don’t you two look nice.
DALE: It is the Olive Garden.
HOSTESS: You don’t have to dress up to come here anymore.
She motions to groups of people eating their meals in raggedy clothing and sweat suits.
DALE: Well shit.
DAY 317: Write a funny letter to the editor.
Dear Resume Writers of America Magazine Editor,
Please stop trying to sell resumes to people for $400. It takes you 2 hours at most to write one! Scamming on people who probably can’t afford bread let alone a piece of paper with some fancy font is not moral. It’s down right wrong. You should be ashamed of yourself.
That is all.
DAY 316: Rearrange the order of jokes in a piece. Does changing the order show you more places to put jokes?
No! Yes! New meme.
DAY 315: Expand your vocabulary. Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.
Today’s word is propulsion. It means momentum or progress and that’s how I feel about our small production company. I have 4 other guys that are so fuckin passionate about film and creating, that it makes me smile thinking of all the shit we’ll accomplish together. Now at first, with 5 heads, it was tough to agree and come together all at once. We definitely had different visions for our Vision Breeze Productions company. However, as of recently, things took a nice turn and it’s starting to clear up. We are all committed again and feeling 100% assurance over the direction we decided to take the company. Not only that, in a night out of brainstorming over some $1.75 PBRs, we realized more avenues we can pursue to capitalize on our plan even more. It’s exciting and the fire is spreading more than ever since we started together back in July. Stay tuned for more notices as we continue to grow. And if your band wants a music video or a promo video or a live taping, contact me (216) 246-9900.
DAY 314: Reedit some of your older material.
Here’s a scene from the upcoming Dale Archdale feature. Edited of course and formatting is crappy because it’s a damn blog.
INT. RICK’S ROOM - SAME
Rick is sitting back in a computer chair masturbating to women’s tennis. His pants are around his ankles.
DALE (O.S.): Rick!
Dale busts in the room. Rick falls out of his chair.
DALE: Jesus Christ Rick!
Rick frantically gets up and pulls his pants back up around his waist.
RICK: Dammit Dale, I’m lonely.
DALE: I’d say so! You’re jerkin it to the Williams sisters.
Rick fastens his belt and sits on the edge of his bed.
RICK: I get turned on by them sounds they make when they serve the ball. Plus you know I got the jungle fever.
Dale shakes his head.
DALE: Whatever. I found a way we can save the trailer park.
DAY 313: Write about something from a foreigner’s point of view.
I hate living here in LA. People call me a Ian the Kabob. And not only the Americans, but the rest of the 199 languages that live here in LA county. But it’s OK my friend. I know they’re the ones who don’t have the money like us Armenians. They’re the ones who watch us drive our Mercedes around with so much tint it makes Kristen Stewart look like Viola Davis. I have all the friends who own the weed stores. You stupid Americans and your vices. Yes I love a good kabob, but do I have to feel like I’m in Turkey when I’m shopping at Ralphs? I mean, can’t people stay outta my 2nd country? I can’t stand the drivers either. I feel like I’m back in Azerbedjian dodging camels. So what if I like Nike, In-n-Out Burger and Ross…I’m a Westerner now and should be accepted as such. So leave me alone you fucking foreigners and get outta my 2nd country, the United States of Armenia.