DAY 360: It’s winter! Send your mailings to your business contacts.
Done. New meme.
DAY 358: Write a bit about the holiday season from an unusual point of view.
It’s the hawliday seesers. And friends of friends. And little ole friends. Then you meet some friends of fwiends, and they become your fwiends. They’ll be coming down the chimney town. You put a big spac spuck upon the duck. Hanging from the window tree-ee. It’s the hawliday season. Friends of those fwiends get the fwiends. Doopa-doopa-doobity-do.
Above is a picture of my name in the credits in the film, Parental Guidance. Make sure you go see it in theaters now!
DAY 357: Write about winter.
The winter is a time…for FANTASY FOOTBALL! ZIP, ZIP, ZOINK, BAM, CLINK, DOINK, DINK! That’s right! Who cares about snow when you can be a winner of a fantasy football league! Hell yeah, I’m in! Welp, take a look. I won F’ers! I freakin won! Only happens once in awhile and this year I did it! Me! You can see the final scoreboard of the season above. I beat the shit outta my friend Brooks in the championship. The funny thing is that we played each other in 2 other Super Bowls. This is our third time going head to head. Prior to this, we were split at ones. Now, I reign supreme! $1200 whoppers! Woohoo!
DAY 356: Write a follow-up piece to something you’ve already finished.
Here is an excerpt from the Dale Archdale feature film, set to start shooting February 15th! Screw format.
EXT. FAIRGROUND - WALKWAY - DAY
Security Guard 1 and Security Guard 2 walk up to Fauxman, holding the chili. He nods and raises his hands insinuating that they should follow him.Rick looks around discouraged. He see some laxatives on a table. He grabs them and rushes off.
Rick encounters BAMBIE, a hot female thirty-something.
BAMBIE: Excuse me, can you tell me if these feel ripe?
Bambie is holding 2 melons up against her large tits. Rick stutters and looks around. He grabs em.
RICK: They feel good to me.
DAY 354: Reread your most current material. What are you presenting to the public? Is that the image you want the industry to have of you? If not, make the necessary changes to make your product fit your vision.
As of right now, I’m still finding my adult voice. I enjoy writing dumb funny, crass and raunchy humor because I think it shows man at his true core, when he wants to let loose. I mean who doesn’t laugh at family get-togethers when someone farts? I like watching funny scenes with a poo. I would love for more farts in scenes (write that one down). I grew up with my buddies doing that stuff and for some reason I got left behind. But I do want to grow and be more digestible for more people. I think my achievement in my screenwriting life would be to make Meet the Parents and John Hughes comedies, maybe even one nice drama (ahem…sacred contracts ma…ahem). But I’ll keep plugging around with jokes about a woman whose poop curls back inside her so she’s forced to have the firemen come to her house and extract the Jackknife Turd, because I still got a lifetime of poo-poo in me.
DAY 353: Write a funny poem and perform it at a poetry slam.
I wish, I wish but for a chance
To have a peek at the last dance
For a time will come where we can cheer
For a chance to subscribe to SI, get the free football and bark highlights over a beer
About how this was the team, the one that won
These were the players whom would echo the conversations of who was second to none
Oh my, oh my, we took the cake
It was our time, these were the days
And as I reminisce about the days of old
All the hardships and tears that were shed in the cold
This victory was as much ours as theirs
For as a die hard Cleveland fan, nothing else matters…no one cares
So let’s go open a new credit card so I can buy all the shit
That comes with being the best in the world, this feeling wont quit…ever
DAY 347: Write about the holiday shoppers you’ve been coming across.
I deal with assholes who can click faster than me and have faster internet connections.
DAY 346: Research and make contact with four new markets for your work.
1. Investors - they’re starting to come in for the Dale Archdale feature film project, set for principal photography on Feb 15.
2. Crew - starting to piece the crew together and it feels good.
3. Named Star - reached out to about 20 named stars and have received word back from 2 that they are interested! Woohoo! Need this for our film, badly!
4. Friends - film friends, regular life friends, family. Whoever! I’m coming for you and I’m looking for some handouts to make this shit go smoother!
DAY 345: Make up a funny Christmas list of 15 items.
Note: All this shit’s real!
1. a Hot Wheels version of the Oscar Mayer weiner mobile & whistle (for Reinhold)
2. wheat penny
3. Burger King crown
4. disposable gloves
5. Gordon Lightfoot Live DVD box set
6. 7 foot gummy snake
7. the Baby Mop
8. Handle of G-Spirits whiskey
9. Brownie Bar Maker
10. Badass Sunglasses With Assault Rifle Temples
11. New Zealand Driving School For Dogs Membership
12. Pizza Hut cologne
13. Booze-Infused Marshmallows
14. Bacon Jello
15. Bacon Shaving Cream
Stocking Stuffer: Sriracha Lip Balm
DAY 343: Expand your vocabulary. Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.
Today’s word is jocundity. It means cheer. Right now, I’ve been quite merry and cheerful this season. Business was good this year and overall 2012 was very good to me and Jamie. We’ve been slacking a little this December and enjoying ourselves only because we know how hard we worked and how much harder we’re going to be working in 2013. Shooting a feature film, beginning my new client meetings and trying to break my record 2012 sales for MJW Careers will take some long hours. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still working in December, but I’m definitely partaking in more events and spreading some jocundity. Fishing, golfing, Browns game with wings, poker night, Charleston romantic evening with some live Charles Dickens and an annual golf outing is my upcoming week. I’ll sprinkle in some work, especially pre-production on Archdale, but it’ll definitely be tough as we ring in the new year. I don’t wanna jinx myself and I will keep praying, putting in 16 hour days and going to church, because I know I’m blessed right now. The anxiety is at an all-time low since 2008 and things are keepin on keeping on. So thanks for reading my blog, mom, and whoever else! Cheers. Here’s to a nice 2013!
DAY 336: Take the funniest thing you’ve written this year and make it funnier.
Here is a scene from my El Kingo script. Don’t worry about format, huh?
INT. BUS - DAY
GUARD 4 (30) is poking Steve with a stick.
GUARD 4: Get up and get off.
Steve is confused and looks around, groggy. Other PRISONERS mug Steve, including DIESEL (4), a biker dude.
Steve, apart of a chain-gang, awaits to exit bus in line with other Prisoners.
STEVE (singing Styx’s Renegade): Oh mama, I’m in fear for my life from the long arm of the law. Lawman has put an end to my running and I’m so far from my home.
STEVE/PRISONERS (in unison): Oh mama, I can hear your crying you’re so scared and all alone. Hangman is coming down from the gallows and I don’t have very long.
PRISONER 1: The jig is up…
Prisoner 1 is bashed to the ground by Guard 4. Steve is pushed again by Guard 4.
EXT. MEXICO BORDER - DAY
Steve walks out of bus glaring at the hot sun. Chickens pass by. GUARD 5 (40) walks the line of criminals, cutting off handcuffs with a wire-cutter.
GUARD 5: Welcome home.
A border sign reads “Welcome to Mexico”. Guard 4, Guard 5 and other GUARDS drive off. Steve glares back to Diesel punching him in face. Steve hits the ground. Fighting ensues. Steve manages to beat up Diesel and 3 Prisoners. The VILLAGERS close in during the fight and starts putting wagers down. LUCIANA (25), Mexican cutey, approaches a battered Steve, wiping his wounds and blood from his face. She smiles. Her brother, PABLO (29), approaches and snaps his fingers.
PABLO (in Spanish): Luciana! Let’s go!
Luciana rushes out. Steve is showered with gifts and chickens from the Villagers. He is offered keys to a Burrito Buggy from BURRITO BUGGY OWNER (45). Steve drives off. Luciana places the blood-soaked rag against her face as a momento she plans to keep.
ARMANDO (14) approaches with a rosary.
ARMANDO: Here, take it. A gift.
Steve grabs it and rubs the kid’s head. Steve looks on with some zeal.
DAY 333: Write about getting together with your family.
I just got back from Turkey Day in Shitsburgh. It’s funny to me. So dreary up there and to think I lived in the same Cleveland-type weather for 25 years! In Pittsburgh, you get pulled over for wearing sunglasses because it’s always cloudy. Even if it’s a little bright. In Wilmington, you get pulled over for not wearing sunglasses, even when it’s cloudy.
The first 3 nights I couldn’t shower because it was too late at my in-law’s house and the “baby” was already sleeping. Then the last 2 nights I couldn’t shower because of my buddy’s work schedule. We came in too late and he was already sleeping. So I took water and splashed it all over my balls and assface. Gritty.
DAY 329: Try another form of comedy writing, such as sitcom or essay writing. Just write outside of your comfort zone.
I am currently writing a pilot to go into my literary agent kit. This kit is what I will use to try to get a literary agent. Here is a “scene pitch” from the pilot I am writing. It’s an HR comedy.
-It’s Office style where the camera blinks on from black…it shows a guy in the car screaming (low stomach kind of yell, like you’re lifting something, but also a battle cry mixed in with it) and pounding the dashboard and his buddy starts slamming a beer, then taking a shot of Tequilla, then hitting the joint…then the other guy and the yelling guy cheer at the guy slamming beer…then we quick cut of them sitting in lawn chairs as if they’re tailgating and slamming more beers…then smoking cigarettes and doing beer bong…then they look at watch and are like “fuck” so they put on their business clothes (like Superman style) and head into the office saying “man pregaming for work is the best.”
-Cut to a board meeting - one of the guys starts talking and he dribble pukes a little on himself, then picks back up where he was and barks smart terms (“cradle to grave”) as the stain just sits on the shirt