DAY 291: Write a fan letter.
Dear Jimmy Haslam, new Owner of the Cleveland Browns,
Thank you much for your optimism. Having spent $1B for our team, I have a strong feeling that you don’t fuck around. Up until this point in my life, I have witnessed some strong football in Cleveland dating back to the Bernie “Schnapps” Kosar era. Sure, we were the team to beat back then. But some horsefaced clamshit Bronco decided that Denver needed the wins more than a blue-collared city like Cleveland. Then I went onto witness our team pull together a winning combination of a coaching staff led by the great Bill Belichick, only to see those chances fade away with a Two Men and a Truck truck full of Builder’s Square boxes marked with Baltimore across the sides. Then came the fun part. The Lerner era. Boy were we stupid in Cleveland. We tore down a stadium that had character. It had grit. For what? A brand new stadium that had the ends of the barrel keg beer from Columbus’ Budweiser plant that shipped out every Sunday morning and a rent-a-cop who yelled at us for cheering to loud. Boy oh boy. Fast forward to a losing record of 68-140 since our “rebirth” in 1999, and all that was accomplished by our owner and his punk-ass son (who, as you know, inherited daddy’s team) was a Golden Palm Star and a losing English Premier Soccer team respectively, and we arrive here, with you. High hopes as usual for us fans. We will be holding you accountable, as we always do in the past. And sure, you’ll have some guys who might show up again for a game, because we ousted our crappy owner. But you’ll still have guys like my brother. Guys who have witnesses victorious seasons first hand. Guys who have spent money on countless games just to witness us come up short, time after time. Guys like my dad who witnessed Jim Brown scamper all over the NFL in our original heydays. Guys who you will have to “win” back. How? Just win. Restore the pride and tradition in our team. Restore the pride and tradition back into Cleveland. We had in once with some asshole who could dunk a ball, pretty well I might add. But that’s the Cavs. In Cleveland, we want to see the Browns form the line of victory. So my only advice is channeled from the elder, archetypal fans like my dad and brother…just win.
And don’t worry, the rest of us dingbats and boneheads will still come out and spend money on overpriced swag with player’s names that won’t even be around next year and $11 flat Bud heavies. Why? Because that’s what we do in Cleveland. We hope.
PS - If you beat the Steelers twice every year, we’ll stick with ya for awhile. Man I woulda loved to be the guy who got to pull the plug on Art Rooney.