DAY 291: Write a fan letter.

Dear Jimmy Haslam, new Owner of the Cleveland Browns,

Thank you much for your optimism. Having spent $1B for our team, I have a strong feeling that you don’t fuck around. Up until this point in my life, I have witnessed some strong football in Cleveland dating back to the Bernie “Schnapps” Kosar era. Sure, we were the team to beat back then. But some horsefaced clamshit Bronco decided that Denver needed the wins more than a blue-collared city like Cleveland. Then I went onto witness our team pull together a winning combination of a coaching staff led by the great Bill Belichick, only to see those chances fade away with a Two Men and a Truck truck full of Builder’s Square boxes marked with Baltimore across the sides. Then came the fun part. The Lerner era. Boy were we stupid in Cleveland. We tore down a stadium that had character. It had grit. For what? A brand new stadium that had the ends of the barrel keg beer from Columbus’ Budweiser plant that shipped out every Sunday morning and a rent-a-cop who yelled at us for cheering to loud.  Boy oh boy.  Fast forward to a losing record of 68-140 since our “rebirth” in 1999, and all that was accomplished by our owner and his punk-ass son (who, as you know, inherited daddy’s team) was a Golden Palm Star and a losing English Premier Soccer team respectively, and we arrive here, with you. High hopes as usual for us fans. We will be holding you accountable, as we always do in the past. And sure, you’ll have some guys who might show up again for a game, because we ousted our crappy owner. But you’ll still have guys like my brother. Guys who have witnesses victorious seasons first hand. Guys who have spent money on countless games just to witness us come up short, time after time. Guys like my dad who witnessed Jim Brown scamper all over the NFL in our original heydays. Guys who you will have to “win” back. How? Just win. Restore the pride and tradition in our team. Restore the pride and tradition back into Cleveland. We had in once with some asshole who could dunk a ball, pretty well I might add. But that’s the Cavs. In Cleveland, we want to see the Browns form the line of victory. So my only advice is channeled from the elder, archetypal fans like my dad and brother…just win.

And don’t worry, the rest of us dingbats and boneheads will still come out and spend money on overpriced swag with player’s names that won’t even be around next year and $11 flat Bud heavies. Why? Because that’s what we do in Cleveland. We hope.

PS - If you beat the Steelers twice every year, we’ll stick with ya for awhile. Man I woulda loved to be the guy who got to pull the plug on Art Rooney.

DAY 195: Write an essay on your comedic style. Don’t skimp.

I f’n love swearing. I f’n love ranting. I f’n love making fun of morons. I f’n love making people who think they’re cool feel like an idiot. I f’n love calling people out. I f’n love watching people or crummy TV that I hate just so I can complain about it later. I f’n love bagging on Ben Rothlisburger (spelling his name is stupid too). I f’n love telling Steelers fans to suck a D. I f’n love yelling at people in traffic and then honking my horn at them to make them feel like a stupid driver. I f’n love complaining about bad acting in commercials. I f’n love listening to marketers pitch their products to me so I can know what it feels like when I make a sales call. I f’n love people who don’t listen when you’re talking so then I can wear my emotions on my sleeve and make it awkward during the next conversation because I still feel awkward from the last conversation when they weren’t listening to me. I f’n love golfing well and rubbing it in my friend’s faces hoping the golf Gods aren’t listening. I f’n love betting and winning and rubbing the win in people’s face. I f’n love loving the Browns and complaining about them the whole season. I f’n love bagging on ex QBs. I f’n love playing with parent’s dog and then complaining when his saliva and hair gets all over me. I f’n love telling people how awesome it was to live in LA and Cleveland, but then realize I live in NC. I f’n love threatening that I will move out of NC, but know that the beach is only 3 miles away. I f’n love going to places to eat that have a reputation, and say “yeah it was good!” even though it was “eh” but in the back of my mind I’m like “I wanna like it.” I f’n love listening to music that sucks and thinking it’s catchy in the back of my head. I f’n love watching the sky and then freaking out about life. I f’n love watching people who don’t like sports complain about not liking sports, just so I can continue talking about sports in which I know they could care less about. I f’n love watching movies that suck and telling people that it sucked when I know they liked it. I f’n love telling people I hate certain famous people and they say how much they love them, so it makes me complain even harder about how much I hate those famous people. I f’n love getting chills on my arm for cool stuff, even though the people I’m talking about the cool stuff to do not think it’s cool. I f’n love writing this blog even though I know no one reads it.

DAY 16: Write about yourself without being self-deprecating.

Well the first thing that came to mind about doing a piece about myself is that I failed big time this weekend.  I had a chance to land the “first big client” and it fell through.  My day job is running an outplacement business. We help people who get laid off.  It’s similar to what Clooney did in Up in the Air, but we don’t actually break the news to people…we just assist with resumes, interviewing, self-marketing, etc. once they do find out that they are being laid off.  It’s extremely humbling and very rewarding with satisfaction when people you help land new jobs.  In any case, I wanted to rant about that yesterday when I found out a company in Texas would not be choosing our services because they wanted to go local.  I was ready to ship out to Fort Worth for 3 months had we landed this contract.  The HR rep did say we were in the final 2, so I guess that makes me feel a little better.  Yeah right, fuck that…fuck man.

Anyway, so I decided to write about myself and how I react to certain things in life.  I get pissed easily.  I have no patience for:

1. shitty acting

2. bad driving

3. dumb decisions by strangers in public that directly impact me

4. people who say “I don’t know what you’re talking about” when you’re clearly making sense

5. whimsical girls who float around instead of walk

6. Flo the Progressive girl and the T-Mobile lanky broad

7. hipsters

8. artsy fartsy

9. confident nerds

10. Domino’s pizza and their attempt to become un-shitty after all these years of shit

11. thinning hair on my head

12. better poker chip sets

13. people like Gary Heidnik

14. under 50 and above 80 weather

15. George Bush

16. foreign countries that fuck up my stock…I’m calling your ass out Greece and Egypt!

17. The Steelers, Ravens, Cowboys and Broncos in that order

18. The Red Sox, Yankees, Rangers and White Sox in that order

19. Lebron

20. those fake pastor types on TV

21. Taco Bells that don’t keep the sauce out and you’re forced to ask for more sauce

22. auditions

23. foreigners

24. the local Kia and Toyota of Wilmington commercials

25. Sportscenter

26. losing golf balls

27. posting to YouTube

28. dieting

29. playing from the tips

30. heartburn

31. shitty sauces

32. shitty ranch

33. running

34. reading

35. arrogant people

36. mean people

37. uncourteous people

38. truck repairs

39. Copper Penny beer deals

40. anxiety

Apparently I couldn’t even really write about myself without getting fired up. However, I feel that by expressing my points of view about what bothers me is a direct reflection into my psyche and feelings as a person. So by understanding my aggravations, you will understand me. How about that psycho-babble? And I’m hungover to boot!

Above is a video of me ranting about morons and bad driving in Los Angeles. Enjoy.