DAY 311: Write a complete joke using only one sentence.

Two and a Half Men is better than Seinfeld. Bahahaaaahahhahaha!

DAY 310: Write a short story with you as the protagonist.

I decided to use my moral dilemma sketch I wrote back in the Second City writing lab days. I will play Jim, the protagonist. Again, don’t worry about format, as this is a blog, and you’re a dick if you do.

INT. PENTAGON

TED: Jim!  Welcome!  Glad you made it on time.  C’mon, I’ll give you the nickel tour on our way to your first meeting!

JIM: Wow!  The Pentagon!  I can’t believe I got the job.  Thank you!  Thank you very much!

TED: Oh, no problem!  I mean, you were the most qualified and this requirement has been open for months!  We needed to get someone in your role QUICK before it washed!

Ted leads Jim though the corridor and points out which room is which.

TED: And now here we are.  Now Jim, remember.  This is confidential.  What you are about to see is not viewed by anyone without security clearance level Purple, let alone civilians like your wife or family.

JIM: My wife passed away a year ago from cancer.

TED: Aw!  I’m so sorry to hear that.

JIM: No, no—-it’s fine.  It’s just tough somedays.

TED: Well what you are about to see may not go over as well as expected. 

Ted opens the door and reveals multiple cubicles of information. 

JIM: AIDS cure…Jimmy Hoffa’s body!  Kennedy assassination!

TED: Yep!  This here is where all the magic happens.  This is what we call the “Hollywood Room.” 

JIM: Scandal!  Holy shit!

TED: Yep!

JIM: Oh.  Oh.  Cancer’s cure.  I see.

TED: Yeah…sorry Jim!  It’s just that we make so much money off of research, the treatment programs, and government funds and all the red tape, I mean.  I mean it’s hard I know, but it’s real. 

JIM: How long?

TED: About 8 years now.

JIM: Excuse me for a moment.

Jim collects himself.  Obviously he’s getting fired up.  Enters Aaron.

AARON: Excuse me sir!

TED: Yes?

AARON: What should I do with this new cancer research we concocted last week?  This is that thing we were talking about how we can cure cancer in terminal stages, or whatever.

JIM (under breath): Huh?

TED: Uh, remind me again —- where did we leave off?

AARON: Uh last was the checklist of the people receiving the cure.  We need to still contact the White House for their list, but we need to make sure we’re supplying this stuff to those on the list!  And like, this week sir!

TED: Ahhh, right, right, right, right, right.  Um…well!  Um, how about we do a PowerPoint presentation this afternoon?  We can discuss that and the government’s secret bank account withdrawal policy.  Call the other side of Washington and ask if we can squeeze it in today between the American Cancer Society meeting and the Sasquatch/Roswell forum.

AARON: Right away sir.

JIM: You people make me sick! My poor wife laid there suffering and all we did was pray that someone blessed enough would find a cure in time! I should’ve known!

TED: Well unfortunately nothing can bring her back!  I mean, except for the Fountain of Youth serum we have over in Unit DDDXXX, but that is at an all time low and we wont have any missionaries making that trip for another 3 or 4 years…so it’s real sporadic…but really, there is nothing we can do.  So let’s get going to our meeting.  Try to deal with the circumstances—-this isn’t run like an Applebees!  We need you on your A game all the time!

Jim drags his head and walks behind Ted a little slower.  They enter the conference room.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

TED: Everyone!  This is Jim! 

Jim greets everyone and takes a seat.

TED: Tell them about yourself!

JIM: Well…I’m a hard-working, single parent trying to make ends meet, while trying to teach the values of being an honest person to my young ones. 

The room roars with laughter.

TED: Well I think he meant the values of being a pleasant, civilized person.

JIM: No!  I meant honest.  And I mean it.  I can’t believe you people sit here and have all this information at your disposal, and for what? To keep it bottled up from the general population?

TED: Well I mean, it’s what’s best for them.  The general population is a group of fools.  They cant handle this kind of information. 

JIM: Right.  Sure.  They couldn’t handle having antibiotics that can cure them from disease.  They don’t want to know what’s out there beyond the moon.  They don’t want to know about celebrity scandals!  Sure, right!  I can’t believe this!  I really cant!

TED: So what are you saying?

JIM: I think I’m saying that you might need to reopen that requirement and find someone a little more suitable for this job, from a moral standpoint.

TED: Are you sure?  There’s no turning back once you back out on us! 

JIM: Yes.  Please accept my withdrawal.

TED: Very well.

Ted then pushes a buzzer that immediately smokes Jim into disintegration.

DAY 270: Organize your premises.

Done. New meme and a recipe for the ultimate rip fest:

1/2 cup bean dip

2 slices of roast beef

2 dippy eggs

1 cup of sauerkraut

various cheeses - amount undetermined

dozen onion rings with creamy spicy horseradish sauce

1/2 slab of BBQ ribs

1 piece of country fried steak with gravy fries

6 pack of jalapeno poppers

6 pack of hot fried wings with runny ranch

6 cured meat sticks

12 pack of beer

cigar to end the meal

Dessert: custard pudding filled donut topped with bacon chunks, dipped in a chocolate milkshake (side of more fries to dip in milkshake is optional)

Now the hope is that they’ll smell. No one wants to waste a good rip fest on clean farts. My tip is to try to party with Andrew Zimmern. He’s the king of rippin’ ass.

DAY 266: Watch one of the new fall sitcoms and think of episode ideas for it.

I am not a fan of any of the new sitcoms. So I will propose an episode for a newer show that debuted last year: Up All Night. I am digging of that show, because Applegate and Arnett are gems. I think they should do an episode where they want to take their daughter to church for the first time and all the chaos that ensues with the crying room debate. Do they take the kid in there or not? Do they both go or not? Then, maybe the kid farts and everyone thinks it’s Arnett, who then has to defend himself to the patrons after church. We watch as they struggle through the new, altered Roman Missal and Nicene Creed. Then, the couple gets chosen to light the candles for the altar boys (maybe because the Priest welcomed the child or something, so he had the altar boys step down this time in place of the child), so as Arnett is lighting it and Applegate tries to get a picture, Arnett accidentally lights the altar cloth on fire and they end up having to get the fire extinguisher. Then, when the donations come around, none of them have any money for the basket, and the near patrons shake their head in disapproval. I mean, they could do 5 solid minutes in this 1 location.

DAY 265: Go see a stand-up comedy show. Watch the comics and audience, and determine what jokes the audience will like.

I am going to use my experience from a Tom Papa show I once saw. I love me some Papa. He’s very funny, but I feel like he definitely used some canned material and didn’t work the audience as much as other pros. I do notice that the best comedians typically can work their bits to any audience, but that some do need to either tweak it or find a way to parlay it into the act so that the audience enjoys it. I also notice a lot of good local guys will typically bark about youthful or college related material, being that Wilmington is a young town. I find that a good way would probably be to write about all sorts of shit, then come into the performance and observe to see what you think would work that night, then deliver accordingly. I definitely need to get back into standup once I get done with my theater performances in November. I’m in 2 plays then as well as pre-production for our feature film we’re making in January, so needless to say, it’s gonna be a couple more months before I dive back in. But I enjoy standup as an outlet and way to perform in front of people. I am not trying to “break in” at that level. I don’t have the funds, nor the time to travel the country. I praise those guys that do. They bust ass.

DAY 209: Organize your premises.

Done. Above is the picture of my new character, Darksnake, in the animated series “Action Faction”.

DAY 197: Write a bit about winter weather.

I grew up in the snow. I had an automatic starter on my truck because it was so frigid up north in the winter. And it lasts for half the year! Snow in April! Check out the above video I made before leaving Cleveland back in ‘06, to get an idea.

DAY 191: Try your hand at writing stand-up.

Done. Here’s my complete set for this week…

HISTORICAL WILMINGTON - Wilmington’s a nice, old town.  Nice blend of youth and tradition.  I love how these college kids are coming outta bars all hammered and they end up puking all over the alley.  You wonder “he just yacked where a revolutionary war soldier mighta died”.  Then his buddy comes out and pisses his name all over the wall and you wonder “did General Lee’s horse take a shit there too?”  You know George Washington probably slept where the girl is getting finger blasted by the black dude she just met at Goodfellas. It’s funny to combine carelessness with sacrifice.  I hate people who don’t appreciate history. It’s like when the National Anthem’s being sung at a bar before kickoff for a Team USA soccer match, and some bonehead won’t stop talking about his new iPhone to some broad who just wants free Stolis from the asshole.  Drives me nuts! Show some pride, ya dingbats! Show some appreciation for the flag and what it stands for! And stop acting like you’re partying in college! You’re in downtown Wilmington.  1739! Some guy sacrificed his arms and legs for you to get a $1.75 PBR.  So at least wait until you get back to the dorms before you blow the guy ya just met.

BEACH - I love going to the beach. Big beach goer.  I’m like a kid at the beach.  I show up, spread my arms while my wife lotions me up, then I run frolickly towards the water (imitate running like a pussy, arms spread open). But I’m sucha pussy at the beach! (Wimpy like) “These shells are so hard on my feetsies” as I’m walking into the ocean looking like I’m trying to avoid stepping on a land mine, I’m like my wife when I’m going in the water.  I’m kinda like “Oh, ow, ow.” (imitating stepping on shells). Until I get to the even sand part and then I’m like “arg, elevation” (imitate walking down steps). Looking around for weird shit like jellyfish. “Ooh, get away!” I’m one of those guys that used to wear those water shoes. Right, remember those guys who wear the shoes into the actual water? I’m wearing a t-shirt so my fucking mammies aren’t hanging out. I’m such a pussy at the beach. The worst is when I’m walking into the water and I start doing a tippy toe into the water because it’s “oooh, it’s too cold. It’s starting to touch my belly button.  Ooooh. It’s so cold up here.” (point to tits).  You know the guys that are masculine. They run past you while you’re still fighting the shells and dolphins dives into the first wave they see.  Why can’t I be like that guy? Oh you need a barbed wire tattoo and love going to Goodfellas? Gotcha. OK, OK.  That makes sense. Ahhhh. I love shitting in the ocean. Yep, I said it. Why walk all the way to the Neptune, when you can feed some bottom feeders? My reasoning is that it ain’t a pool and uh…well I gotta shit. So all of you tonight who look down on taking a deuce in the ocean, let me remind you of this…Thomas Jefferson’s wife mighta taken a dump in that very same spot too and that makes me feel like an American.

DAY 182: Reedit some of your older material.

Former:

DROPPING CUBES - I feel like the deformed Fratelli brother, in the Goonies whenever I drop an ice cube out of the freezer and it cracks in half! I’m like “GRRRRRRR!”

Latter:

DROPPING CUBES -I feel like the deformed Fratelli brother, in the Goonies whenever I drop an ice cube out of the freezer and it cracks in half! I’m like “GRRRRRRR!” In the summer down south, ice is a commodity.  Shit’s as expensive as a gallon of milk. I hate it because our water is naturally hot out of the faucet down here in the summer, so it’s like super slow motion, twixtor shit when the ice is falling. I feel like I’m a fire crotch trying to catch melanoma. I’m like “nooooooo” (imitate slow motion and go after the cube) as I make a diving catch in centerfield for the ice.

DAY 139: Write something funny about sex without making it dirty.

I remember the first time I learned about sex.  It was early in my youth.  I was told I had to do it because my parents told me so.  I had to get up early too to do it.  I remember old guys teaching me about it.  They would stand in front of us and show us how to join in this experience.  I remember I had to dress up for it.  I remember I could talk about it to anyone I wanted to, because that’s how I was raised.  Then I was told I had to do it at school once a month or so.  It became apart of me and I still practice it today.  Although I would like to engage in it more often than I do, it still is easy to do once I get back into it.  I hate the people who only do it on holidays.  Gotta run, time for Communion!

DAY 117: Update all your business documents—resumes to web pages.

Done. Here’s a new Dale Archdale video mocking the absurdness of Sexting.  I mean, how does one do this? It takes waaaaaay too long I’d imagine.

DAY 94: Write something funny for a character of the opposite sex.

One of my favorite shows on TV today is “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”.  I love Dennis the best, but I also appreciate Dee (the girl) and her comedy playing into the guys throughout the series.  Here’s my idea: have an episode where Dee wants to get implants so she can impress this millionaire who “kinda hit on her” while she was shopping at Burlington Coat Factory (he came up to her as she was trying on a fur coat and she flirted with him a little and asked his opinion on the jacket, “do you like this coat on me?”, as she playfully laughed and seduced him).  The millionaire, we find out later, was actually there to inspect the premises because he has plans to knock it down and open up an Ikea.  So when Dee gets asked out on a date from the guy, who actually is just asking her out because he wants to probe her about the area being she’s a local, Dee goes to the extreme to look good for this guy.  So she actually goes through with the breast implants, that she has done by some back alley doctor the gang finds for her for like $500 and some sex, and shows up to the date wearing this sexy dress.  The problem is that her tits start to bleed during the date, the gang shows up to tell her that she was supposed to have sex with the doctor that night because the doctor’s pissed off now and thus, the gang won’t get something from him that they wanted initially also (figure that one out later).  The finale joke is that the millionaire is happily married with kids, who all show up during the date, as Dee is dripping in blood and all wet from the gang trying to help stop the bleeding by dousing her with water.  We finish with the gang leaving her there after Danny DeVito shows up to tell them that the doctor was arrested and thus, the gang doesn’t need whatever they needed from him to begin with.  At the end, Dee looks at the millionaire and says “Do you like this dress on me?”

It needs some re-writes, but it’s a start, right?

Above is Part 2 of the UPS Commercial Spoof webseries.

DAY 82: Analyze a comedy writer you haven’t read before. What does he or she do right that you’d like to try?

I decided to go again with one of my favorite comedians, Kevin James.  And lack of time today prevented my from analyzing one of his longer bits.  But I still took one of the funniest segments in his Comedy Central Presents show “Sweat the Small Stuff.” It involves him being overweight and not having a reason to sweat.  I am a louder and bigger comic similar to him, so I try to emulate his energy if I can because he does it so well.I especially like when he becomes more subtle after his friends call him out during the joke.  I think he’s great at finding balance between being loud and being subtle throughout his performance.

For those in Wilmington, please come see my show on Sunday March 25th @ 8:00 PM at Bottega Art & Wine in downtown Wilmington.

DAY 73: Write about your earliest memories.

My earliest memory is of age 3 when I grew up in Brunswick, Ohio.  It is an adventure I took with my buddy, John Martineau, in hopes to find naked ladies in the woods behind his house.  So we embarked on the mission to find the naked ladies through pickers and briar patches.  For some genius reason, my little mind decided that “if we get naked and walk through the woods, we’d be ready for them.” So we got naked and our little 3 year old wangies waived around in the wind, as if it were a compass guiding us to our destiny in hopes to find the gold box that is the female box.  Well about 3 hours later, needless to say, our parents were scared shitless and we were gonna be in big trouble.  It was getting late and dark.  What the hell are we gonna do?  Where the hell are we?  Then the sound of angels came roaring in the form of a Black 1981 Yamaha YZ 465 Dirt Bike that my brother rode into the woods with, as if he was the last saving grace in some poor Mexican town that’s become overrun by the evil gang and their fearless leader, El Guapo.  We never did score that day, but for some reason, that’s my earliest memory.  I still can’t believe I was thinking of boobies when I was 3?!?

DAY 71: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

The word I am choosing this month is similitude. I decided to lookup “soulmate” and find a bigger word for it.  It means likeness; similarity.  My reason?  Because my wife’s birthday was today (when I am physically writing this, i.e., Friday) and I want to praise her as much as I can.  She is a tremendous soul. She is my inspiration and to be frank, she keeps me sane.  In this crazy world, she’s the person I rely on most to keep me focused and she drives me to want to be great.  Plus, she’s a damn cutie.  I mean, her heart must wrap around this planet 10 times.  Her soul buzzes like a freakin vuvuzela. I can’t thank her enough for getting me through some tough times as well as being such a sport.  I’m a bear and she puts up with it.  I love her for it and that’s why I decided to write about her.

In honor of her being my soulmate, here’s a video I created and she actually lent her voice to it.  It’s called “Pornstar Soulmates”.