DAY 215: Write a bit about something in nature.
I’ve never done this before, but today I’m sharing a Dale Archdale script. It’s for “Tenter to the Stars,” coming in early fall. Again, fuck format and pronoun usage, it’s a comedy blog. And I promise it’s the last OIive Garden meme.
DALE: Tired of life and you just wanna say “Fuck it, let’s go to a National Park and try not to get rear-end fucked by some bears”?
Close-up of LADY 1’s face.
LADY 1 (nodding): Mmm. Hmmm.
DALE: Your man away and you need a man’s man to do an eagle scout’s job and camp the shit outta some nature?
Close-up of LADY 2’s face.
LADY 2: Yeah.
DALE: Well fucking call my ass. I’m fucking Dale Archdale, the tenting torchbearer.
CUT TO: Dale sitting there in chair drinkin beer and lawn fishing, while J puts the tent together.
QUICK CUT: Her struggling (do 3 takes of various stuggles to get the tent up)…then it’s up.
DALE: Bout time. I was getting bored just watching you.
Dale walks past her into the tent and she’s standing there tired as shit.
DALE: Get in here and put up my tent pole now.
DALE: I don’t like this spot…break it down and move it over a couple feet…hurry up, real quick!
CUT TO: Blue screen. Background is a random summer scene.
DALE: Oh did I fucking forget to mention that I was the chapter president for the 1991 KOA striped bass fishing to fight Sam Goody’s flawed forearms with only split shot, night bobbers and worm harnesses frenzy freakout fanatical friendly fever for featured fitting financial fortress fights? Now you want me to dress up like the Shoney Bear and get our furry on?
CUT TO: Dale is against wall.
DALE: Lesbians love camping. It reminds them of what could be.
Closeup of hotdogs being grilled.
CUT TO: Dale is trying to rub 2 sticks together to start a fire.
DALE: How did Kevin Bacon do this in White Water Summer? Fucking Bacon, man.
QUICK CUT: Dale tosses the sticks, squirts the lighter fluid, throws a match and flame erupts.
DALE: Boy scouts are stupid.
CUT TO: Close-up of Dale holding “Time Out” VHS tape in one hand along with box in other hand.
DALE: Every gore-tex grill brush set comes with a free copy of Time Out with Arsenio Hall and Magic Johnson!
DALE: I hate when people say ‘awkward’…Shut up ya dick!
DALE: You like grilling wieners. Well I got one for you to fire up and smoke…c’mere bitch!
Dale chases after her, jumping over the fire.
CUT TO: Dale is standing there by fire pit.
DALE: The African tribes are pussies.
He walks through the hot coals and fake fucks the air giving a thumbs up.
DALE: Pancake titties. With fresh maple syrup from Crocker Barrell.
CUT TO: Dale is squatting in woods and shitting.
DALE: Best part of camping. Spreading a little of me all over nature.
DALE: Watch out for big burly bears.
INSERT: Generic clip of bear running through woods.
Dale is running from bear, pushing Jamie out of way, and continuing to run while she is laying on ground.
DALE: Hey Progressive, Flo’s annoying as shit! You’ve done been on my nerves for 3 years running.
In tent, Dale puts the fan towards him.
DALE: There we go.
CUT TO: Dale is laying there in tent freaked out by noises.
DALE: Go check it out!
Cut to her about to leave.
DALE: Don’t forget the lantern.
Dale hands her the flashlight and showers her with 16 D batteries.
CUT TO: Dale is fishing with her.
DALE: Put my worm on. There’s only certain slimy things I’ll use my fingers on.
DALE: C’mon, don’t be a wussy.
She hesitates. Cut to Dale putting the worm on with the big hook thingy we have.
CUT TO: Dale catching fish, throwing it in air, and trying to hit it with stick like it’s a baseball.
DALE: Fish ain’t hooked on no feelings.
QUICK CUT: Dale slamming beers, J offering bug spray, Dale hitting it away, burping, slamming beer, singing, slamming beer, falling over, sleeping, waking up with Bug bites all over me (use red lipstick)
CUT TO: Dale has bug bites on him still (red lipstick).
DALE: So if you need a wigwam enthusiast, give me a call, Dale Archdale, I don’t fuck around. Mmm, here comes that slice of hair pie. Yeah.