DAY 361: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

For maybe my final vocabulary thinger, I’m pickin quandary. It means uncertainty. Like this blog. My friends don’t even read it. Besides my parents (thanks ma!), anyone else out there?

Shit mayne…dag gone ba donger ding. (beat) I don’t know if I’m gonna take the challenge and repeat this again in 2013. I’m trying to cut back, like the number of fantasy leagues next year. Like on other shit besides the important shit: Archdale - production/post-production (including researching distribution/prepping for film festival submissions - media kit, financing), finishing 3 scripts, maybe some improv classes (consistent this time! all 6 weeks in a row? can it be done), put on the Hitman play (Kilby collaboration) in the fall/winter, start organizing my writing kit to send out to lit agents in 2014, including finishing the TV pilot and spec script for the kit.  But most importantly…MJW Careers. I can’t wait to just dive in all day on that!

Cheers to making it a good 2013!

DAY 235: Analyze a comic you haven’t seen before. What does he or she do right that you’d like to try in your writing?

I’ve decided to do Jim Breuer, because let’s be honest, he’s fucking hilarious. I’ve never seen him live, so I’m gonna use him. Let’s do his infamous “Alcohol” bit.

1. I love his crazy sound effects and dialects.
2. It’s best when he acts like the guy questioning himself out loud - “I don’t know what happened tonight.” - I enjoy acting as if also. Talking like how you think they might have talked in that situation. He does it again when he goes “he’s here man” when he’s acting like Beer.
3. I like how he imitates each of the alcohols.
4. When he says “what’s up” and “he’s crazy man”, it’s hilarious because he talks how I do. He reminds me also of my brother and how my bro talks.
5. Stomach if funny too. As the bouncer. All throughout. Especially when he goes “I had it up to here now.”
6. I like how he compares it to how a real party is - “People find out about the party”, “Not knowing each other, that creates tension.”
7. Heineken vs Scotch is an awesome premise.
8. Saki is the best accent.
9. Tequila stereotypes is on point.  I like the Tony Montana influence. I love the leg thing where they all sneak under his legs. But when he starts mimicking the Mexican music and them shooting off guns, I lost it.
10. Stomach kicking everyone out is a great ending.

DAY 232: Edit some of your older material.

CAR HORN - How about when your car horn not collecting your anger! if someone cuts me off and I wanna use my car horn, I go to do it and it goes “beep” real pussy-like and you’re like FUCK! Why cant I have a freakin semi or tanker horn? I want it to sound like a lion and it sounds like the damn road runner. I want it sound like Russel Crowe in Gladiator and it sounds like Mark Wahlberg in Italian Job.

DAY 231: Ask a friend for a subject to write about, then make it funny.

I asked my ole lady and she told me to write about candles. Let me tell you about candles. I love em. I love smelling shit. I always smelled shit growing up. I love nostalgic smells and smells that are reminders of the past. I love how I have a friend who can’t smell. We always make fun of him. We’re like “Well at least you have music as a sort of nostalgia, Rick.” Then we make fun of how chicken tastes like steak to him. But candles. Yes, right. I love how candles are probably the most feminine thing a man buys and enjoys. We are all like “Hey, hand me that wrench. And light that fucking summer lemon candle, brah.” I always light candles when we’re gonna play hanky panky. You have to, that’s the other 50% reason we have them. Sometimes I just wanna eat the shit outta a candle. Sometimes it’s good to light a candle when you are having a rip fest…you know, to combat the fart molecules. Anyways, candles rule, I love em and I am loud and proud about it. Ya heard.

DAY 225: What did you want to be when you were a kid? Write a comedic piece on what your life would be like if you were that.

Sorry this is a day late. I was too busy yesterday dominating the PGA Championship peak in person. But I’m gonna do a quick one-liner bit for today’s post. Assume you’re standing there and you wanna get in that quick side story to your friend, but don’t want to steal his thunder, because you know your story isn’t great (and you want to avoid a “Cool story bro, tell it again” moment), so you do a quick one-liner blurb just so you can get it out of the way. Here’s mine: “I wanted to be a Doctor so much that I took Latin classes in High School, which I stunk at, and then in college for my 1 language course because that’s the only language I knew. Turned out to be my only D I ever got in my life and I still don’t know anything about old Greek mythology.” So you were saying that the Browns look like shit this year?

DAY 220: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

Today’s word is coadjute. It means to group or unite.  Since we’re in full swing of the summer Olympics, I thought what would be more appropriate? It really was cool to see that Kirani James dude from Grenada take home the gold. Those people were so pumped to see that and it was truly cool to see how happy they were. Now, I don’t want anyone from any other country to win at anything, but for a moment, I even got chills when I saw his fellow countryman celebrating at what looks like a Holiday Inn conference room. Damn, I love the Olympics. Everyone is united. Everyone talks about them when you meet up. I was at a wedding this past weekend and it was easily top 3 conversation icebreakers. But what sums it down for me is the Olympic Theme song that plays on the outros of NBC. Everyone always whistles the Olympics theme song outro. We love it! Me and my ole man did it together out of nowhere last week. Me and Jamie do it too! It’s truly a time in the world when we’re all united to see the greatest athletes compete at what they do best. Can’t wait to see what happens with the medal count. We’re awfully close to China, but at least our lives don’t depend on us winning.

DAY 219: Research and make contact with four new markets for your work.

1. Matt Schweppe Contact - One of my production company partners met someone who can assist us with generating more commercial business.

2. Shane Thompson - Assisting me with the Dale Archdale feature script.

3. Resume Company - Company that hired me to work on resumes for them. Nice consistent income.

4. John Slade - New production partner looking to work on a southern comedy script together.

DAY 218:  Write a bit about technology.

Technology. Where would we be without it? Stuck in the Pioneer days? Well then that would be fuckin sweet. I hate people who bitch about dumb shit like “oh, this fork looks a little dirty” or “we can’t shower in the lake, it’s full of fishies.” Go fuck yourself ya dipshit! Pioneers did whatever the fuck they wanted and they were cool about it. Now we got technology. And when technology came, so did laws. And now we’re a bunch of pussies. “Oh, you can’t let your 13 year old drive the car” or “you shouldn’t let him eat that cereal, there’s too much sugar in it.” Go stab yourself, lady. You’re making your kid a pussy.  Then that same mom will let the kid play on his iPad during church and post to Facebook during his grandpa’s funeral. It’s like, da fuck? Technology is cool, don’t get me wrong. But when I grew up, the age of Oregon Trail and Apple IIe’s, the Internet was just another cool band name. Now, it’s taken over the lives of kids and these kids aren’t gonna know how to play war in the woods with their buddies unless they Google it first. Drives me crazy. Now get off the computer and go outside ya dink. As for me, I gotta go watch a movie I downloaded off my computer, on my computer, while I monitor my eBay bids, after checking my ESPN alerts on my iPhone.

DAY 216: Write something that uses the full level of your intelligence.

The vortex of the hypothesis of the quadrant reactor, juxtaposes itself from the variance, until the ratio formulaic obtuse physics repositions across the ROYGBIV. Cradle to grave. At the end of the day, we’re looking to increase the decrease of reduction additional resources from the research and development subject matter experts. Win-win. Absorbed costing can hang the bell on the cat anytime the cow jumps over the moon. You can stick your head up the butcher’s ass to get a good look…wait a minute, it’s gotta be your bull. Working lunch is what I’m about to do. 

I wrote plenty of papers in college using my full level of intelligence. It was all downhill from there. I mean, what the hell kinda task is this anyways, stupid ass author?

DAY 215: Write a bit about something in nature.

I’ve never done this before, but today I’m sharing a Dale Archdale script. It’s for “Tenter to the Stars,” coming in early fall. Again, fuck format and pronoun usage, it’s a comedy blog. And I promise it’s the last OIive Garden meme.

DALE: Tired of life and you just wanna say “Fuck it, let’s go to a National Park and try not to get rear-end fucked by some bears”?

Close-up of LADY 1’s face.

LADY 1 (nodding): Mmm. Hmmm.

DALE: Your man away and you need a man’s man to do an eagle scout’s job and camp the shit outta some nature?

Close-up of LADY 2’s face.

LADY 2: Yeah.

DALE: Well fucking call my ass.  I’m fucking Dale Archdale, the tenting torchbearer.

CUT TO: Dale sitting there in chair drinkin beer and lawn fishing, while J puts the tent together.

QUICK CUT: Her struggling (do 3 takes of various stuggles to get the tent up)…then it’s up.

DALE: Bout time. I was getting bored just watching you.

Dale walks past her into the tent and she’s standing there tired as shit.

DALE: Get in here and put up my tent pole now.

CUT TO:

DALE: I don’t like this spot…break it down and move it over a couple feet…hurry up, real quick!

CUT TO: Blue screen. Background is a random summer scene.

DALE: Oh did I fucking forget to mention that I was the chapter president for the 1991 KOA striped bass fishing to fight Sam Goody’s flawed forearms with only split shot, night bobbers and worm harnesses frenzy freakout fanatical friendly fever for featured fitting financial fortress fights? Now you want me to dress up like the Shoney Bear and get our furry on?

CUT TO: Dale is against wall.

DALE: Lesbians love camping. It reminds them of what could be.

Closeup of hotdogs being grilled.

CUT TO: Dale is trying to rub 2 sticks together to start a fire.

DALE: How did Kevin Bacon do this in White Water Summer? Fucking Bacon, man.

QUICK CUT: Dale tosses the sticks, squirts the lighter fluid, throws a match and flame erupts.

DALE: Boy scouts are stupid.

ARCHDALE WHISPER.

CUT TO: Close-up of Dale holding “Time Out” VHS tape in one hand along with box in other hand.

DALE: Every gore-tex grill brush set comes with a free copy of Time Out with Arsenio Hall and Magic Johnson!

CUT TO:

DALE: I hate when people say ‘awkward’…Shut up ya dick!

CUT TO:

DALE: You like grilling wieners. Well I got one for you to fire up and smoke…c’mere bitch!

Dale chases after her, jumping over the fire.

CUT TO: Dale is standing there by fire pit.

DALE: The African tribes are pussies.

He walks through the hot coals and fake fucks the air giving a thumbs up.

DALE: Pancake titties. With fresh maple syrup from Crocker Barrell.

CUT TO: Dale is squatting in woods and shitting.

DALE: Best part of camping. Spreading a little of me all over nature.

CUT TO:

DALE: Watch out for big burly bears.

INSERT: Generic clip of bear running through woods.

Dale is running from bear, pushing Jamie out of way, and continuing to run while she is laying on ground.

CUT TO:

DALE: Hey Progressive, Flo’s annoying as shit! You’ve done been on my nerves for 3 years running.

In tent, Dale puts the fan towards him.

DALE: There we go.

CUT TO: Dale is laying there in tent freaked out by noises.

DALE: Go check it out!

Cut to her about to leave.

DALE: Don’t forget the lantern.

Dale hands her the flashlight and showers her with 16 D batteries.

CUT TO: Dale is fishing with her.

DALE: Put my worm on. There’s only certain slimy things I’ll use my fingers on.

She hesitates.

DALE: C’mon, don’t be a wussy.

She hesitates. Cut to Dale putting the worm on with the big hook thingy we have.

CUT TO: Dale catching fish, throwing it in air, and trying to hit it with stick like it’s a baseball.

DALE: Fish ain’t hooked on no feelings.

QUICK CUT: Dale slamming beers, J offering bug spray, Dale hitting it away, burping, slamming beer, singing, slamming beer, falling over, sleeping, waking up with Bug bites all over me (use red lipstick)

CUT TO: Dale has bug bites on him still (red lipstick).

DALE: So if you need a wigwam enthusiast, give me a call, Dale Archdale, I don’t fuck around.  Mmm, here comes that slice of hair pie. Yeah.

DAY 212: Rewrite your oldest bit.

GAMECHANGERS - I gotta buddy with Muscles. Justin. Anybody got one of these? I feel like a fucking showman at a circus when I go out with him.  All weekend, “hey ladies, check out my buddy over there…with the muscles.  He thinks your cute. And…he’s shy.” We’re always playing the shy card. Which works well when he’s tired and isn’t motivated to talk because of all the working out he’s doing. The best is when his fellow muscle meathead friends are in town and they all have pecs too.  So we call them…the GAMECHANGERS.  At the beach, chicks come up to them and talk. We bring the Molten (volleyball) as the ultimate icebreaker for them to pickup chicks. So me and my non-pec buddies wanna hang with the gamechangers so we can “pick up all the scraps”. We’re like “wherever they’re going, we’re going.” We’re like “hey guys, take off your shirts. It’s midnight in the bar, who cares” It’s like we’re getting hit on tonight vicariously through them. We can feel safe tonight hanging with gamechangers in case we get in fight, so now we’re talking shit on everybody.  And when Justin the gamechanger comes out, it’s like fishing with dynamite on these dimes.

Above is a picture of a present I got from my mom. Pretty fucking sweet, right?

DAY 211: Write a bit about writing.

Writing is the single most fun thing to me in the entertainment field. It’s also the hardest. I wish I was better at it and I’m still learning a lot as it will always be a growing event as I change and things happen in life. But I will summarize it like this. Just this past weekend, I got a chance to watch 2 newer episodes of Workaholics.  To see where it was to where it is now comes down to writers. Better writers. A show starts off kinda funny and it “works” and you laugh once every say 3 minutes. That’s how I felt at first about the show. But then I watched an episode where they were trying to start their own religion and they used gay wrestlers to do it and it was a laugh at EVERY SINGLE LINE. And that’s when you know it’s simply better writing. You get a team of good writers and they will churn out some good shit. Look at how Seinfeld got better and better. Same with the Simpsons. Although there does come a time when your show will jump the shark and not be as good anymore and that sucks. It’s happened to me with Entourage’s last season, the more recent Simpsons episodes, South Park’s past 2 seasons and It’s Always Sunny’s past season. In any case, good writing is pimp and I wanna be the one who gets to be it’s bitch. Beat me, writing. Beat me good.

DAY 210: Pick a bit that’s not working and fix it.

LOSING WEIGHT’S EXPENSIVE - Losing weight’s expensive. You gotta buy all the fruits and vegetables which is pricey, sometimes organic which is even more. And we won’t get into my bit about how you have to monitor the fridge and the vegetables to make sure you gobble em up before they go bad. I treat my fridge like a god damn triage unit. Then you gotta buy the Weight Watchers program. You gotta invest in running shoes and exercise equipment. You gotta buy a personal trainer and life coach.  You gotta buy protein shakes and all sorts of energy bars.  You gotta buy a new wardrobe every 3 months. You buy a lot of protein — lots of various meats and fish.  Good cuts of meat and fish! And you never know what the market rate’s gonna be that week. Lots of reduced fat, low calorie, fat free and sugar free items. Lot of vitamins in your life. Well those are 15 bucks for a 50 count.

DAY 209: Organize your premises.

Done. Above is the picture of my new character, Darksnake, in the animated series “Action Faction”.

DAY 208: Organize the funny articles you’ve read.

Done. New meme.