DAY 74: Write and perform three minutes of stand-up comedy.
This works perfect because I am planning on performing stand-up this Thursday as practice for our movie premiere night on March 25th. I plan on doing a 5 minute routine at the movie premiere for “Change” and “Dale Archdale” so 3 minutes is nothing.
Here are the 3 minutes though just so I can complete this task today:
Tonight, I wanna talk about some things I don’t understand.
AWKWARD COUPLE: You ever see that couple that just doesnt make sense? She’s too old, he’s too young; she’s a cougar, he looks like a werewolf/yetti; she’s loaded, he looks like he’s been occupying all day. It confuses me. I wonder why she’s dating this guy? 1Maybe she’s been there, done that with the older, distinguished gentlemen. 2Right, like maybe she’s made her own way and can now play around a bit and doesn’t need anyone with stability and money. 3You know she digs running around with the bartender who only works weekends. 4Maybe she’s doing it for kicks…you know to “try” out the guy who lives below the poverty line. You think in bed she’s moaning and saying shit like “yeah, yeah, tell me about your checkings account balance!” and he’s like “uh, 6 bucks” and she’s like “yeah, yeah, you can’t even buy an appetizer at Applebees with that! Yeah” “Hey, Do you shop at Harris Teeter?” “Uh, no Food Lion” “Ooooooh. Food stamps?” “Yeah.” “Yeah, that’s it, right there. Don’t stop!” “Tell me about occupying Front street. You occupy right, cause your so poor?” “Yeah” “Oh yeah!” “You getting all dirty from being on the ground?” “Yeah” “Oh yeah, you scrubbing yourself afterwards cause your dirty?” “No.” “Oh my god Im gonna cum!” “What kinda car you drive?” “Uh a Malibu” “no you dont. Say Civic, say Civic!” “Ooh yeah. Keep toiling, right there. Don’t stop. Right there. Toil! Toil!”
But, it’s just like “what the hell are these 2 doing together?” In their defense though, I tend to question a lot of things. I’m always asking “what the hell is going on with this shit?” Usually it’s on TV. TV pisses me off. Bad acting, bad writing, bad local commercials. Whatever! It’s just a shitstorm of crap anymore. Like Baileys doing a commercial.
BAILEYS – I saw this new Bailey’s commercial last night and they’re still harping “drink responsibly.” Baileys. Drink Responsibly. Baileys? Drink Responsibly? Is there any other way to drink it? Arent we as consumers aware that Baileys is mainly used as a post-meal compliment to coffee on one of our “crazy nights” with our parents and their friends. And why are they advertising in general as if I’m gonna go out and buy a 5th of this stuff and start pouring straights and pounding shots of Baileys…I’m sure I’m not gonna get too crazy…I’m not gonna be like “Hey Honey! Ur driving home tonight, I had way too much Irish Cream” Baileys. Drink Responsibly. How else can I drink it? Im sure im not gonna get too irresponsible. It’s not like its scotch. Even if it were as strong as scotch, how many times can you slug shit that’s made from milk and cream? Great, so I’ll be the guy who keeps blowing up the bathroom, getting squirts all over the toilet. “Hey, do you guys have any baby wipes at this party, because I think the Bailey’s is starting to kick in. I’m drunk, but I definitely got the runs too. This is an awesome party!” Asking the drug guy “hey man…shhhh..hey…you uh…you uh…got any Imodium I could score?”
What’s worse than 30 seconds of my life being wasted on a commercial, is when it’s 30 minutes of my life being wasted! Or even a full hour! I mean, isn’t it funny when u hate a show and never watch it, but the 2 times u catch it, it ends up being the same episode both times. This happened to me yesterday. I’m flipping around and I come to Prison Break on syndication.
PRISON BREAK: – You guys remember Prison Break, right? I mean it was a show…….about BREAKING…. outta prison. Shouldn’t this be over by now? Doesn’t a prison break only take a day. What, so im supposed to see everything leadin up to the “big night”..who gives a shit about what some asshole criminal did to break outta prison….im sure its not much different from the usual “mixed up cops” and a SHANKING
———how much can they actually show? (TRAILER GUY’S VOICE) – “1st, they found something to dig with…then they dug…then, they, dug somemore…now, stay tuned for the season finale where they catch a cab.
——-and the fact it took ya a whole season mustve meant it wasn’t a very good plan. I mean lets do a show where @ least im breaking outta something more interesting like my Columbia Record House contract