DAY 74: Write and perform three minutes of stand-up comedy.

This works perfect because I am planning on performing stand-up this Thursday as practice for our movie premiere night on March 25th.  I plan on doing a 5 minute routine at the movie premiere for “Change” and “Dale Archdale” so 3 minutes is nothing. 

Here are the 3 minutes though just so I can complete this task today:

Tonight, I wanna talk about some things I don’t understand.

AWKWARD COUPLE: You ever see that couple that just doesnt make sense? She’s too old, he’s too young; she’s a cougar, he looks like a werewolf/yetti; she’s loaded, he looks like he’s been occupying all day. It confuses me.  I wonder why she’s dating this guy?  1Maybe she’s been there, done that with the older, distinguished gentlemen.  2Right, like maybe she’s made her own way and can now play around a bit and doesn’t need anyone with stability and money.  3You know she digs running around with the bartender who only works weekends.  4Maybe she’s doing it for kicks…you know to “try” out the guy who lives below the poverty line.  You think in bed she’s moaning and saying shit like “yeah, yeah, tell me about your checkings account balance!” and he’s like “uh, 6 bucks” and she’s like “yeah, yeah, you can’t even buy an appetizer at Applebees with that! Yeah” “Hey, Do you shop at Harris Teeter?” “Uh, no Food Lion” “Ooooooh.  Food stamps?” “Yeah.” “Yeah, that’s it, right there. Don’t stop!” “Tell me about occupying Front street.  You occupy right, cause your so poor?” “Yeah” “Oh yeah!” “You getting all dirty from being on the ground?” “Yeah” “Oh yeah, you scrubbing yourself afterwards cause your dirty?” “No.”  “Oh my god Im gonna cum!” “What kinda car you drive?” “Uh a Malibu” “no you dont. Say Civic, say Civic!” “Ooh yeah. Keep toiling, right there. Don’t stop. Right there. Toil! Toil!”

But, it’s just like “what the hell are these 2 doing together?”  In their defense though, I tend to question a lot of things.  I’m always asking “what the hell is going on with this shit?”  Usually it’s on TV.  TV pisses me off.  Bad acting, bad writing, bad local commercials.  Whatever! It’s just a shitstorm of crap anymore.  Like Baileys doing a commercial.

BAILEYS – I saw this new Bailey’s commercial last night and they’re still harping “drink responsibly.”  Baileys.  Drink Responsibly.  Baileys?  Drink Responsibly? Is there any other way to drink it?  Arent we as consumers aware that Baileys is mainly used as a post-meal compliment to coffee on one of our “crazy nights” with our parents and their friends.  And why are they advertising in general as if I’m gonna go out and buy a 5th of this stuff and start pouring straights and pounding shots of Baileys…I’m sure I’m not gonna get too crazy…I’m not gonna be like “Hey Honey!  Ur driving home tonight, I had way too much Irish Cream”  Baileys.  Drink Responsibly.  How else can I drink it?  Im sure im not gonna get too irresponsible.  It’s not like its scotch. Even if it were as strong as scotch, how many times can you slug shit that’s made from milk and cream? Great, so I’ll be the guy who keeps blowing up the bathroom, getting squirts all over the toilet.  “Hey, do you guys have any baby wipes at this party, because I think the Bailey’s is starting to kick in.  I’m drunk, but I definitely got the runs too.  This is an awesome party!” Asking the drug guy “hey man…shhhh..hey…you uh…you uh…got any Imodium I could score?”

What’s worse than 30 seconds of my life being wasted on a commercial, is when it’s 30 minutes of my life being wasted! Or even a full hour!  I mean, isn’t it funny when u hate a show and never watch it, but the 2 times u catch it, it ends up being the same episode both times. This happened to me yesterday.  I’m flipping around and I come to Prison Break on syndication.

PRISON BREAK: – You guys remember Prison Break, right?  I mean it was a show…….about BREAKING…. outta prison.  Shouldn’t this be over by now?  Doesn’t a prison break only take a day.  What, so im supposed to see everything leadin up to the “big night”..who gives a shit about what some asshole criminal did to break outta prison….im sure its not much different from the usual “mixed up cops” and a SHANKING
———how much can they actually show?  (TRAILER GUY’S VOICE) – “1st, they found something to dig with…then they dug…then, they, dug somemore…now, stay tuned for the season finale where they catch a cab.
——-and the fact it took ya a whole season mustve meant it wasn’t a very good plan.  I mean lets do a show where @ least im breaking outta something more interesting like my Columbia Record House contract

DAY 15: Write in the stream-of-consciousness style.

This is going to be an interesting challenge.  Firstly, a stream of consciousness is a narrative mode (conveying a plot to the audience) that seeks to portray an individual’s point of view by giving the written equivalent of the character’s thought processes, either in a loose interior monologue, or in connection to his or her actions. So think Lt. Frank Drebin when he has his inner monologues throughout the movie The Naked Gun. 

Fuck you YouTube.  I hate you.  Couldn’t you make my life easier? I mean, I dig being able to find tutorials on you.  But, I don’t like when I’m forced to keep my computer on overnight to upload a 800 MB file that takes 10 hours to complete, and I awaken to find that there was either an error in connection or it didn’t process correctly.  But, but, but when it does upload correctly, then there’s some stupid ass copyright law that fringes upon me being able to view the damn video! I mean c’mon!!!! It’s a fucking wedding video sample I want to use to showcase our abilities to shoot a wedding for potential future clients.  God forbid I receive 25 views in the next 3 months on this damn video.  Oh man, I can’t wait to make absolutely nothing from you guys off this video! It’s gonna be great! I mean, YouTube has made it impossible for comedians to actually have a video go viral when it doesn’t have either cool After FX plugins or a god damn celebrity in it. It’s extremely frustrating playing the YouTube game and I’ve quit many times in the past 5 years.  But, I keep coming back.  I keep playing the game.  And why? Oh because maybe someday I will have one, just one, viral video.  I’ll out-view the stupid ass cat playing the Vuvuzela or the half-ass made standup comedy bit by a B-list comedian who only gets credit for being on lame VH1 shows. Maybe one day I’ll make something that shines and gets seen by some Producer or Director. Ha, yeah right.  I mean, I’ve had more views on videos that take me 2 hours to write, produce, shoot and edit than ones I’ve spent months upon creating and executing.  Oh, YouTube. You’re so fucking sweet.  “Oh yeah, me and YouTube go out and party and pull in all the tail and get super drunk together.  YouTube’s so cool like that.  He parties all night long and just keeps all the yucks coming! Everyone loves YouTube.  Man, I love YouTube! He’s my best friend.” Fucking joke.  So my rant today as you can tell is of a recent incident that occurred.  I’m talking within the last 24 hours.  All I wanted to do was post a sample video of our Seaside Videography services and I ended up with frustration and rage.  “This video contains content from Believe, GoDigital MG For a Third Party, Pirames International Srl, UMG and EMI, one or more of whom have blocked it in your country on copyright grounds. Banned from the United States.” I don’t need this added stress.  But apparently, having a fucking Dean Martin song causes reprimand. I should learn that YouTube is so cool and that we can only play super sweet music like LMFAO to get it by the system.  That’s my fault; not yours YouTube.  You’re so fucking sweet. All the middle-agers at the water cooler love you.  I’ll definitely put some cool Taylor Swift music in there next time.  You weren’t mad at me, you were just reminding me that I needed to put super sweet music in my videos so that they won’t get banned in the U.S.  Good call bud.  See you tonight for some playoff games.  Can’t wait, YouTube, can’t wait.

And on a side note, I fucking hate college basketball fans who are actually at the game.  These kids won’t ever shut up and it’s annoying as shit.  I’m forced to mute the damn channel.

DAY 12: Try rewriting a comedy idea you wrote for one genre into another genre.

Today’s task is a doozy (I love saying that term…it’s like saying “he’s such a ham”).  Anyway,  the genre I initially created this bit for was standup comedy.  However, I think I will attempt to make this a 30 second radio voiceover trailer.  The bit mocks “Prison Break” coming to DVD.  For those who don’t know, Prison Break is a shitstorm of a show that I never got into.  Here is the bit below.  If you listen to the audio that’s attached to this posting, you will hear my attempt to make it a funny commercial ad spoof.

PRISON BREAK: So this Christmas, my sister-in-law wanted the Prison Break DVD.  You guys remember Prison Break, right?  I mean it was a show…….about BREAKING…. outta prison.  Shouldn’t this be over by now?  Doesn’t a prison break only take a day.  What, so I’m supposed to see everything leadin up to the “big night”. Who gives a shit about what some asshole criminal did to break outta jail.  I’m sure its not much different from the usual ‘mixed-up cops’ and a SHANKING.  How much can they actually show?  (TRAILER GUY’S VOICE) “1st, they found something to dig with…then they dug…then, they, dug even more.  Now, stay tuned for the season finale where they…catch a cab.” And the fact it took ya a whole season must’ve meant it wasn’t a very good plan.  I mean let’s do a show where at least I’m breaking outta something more interesting like my Columbia Record House contract.