DAY 34: Go someplace new and write about the experience.

My new adventure today was going to the dermatologist.  I had some stupid ass dry scalp that needed to get fixed up.  I needed something stronger than the usual shampoo.  Holy shit was this experience electrifying.  It began with my wife and I entering the building.  The fucking Wilmington Dermatology Center is the place to be on a Thursday morning.  And man does it look futuristic, and pretty freakin sweet.  It’s actually quite intimidating because you don’t know how crazy the party inside’s gonna be. You don’t know if there’s a cover charge to see the doctor or what.  After I filled out the 4 pages of information that was probably a way for them to know if I was super sweet and was ready to have a good ass time, I finally got to go into the extra small and cozy waiting room.  My wife stayed with me in the office until the doc came in because she wanted to rage also. A fellow Buckeye, the doc was very nice, helpful and a complete lush.She gave me a prescription for some foam shit and ended our orientation, but not without letting us hit the bong a few times. So far, this appointment was a freakin blast. But, now the good stuff.  Now, the best part.  And the best part being, uh the checkout.  The lady was all like “It’s $45.” and I’m like uh, hell yeah. Best damn 10 minutes I’ve had in awhile.  And a double bonus because there was a cover charge! Sweet! Now I knew that this place was a good party, because otherwise it would’ve just been free. So then I headed out totally giving heads up and “hellos” to everyone in the hallway. Fucking sweet, brah!

DAY 23: Pick a piece that drags and put more energy into it.

Former:

FACEBOOK: Here’s a typical introduction at a party in Wilmington.  “Hi guys, this is my friend Matt” “Hi Matt. Im Frank” “Nice to meet you Frank.  I think we know each other.” “Yeah, we’re Facebook friends” “Right, of course. Sorry about that, Frank.” It’s like shit Frank, sorry I didn’t remember who you were out of all my other 1100 virtual friendships I got going on.  And then there’s Alex.  Alex is the guy who calls you out when you didn’t accept his friendship.  “Well it’s nice to meet you Matt, I’m Alex. You’d probably know me if you would’ve accepted my friendship. Bahahaha.” And then there’s Cary.  She’s the one who knows all your Kevin Bacon connections.  “Hi Matt, I’m Cary.  We’re both friends with Eric. He’s your cousin’s landlord in Boston.” Then there’s Devin. He’s the guy who always manages to know when you just jump on Facebook, because he starts nailing you on a chat. “Hey Matt, it’s Devin. Didn’t expect all this rain today, huh?” “No Devin, I didn’t. I can’t wait to see what other pointless shit we’re gonna talk about for the next 12 minutes. Then there’s Eddie.  Eddie’s all of us.  Eddie’s the guy who gets home and starts creepin’ on ya. Eddie likes to look for the bikini pictures or enjoys seeing how hot your friends are.

Latter:

FACEBOOK: Here’s a typical introduction at a party in Wilmington.  “Hi guys, this is my friend Matt” “Hi Matt. Im Frank” “Nice to meet you Frank.  I think we know each other.” “Yeah, we’re Facebook friends” Facebook me this, Facebook me that! Facebook me when you do end up Facebooking em about this and that! And then there’s Alex.  Alex is the guy who calls you out when you didn’t accept his friendship.  “Well it’s nice to meet you Matt, I’m Alex. You’d probably know me if you would’ve accepted my friendship. Bahahaha.” Well Jesus Christ Alex, how fucking lonely are ya? I hate to see ya when no one likes your status updates about the new green salsas at Taco Bell.” I mean the guy’s like a fucking wallflower at the school dance; watching everyone else enjoy themselves cause you know he never gets invited to shit. And then there’s Cary.  She’s the one who knows all your Kevin Bacon connections.  “Hi Matt, I’m Cary.  We’re both friends with Eric. He’s your cousin’s landlord in Boston.” Oh, that’s about right, cause now it’s like 3 degrees of separation and I gotta start seeing grade school friends and old piano teachers who aren’t really doing much. Then there’s Devin. He’s the guy who always manages to know when you just jump on Facebook, because he starts nailing you on a chat. “Hey Matt, it’s Devin. Didn’t expect all this rain today, huh?” “No Devin, I didn’t. I can’t wait to see what other pointless shit we’re gonna talk about for the next 12 minutes. Finally, we got Eddie.  Eddie’s all of us.  Eddie’s the man! Eddie’s the guy who gets home and starts creepin’ on ya. Eddie likes to look for the bikini pictures or enjoys seeing how hot your friends are.

Episode 5 of “Tales from the John”

DAY 21: Find a serious article and write a funny version of it.

I saw an article explaining that teachers are making more money these days if they choose the public sector and that this causes the elite to choose public education over private systems.  Being that one my best friends is a public school teacher and has been on a salary freeze for the past 3 years, I strongly disagree with the article. I decided to spoof the article by almost agreeing with it.  I took the route that demonstrates the need for better teachers who can juggle more in his or her own career.  My actual feelings are that teachers need to make more and should not be stuck on a salary that’s slightly above the poverty line.  However, in my spoof article, let’s take a stab at the real reason why public educational institutions are hiring better teachers: they can speak more languages.

And in honor of my buddy the teacher, who has dyslexia, I chose to share with you my spoof video that mocks the show To Catch a Predator titled, “To Catch a Dyslexic Predator”.

Original article can be seen here: http://www.myheritage.org/news/better-teachers-its-not-all-about-the-benjamins

Arrogant Teachers are on the Rise - Matt Warzel

CLEVELAND, OH - A new survey in this month’s TIME explained that the new breed of teacher is non-existent to that of a 1950’s educator. The ability to translate such languages as Ebonics, Jive, and Spanish (pending location) has been the main catalyst in this change.

In the past, typically teachers would only be required to understand one principal language: English. Now, professors are compelled to learn a supplementary language amid the above-mentioned; i.e., Portuguese.

That makes a total of two required languages and at least one territorial language needed for the educationalist to be qualified to educate. A written proficiency test has been implemented and is required by state to be undertaken should a post-graduate aspire entering into the educational field. This test comprises trivia pertaining to the multicultural languages as well as French Canadian history.

It has been said that the test though is racially unbiased towards the African-American community and protestors have been marching outside of the senate offices since yesterday’s A.M. With the declining popularity of education, officials have been circling in debates to seek out logical ways to keep teachers’ expectations to a minimum and the enrollment of students to teeming.

When asked about results, representative from the Board of Education Anita Hoare answered, “Nothing yet.”

The increase in arrogant teachers is at an all-time peak and speculation is claiming it’s due to the recent initiation of the bi-lingual demand.

“Most of the cool teachers really don’t know other languages, and therefore we are left to choose a candidate that is smarter, but snootier,” explains superintendent Rick Cuttingedge from the Cleveland district. “These teachers are also becoming court room reporters or entrepreneurs in the craft industry,” harks Phillip Herbox, a social studies teacher at Harlem’s prestigious Harlem High School. She continued with, “it’s not fair to be able to have two jobs when the old teachers don’t even have one. I think it’s because of whitey.”

DAY 18: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

The word I am choosing is anomalous. It means weird or deviating from the usual and normal. Here’s my bit about something that is anomalous:

AWKWARD COUPLE: You ever see that couple that just doesn’t make sense? She’s too old, he’s too young; she’s a cougar, he looks like a werewolf; she’s rich, he looks like he’s been occupying all day. It confuses me.  I wonder why she’s dating this guy?  Maybe she’s been there, done that with the older, distinguished gentlemen.  Right, like maybe she’s made her own way and can now play around a bit and doesn’t necessarily need someone with stability and money.  As if she digs running around with the bartender who only works weekends.  Maybe she’s doing it for kicks…you know to “try” out the guy who lives below the poverty line.  You think in bed she’s moaning and saying shit like “yeah, yeah, tell me about your checking’s account balance!” and he’s like “uh, 6 bucks” and she’s like “yeah, yeah!” “Do you go to Harris Teeter to shop?” “Uh, no Food Lion” “Yeah, Yeah, more!” “Tell me about occupying Front street.  You occupy right, cause your so poor?” “Yeah” “Oh yeah!” “You getting all dirty from being on the ground?” “Yeah” “Oh yeah, you scrubbing yourself afterwards cause your dirty?” “No.”  “Oh yeah!” “What kinda car you drive?” “Uh a Malibu” “No you don’t. Say Civic, say Civic!”

In honor of today’s word challenge, I am embedding the short film “Arguing Couples” I created back in Los Angeles. It is an example of a socially awkward scenario…and it has the most hits on my YouTube channel with 14,150 views.

DAY 16: Write about yourself without being self-deprecating.

Well the first thing that came to mind about doing a piece about myself is that I failed big time this weekend.  I had a chance to land the “first big client” and it fell through.  My day job is running an outplacement business. We help people who get laid off.  It’s similar to what Clooney did in Up in the Air, but we don’t actually break the news to people…we just assist with resumes, interviewing, self-marketing, etc. once they do find out that they are being laid off.  It’s extremely humbling and very rewarding with satisfaction when people you help land new jobs.  In any case, I wanted to rant about that yesterday when I found out a company in Texas would not be choosing our services because they wanted to go local.  I was ready to ship out to Fort Worth for 3 months had we landed this contract.  The HR rep did say we were in the final 2, so I guess that makes me feel a little better.  Yeah right, fuck that…fuck man.

Anyway, so I decided to write about myself and how I react to certain things in life.  I get pissed easily.  I have no patience for:

1. shitty acting

2. bad driving

3. dumb decisions by strangers in public that directly impact me

4. people who say “I don’t know what you’re talking about” when you’re clearly making sense

5. whimsical girls who float around instead of walk

6. Flo the Progressive girl and the T-Mobile lanky broad

7. hipsters

8. artsy fartsy

9. confident nerds

10. Domino’s pizza and their attempt to become un-shitty after all these years of shit

11. thinning hair on my head

12. better poker chip sets

13. people like Gary Heidnik

14. under 50 and above 80 weather

15. George Bush

16. foreign countries that fuck up my stock…I’m calling your ass out Greece and Egypt!

17. The Steelers, Ravens, Cowboys and Broncos in that order

18. The Red Sox, Yankees, Rangers and White Sox in that order

19. Lebron

20. those fake pastor types on TV

21. Taco Bells that don’t keep the sauce out and you’re forced to ask for more sauce

22. auditions

23. foreigners

24. the local Kia and Toyota of Wilmington commercials

25. Sportscenter

26. losing golf balls

27. posting to YouTube

28. dieting

29. playing from the tips

30. heartburn

31. shitty sauces

32. shitty ranch

33. running

34. reading

35. arrogant people

36. mean people

37. uncourteous people

38. truck repairs

39. Copper Penny beer deals

40. anxiety

Apparently I couldn’t even really write about myself without getting fired up. However, I feel that by expressing my points of view about what bothers me is a direct reflection into my psyche and feelings as a person. So by understanding my aggravations, you will understand me. How about that psycho-babble? And I’m hungover to boot!

Above is a video of me ranting about morons and bad driving in Los Angeles. Enjoy.

DAY 14: Pick a bit that’s short and expand it by finding other points of view to write from.

Alright another standup comedy task.  This works perfect because since January 1st, I have been doing a method used by Jerry Seinfeld to ensure I work on my standup comedy and screenwriting DAILY.  It’s the “Don’t Break the Chain” method where you cross off each day with an “X” after you complete a writing session.  So I have been making sure I am doing 3 types of writing each day, including this blog, the Dale Archdale feature film script and my standup routine.  I decided not to do standup last night only because I needed to flesh out one more joke so I can go up there with 3 bits next week.  Below is the joke I’m choosing to flesh out.  It’s a familiar one to you all because I used it earlier this week, but now comes the time where I will attempt to extend it a few more lines.

Former Version:

CAPITAL OF MONTANA: Can anyone actually name a city in Montana?  Exactly!  That’s why I think they should change the name of the capital to Joe.  Right?  Then everyone would know it for sure…I mean c’moooon…who wouldn’t remember a capital with the name taken from a 3 time MVP, 4-time Super Bowl winner with a guest spot on Saturday Night Live and over 40,000 passing yards?  I mean wouldn’t it be great to see Jeopardy and say “Uh…WHAT is Joe, Montana.”

Latter Version:

CAPITAL OF MONTANA: Can anyone actually name a city in Montana?  Exactly!  That’s why I think they should change the name of the capital to Joe.  Right?  Then everyone would know it for sure…I mean c’moooon…who wouldn’t remember a capital with the name taken from a 3 time MVP, 4-time Super Bowl winner with a guest spot on Saturday Night Live and over 40,000 passing yards?  I mean wouldn’t it be great to see Jeopardy and say “Uh…WHAT is Joe, Montana.” People in Montana are probably begging for a chance to be in a conversation, any conversation. People in Montana must get excited over the same shit that old people get excited about: The mail.  “Oooh nice! The mailman is a few minutes early today; crap I’m not even ready.” The news. “Holy shit, they said that the Miss Rodeo pageant is getting moved to the Comfort Inn. Did someone say vacation?” The weather. “Hey, we might make it to 15 degrees this weekend.  We should probably do something adventurous, like go outside.” These poor people probably never even made it out to anywhere fun in their lives, you know like Kansas.

Note that the picture above is of the single greatest football game to grace us on the gaming system that was…the Sega Genesis. I mean, it was a close one, possibly even a tie, to Jerry Glanville’s Pigskin Footbrawl and Mutant League Football. But the picture is of the game Joe Montana II Sportstalk Football. And what better way to celebrate the game than with a sweet field goal! Get it! Geeeeeet it!

DAY 12: Try rewriting a comedy idea you wrote for one genre into another genre.

Today’s task is a doozy (I love saying that term…it’s like saying “he’s such a ham”).  Anyway,  the genre I initially created this bit for was standup comedy.  However, I think I will attempt to make this a 30 second radio voiceover trailer.  The bit mocks “Prison Break” coming to DVD.  For those who don’t know, Prison Break is a shitstorm of a show that I never got into.  Here is the bit below.  If you listen to the audio that’s attached to this posting, you will hear my attempt to make it a funny commercial ad spoof.

PRISON BREAK: So this Christmas, my sister-in-law wanted the Prison Break DVD.  You guys remember Prison Break, right?  I mean it was a show…….about BREAKING…. outta prison.  Shouldn’t this be over by now?  Doesn’t a prison break only take a day.  What, so I’m supposed to see everything leadin up to the “big night”. Who gives a shit about what some asshole criminal did to break outta jail.  I’m sure its not much different from the usual ‘mixed-up cops’ and a SHANKING.  How much can they actually show?  (TRAILER GUY’S VOICE) “1st, they found something to dig with…then they dug…then, they, dug even more.  Now, stay tuned for the season finale where they…catch a cab.” And the fact it took ya a whole season must’ve meant it wasn’t a very good plan.  I mean let’s do a show where at least I’m breaking outta something more interesting like my Columbia Record House contract.