DAY 327: Write a funny letter to a friend.

This past weekend I performed in my first reenactment. It was not the kind where we hoist muskets and charge at each other, but none the less, I was a Revolutionary War solder. I had lines to memorize and a whole outfit. How this worked was a friend of mine, who had to do this act of community service to aid with his DUI community service hours, and I would sit there for 15 minutes until a group of 30 people came over to our spot to hear us speak in English dialect about some of the history behind the park we were at. Then they would move onto the next station and we would sit there for another 15 minutes. I cannot tell you how hard I laughed all weekend. Shit was fun. However, we got into the characters so much (and my DUI friend is not an actor), that our Park Ranger friend, who signed us up to begin with, mentioned that his boss and co-workers LOVED us! They said we got so many compliments and shit. We knew we were dominating the reenactment peak, but we didn’t know we would be in such high demand. So here’s my letter to my Park Ranger friend, Jon:

Dear Jon,

No pun intended, as I am not attracted to you.

Anyway, the reenactment was a success. It would not have been had Dave and I not been there. We killed it. Now we have a list of demands that should be included in our contracts next year. Yes, we want contracts. Should you not meet these demands, we will not be back to charge up the crowds next year with some battle cry spirit.

1. Trailer that allows us to park our car in it so we remain discrete, 2 air purifiers, and is furnished with helium-filled red balloons

2. Guitar case for collections

3. 5-piece background band so we can sing drinking songs while we wait

4. Slice of Life pizza

5. Authentic 18th century beer mugs with Moore’s Creek Battlefield coozies

6. Williamsburg acting and dialect coach for tech rehearsals

7. 4th of July swag

8. Cornhole set

9. M&Ms with only the red, white and blue included

10. A bunch of free PBRs and 5 Hour Energies

11. 100 figs and prunes in some aluminum foil

12. Framed photo of Benedict Arnold

13. 25 cases of Kabbalah Water

14. 7 dwarves dressed up as those dwarves out of that film about the dwarves

15. Peach colored toilet tissue to match our complexion

16. Dave wants a life sized cut-out of himself

17. No less than 19 6-foot tall leafy green plants and 4 6-foot tall plants should adorn our dressing room in the trailer

18. And the dressing room must be draped with Moroccan drapes

19. A fresh scrubbed and disinfected backstage toilet at temperatures of exactly 78 degrees

20. Coffee that must be stirred counter clockwise

21. A physician back stage to administer B-12 shot

DAY 256: Write a bit about pets.

THIS JUST IN! It was whale versus boat, and the whale won. Jerry Gormley says he and some friends were watching the sunset off the Santa Barbara, California, coast in his 27-foot Bayliner cabin cruiser when a whale joined the party. He says the whale belly-flopped onto the boat, causing considerable damage. Gormley says the whale made a second run at them, knocking over a passenger who cracked a rib. Gormley figures the whale was bigger than his boat, about 30 feet long. Whale expert Wayne Perryman says it was likely a gray whale. He says the whales are rarely aggressive and sometimes just get curious about boats.

Whales rule.

DAY 248: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

Today’s word is dilatory. It means behind schedule. I’ve been on vacation for a week and half and feel like it’s been a month. My diet’s shot. My work is piled up. And I still got Spookytown to put up! Man, I thought the summer was busy, but it looks like fall is gonna be a mess also. The worst is that I gotta make sure I get everything caught up in time for Sunday. It’s week 1; time to go to work.

DAY 246: Write a bit about exotic animals.

I wanna own an exotic animal. Something crazy. Like a skunk. Then I could just have him spray my asshole neighbors or my friends who piss me off when they beat me at Madden. It’d be so funny to see him move around the apartment. I’d be like, “hey, look at how my skunk is indoors and moving around the apartment.” I guess I’d need to figure out how to not smell it, because I doubt I’d get used to it. I’ll mark it on my long term list of goals.

DAY 234: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

Today’s word is fortuitous. It means “chance” or “lucky”. I am a firm believer that luck does come and help out a lot. Especially when you’re relying on others sometimes to get ahead. But these people that take Extra work so serious drive me nuts. They rely on luck. They don’t spend thousands of dollars on classes, headshots and marketing collateral to advance their careers. They rely on some Director to say “get that bald guy in this scene and have him say ‘He went that way!’”. Fuck off! I’ve spent the money, I’ve taken the time to learn the craft. Drives me nuts. But, I never rely on luck and never get excited about possible opportunities or connections. I just keep pluggin along doing my thing and hope one day it pays off. Fuck luck. It’s only good as a skill factor in Tiger Woods 2007.

DAY 230: Write 3 jokes about people in the news.

1. I saw that Katy Perry’s been banging John Mayer. Yeah, she wanted to date someone who’s on an equal plane as her, talent-wise.

2. Russian punk rockers on trial: Members of a Russian feminist punk rock band are found guilty of hooliganism for holding a protest against Vladimir Putin inside a cathedral. In other news, Russia is still crazy, but we still don’t need to worry because they’re still Russia.

3. Facebook shares sank as much 4.3% on Friday to set a new low, a day after early investors got the green light to sell for the first time. An early report confirms that teenage investors got bored and thought stock trading would be more fun. An even earlier report from an 8th grader confirmed that “stock trading was so mid-summer 2012.”

DAY 226: Write a very funny letter to the editor.

Dear ESPN the Magazine - This has nothing to do with you, but I don’t know how to get in touch with your TV station programmer, but wanted to take out my frustrations on you. Regarding your flagship show, SportsCenter, I wish to express the following concerns:

1. There are more NFL teams besides the Broncos and Jets.

2. There are more NFL players besides Tim Tebow, Mark Sanchez, Peyton Manning and Drew Brees.

3. No one cares about NBA shit, especially during the summer. Trades and shit? Yeah, no one cares. We would rather have live look-ins of training camps (again. besides the Jets and Broncos) and more Olympic coverage, but you screwed the pooch on that one. Oh, Dwight Howard might go here. Lebron James was spotted here. Nash this, Joe Johnson that. Care a lot, ESPN, a lot.

4. If you want to provide us with top quality sporting news, please have your anchors not be annoying. A list of the worst in order: John Buccigross, Sage Steel, Chris McKendry, *Chris Berman, Linda Cohn, **Trey Wingo.

*was cool when I was 12 (since has lost all cool)

**never was cool

5. Get rid of Erin Andrews. Her voice sounds like bad cartoon. Does she play the teacher in Charlie Brown?

6. Please put efforts into not repeating shit all day long. C’mon man!

7. Please lock the gates on Herm Edwards (the comedian) and Merril Hoge (the most unbiased, not in your face, non-Steelers fan).

8. Do more ESPN commercials.

9. Please have a VO actor dub all of Tim Kirchen’s dialogue.

10. Deliver more news about Cleveland (OK, now I sound like Hoge too).

That is probably only half the shit, but I gotta go watch SportsCenter.

DAY 219: Research and make contact with four new markets for your work.

1. Matt Schweppe Contact - One of my production company partners met someone who can assist us with generating more commercial business.

2. Shane Thompson - Assisting me with the Dale Archdale feature script.

3. Resume Company - Company that hired me to work on resumes for them. Nice consistent income.

4. John Slade - New production partner looking to work on a southern comedy script together.

DAY 218:  Write a bit about technology.

Technology. Where would we be without it? Stuck in the Pioneer days? Well then that would be fuckin sweet. I hate people who bitch about dumb shit like “oh, this fork looks a little dirty” or “we can’t shower in the lake, it’s full of fishies.” Go fuck yourself ya dipshit! Pioneers did whatever the fuck they wanted and they were cool about it. Now we got technology. And when technology came, so did laws. And now we’re a bunch of pussies. “Oh, you can’t let your 13 year old drive the car” or “you shouldn’t let him eat that cereal, there’s too much sugar in it.” Go stab yourself, lady. You’re making your kid a pussy.  Then that same mom will let the kid play on his iPad during church and post to Facebook during his grandpa’s funeral. It’s like, da fuck? Technology is cool, don’t get me wrong. But when I grew up, the age of Oregon Trail and Apple IIe’s, the Internet was just another cool band name. Now, it’s taken over the lives of kids and these kids aren’t gonna know how to play war in the woods with their buddies unless they Google it first. Drives me crazy. Now get off the computer and go outside ya dink. As for me, I gotta go watch a movie I downloaded off my computer, on my computer, while I monitor my eBay bids, after checking my ESPN alerts on my iPhone.

DAY 217: Rework an old bit you want to work better.

BASEBALL CARDS: Yeah I collect the card: baseball cards. Hopefully still worth shit someday. I still buy cards too, fuck it. Rookies of real good guys and I like to get those jersey cards where they have a piece of clothing in the card. It’s like I get 2 things outta it, not just the card, but also the jersey. Also I love how us sports assholes collect autographs, but never know what autograph it is. I look at the back of the fucking DC metro card and can’t tell who the fuck it was that signed it when I was getting off at Dupont Circle. Once I got a declined credit card slip signed by the owner of the bounced credit card, Joe Jurevicius AND Ricky Davis.

DAY 216: Write something that uses the full level of your intelligence.

The vortex of the hypothesis of the quadrant reactor, juxtaposes itself from the variance, until the ratio formulaic obtuse physics repositions across the ROYGBIV. Cradle to grave. At the end of the day, we’re looking to increase the decrease of reduction additional resources from the research and development subject matter experts. Win-win. Absorbed costing can hang the bell on the cat anytime the cow jumps over the moon. You can stick your head up the butcher’s ass to get a good look…wait a minute, it’s gotta be your bull. Working lunch is what I’m about to do. 

I wrote plenty of papers in college using my full level of intelligence. It was all downhill from there. I mean, what the hell kinda task is this anyways, stupid ass author?

DAY 165: The Fourth of July is three weeks away! Write jokes about it today.

JULY 4TH - God I love America.  Let’s give it up for AMERICA! Yeah! I love celebrating our birthday. Aren’t we the rich obnoxious kid to the world? Right, like when we go to one of our neighbor’s kid’s birthdays and the kids an asshole.  That’s US! We’re the asshole kid to the world.  The kid’s sitting there at the table whining for more cake, as he smears his ice cream all over the Asian kid. Next thing you know, he’s taking his squirt gun and shooting all the old people with it, while he steals shit out of their purse.  Just an asshole.  But don’t try to reprimand him or else his parent’s will snap.  Now you’re in trouble with The Man. Suggest that the kid tries to eat healthier or not waste food? Yeah right, you’ll get a slingshot to the nads. Maybe tell the parents that the kid shouldn’t hit the other kids? Yeah OK.  Don’t try to borrow anything from them ever again. And you might just have to return the leaf blower now too.  Maybe tell them that they should put the kid in some classes or give him some meds so he won’t act like such a fucking idiot around the other kids and thus won’t cause the other kids to act like fucking idiots too?  Oh hell no he didn’t.  Now it’s on.  A full blown war of the neighbors.  Now it’s all awkward when we’re forced to hang out at the roundtable during the block party.  Now it’s all awkward when we wanna have them water our plants when we go out of town.  Now it’s all awkward when we use their slip-n-slide.  Shit, where was I going? Are we still talking about America? Somewhere in there, I guess.

DAY 163: Expand your vocabulary: Find a word you don’t know and write a bit about it.

I am choosing the word geriatric today.  This is because at this very moment, I am watching my nephew GRADUATE COLLEGE!  Both of them!  Holy shit am I old?  Bare in mind, I was an uncle in 3rd grade, but this is nuts! I’m gonna be 32 this year and already saw one of my buddy’s Facebook BDay reminders stating “32” and I was like “ohhhh, shit…so that’s how that looks.” Now you 40 year olds might be like “quit for bitching!” and you’re right.  So cheers to my nephews for making me feel like I truly was born in 1980, and cheers to all you older farts for making me feel young still.

DAY 153: Come up with 5 new ideas to work on.

1. Wifey material and about how you know you’re bad when you rush into the bathroom and ask your wife to make some food for you while she’s cleaning the toilet. “Oh I see you’re busy…well can you make it after you get done scrubbing my piss off the seat?”

2. I feel like the deformed Fratelli brother in Goonies whenever I drop an ice cube out of the freezer and it cracks in half! I’m like “GRRRRRRR!”

3. Imitate a 1940’s standup comedian talking about “So I heard prohibition over.  I think all women belong behind a Singer. Sew, bitch, sew!”

4. Don’t you hate going to your wife’s friend’s cocktail party and you decide to dump during the party and you leave a shit stain? That’s funny!

5. Do you think people are still inventing cities?

DAY 129: Rework an old bit you want to work better.

Former:

BOTTLING STUFF - What’s the concept behind this? in the 80s someone comes up to you and says “I got an idea…bottled water”

Latter:

BOTTLING STUFF - What’s the concept behind this? In the 80’s someone comes up to you and says “I got an idea…bottled water.” Now I don’t wanna get too hack because I’m sure this joke’s been done over and over by Carlos Mencia, but can you imagine the guy that loved this initial notion? He’s the same guy that says “in the future”…they’ll be bottling all sorts of shit, “in the future”.  He’s in his basement right now tryin out all sorts of bottling methods.  They’ll be bottling hipster.  “Oh man, I’m heading to a Rusted Root concert, I better inhale some bottled hipster, so I don’t come off too trendy and mainstream tonight.” I’ve heard of canned woop-ass before, but ya think he’s tryin to bottle woooooooppppiieee PIE! You think Republicans are bottling hatred.  If I were gonna bottle something, I’d wanna bottle swagger. Cause don’t we all just wanna have some style during those awkward moments when you’re meeting someone for the first time or when you’re drunk and trying to hang with people you wanna make a good impression on? I don’t know how many times I’m sitting there watching a Dr. Dre documentary and I’m like “I wish I was black. Look at all that swagger!” But no.  Being white, we have to just understand that when we dance, pointer fingers will go up in the air.  When we try to “bump” rap, we will turn it down when we get to the intersection. When we hang with our black friends, we will attempt to ghetto our dialect a little. Bottling swagger.  I could sell it right next to the FUBU shit at Walmart.